By the Way
by circuswheel
Summary: 'And anyway, diary, you're a diary, so you know me, and you don't need me to be exposition-ing why I am writing in you.' Another cliched Beck-keeps-a-journal-for-class fic, centered around the gang's senior year at Hollywood Arts. Hopefully sort of funny and a bit poignant.
1. Chapter 1

**By the Way**

Hey guys! This is part of my 'give Beck a personality' personal agenda! Sort of a _Bildungsroman_, Victorious style. I do actually have a bit of a story arc for this one, so don't worry ... it will be going somewhere. But yeah, bit of light writing because sometimes Teen Spirit is too heavy for me and I really need to write more characters, right? Maybe one day I'll even venture out of the Victorious fandom!

Post 'Tori Fixes Beck and Jade,' so we got some Bade, though I'm not sure how that'll play out. I've got a few ideas for this so let me know what you think! Also, the title is probably going to change when I think up a better one.

**August 29**

Sorry for the scribbles atop the page, Andre was trying to get his pen to work and he's very rude and childlike and GRABS OTHER PEOPLE'S THINGS WITHOUT WARNING. I told him not to dare write in my diary, which he thought was really funny, and luckily there wasn't anything in it yet, as I just got this assignment. Anyway, I'm now going to write loads of mean things in here about ANDRE HARRIS. Not that he will ever read them, for this diary is bound to be private and confidential.

Private and confidential, Andre Harris. Also, private and confidential, ROBBIE SHAPIRO, who is very nosy and not suave and no I will not write anything else mean in here about you, Mr Nosy Not Suave, so get out of my stuff if you're in my stuff. And as well, private and confidential to Cat, Tori, and especially Jade, who are girls, who cares about girls, I will not be writing anything in here about girls at all so stop looking.

So anyway, for this first semester I'm taking this class – Writing and Inflection in Modern Society. It's pretty new and our teacher is young and cute. Jade and I were going to take it together but at the last minute she switched out to take Film Production last period, which is weird. Anyway, apparently we'll be reading letters and journals that old dead guys have written – hey, I thought this was Modern Society? – but all the class has done so far is get side-tracked and we ended up talking about last year's Academy Awards and things yesterday.

Also Sinjin was wearing a kimono. I just feel like that should be documented somewhere.

Tomorrow we start reading love letters that Dylan Thomas wrote to various dames. He was sort of a bad-ass, you know? He was Welsh! Jade likes a poem by him but I can't remember anything about it aside from it's not his really famous one.

Anyway, one of the requirements for the class is that we have to keep a journal of our own, whatever we want it to be, and write in it at least twice a week, and Pretty Teacher's gonna collect them at the end of semester, just to make sure we did them. Also, whoops, I should probably not refer to her as that if she's going to be reading this, even if it's just skimming, and anyway, diary, you're a diary, so you know me, and you don't need me to be exposition-ing why I am writing in you.

I was going to start a dream journal, which sounds really cool, and my aunt bought me a dream-interpretation dictionary last Christmas, but here's the thing: I sleep a lot, and my dreams are weird. Sometimes about hippos on the street blocking traffic, or Robbie eating a bad egg salad sandwich and then I have to commandeer a space ship to Jupiter for some reason (I think I fell asleep watching Futurama that night), and that's bound to be sort of exhausting to document every morning / fourth period / afternoon / mid-evening, so I've just decided on a regular journal.

My hand is tired already! Cat gave me a nice new pen yesterday when I showed her this, and I don't have to press very hard, but I guess I'm not used to actually physically writing very much at all.

Technology is a bad, mean thing. I've gotten lazy.

I'm writing this in the kitchen right now. Usually I stay in my RV pretty much all the time, but Dad's going away on business this weekend so we try and spend time together when he does that. We just ate BF Wang's four-person platter. Now he's putting away dishes and talking at me while I'm scribbling in here.

I guess that me and my dad aren't very close. It doesn't usually bother me, though. People say that I'm a lot like him, but I don't really think so. Sometimes he tries too hard. He cares a lot about what people think about him, so you'd think he'd be … I dunno, a lot better about some things. Anyway, mostly he's cool, and I do my thing, and he does his, and sometimes we eat dinner together.

Hockey's on! Later, diary / journal / not sure what to call you yet.

**August 30**

Since I'm going to be writing in you so much, dear journal / diary / part time Medieval History notebook, I feel like I should give you a name. If I personify you and pretend I'm writing to an actual person I think I'll be more apt to write in you. (By the way, 'apt' is a word that Jade taught me. See, I do remember some things!)

Robbie told me not to eat near you because you cost him fifteen dollars at the bookstore which is expensive for a notebook, meaning you are very high-class. A classy lady, and I shall treat you well, as that is how I treat classy ladies!

What's a foxy name for a classy lady? Elizabeth? Emma? Emily? I guess I like 'E' names a lot. To me they all sound like fancy Victorian lady names, you know? Hmm. I'll have to think on this some more.

**Sept 3**

Today was Labor Day so we didn't have school and my friend Robbie came over and we hung out in my RV for a long time. I didn't get to see him much this summer because of my acting course and Jade and I went and stayed at her aunt's lake house in Washington for a month.

It was cool to see him. We played NHL on my xBox and talked about a lot of things (he also agrees with me that it's weird that Jade is in Film Production with him). Robbie's my oldest friend that I still talk to. I've known him since we were ten and had to do a report on Martin Luther King together, but we ended up building a fort in his room and just watching Jurassic Park twice while our mothers had coffee in the kitchen.

I'll never tell him, but sometimes I really wish he'd get rid of his stupid ventriloquist dummy. I mean, it's not like he gets beat up over it or anything, but it's definitely not ... lending him any favors in the social department. I mean, I think it's really cool how he can throw his voice and sometimes he can be really witty but there must be some other way to use that talent, right? He's also gotten really attached to the thing, Rex, and sometimes it makes me feel weird when he talks to it so much like it's a real person.

Jade says at least I can know that when I go anywhere with Robbie, I'm automatically the cooler one by default, but I don't care about being cool or looking better. I just want people to quit teasing him and I want people to look at Rob and see the cool and funny friend I know. He's a pretty cool guy and I want there to be other people – girls, even! – who want to hug him that aren't Sinjin.

But of course I can't find a tactful way to tell him this without being really mean. Hey dude, drop the one thing you're really passionate about, I think you'll be better for it.

Oh well. We'll see what happens this year.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sept 6**

Wow, pretty bad day today. Not for me, really, but bad anyway – made me feel bad.

So school started almost two weeks ago, the last week of August. My friend Tori was there for the first few days, but she's been absent all this week, and me and the guys and Cat (but not Jade, of course) were getting pretty worried about her.

Anyway, she came back today, Friday. Apparently her parents are getting divorced and she's really upset about it.

Feel so bad for Tori. It's not like divorce is uncommon, but obviously her parents have been together a long time, so it's probably a big shock for her. Cat told me and Andre and Robbie that Tori's mom was having an affair! (I don't think Cat was supposed to tell us this. I need to make sure she doesn't slip up again and blab to Jade.) I wonder who the guy is. I wonder if her dad knows him.

Anyway, then it got me thinking … I know, shocking, right?

Tori's a lot closer to her parents than I am, I think, so she probably feels really bad and sort of betrayed. She told me she hasn't really talked to her mom. She didn't tell me about the affair part and I pretended not to know.

I realized that most of my friends have divorced parents or some other weird family situation. Robbie's parents got divorced when he was little - so did Jade's. Jade stays at her dad's house half the time, but Robbie never sees or talks to his dad and sometimes he's real mopey about it. Cat's parents are still together but they sleep in different bedrooms. Apparently they still love each other, but sometimes they fight a lot and Cat says her dad gets really worked up and then goes and builds model ships in the basement. Maybe that's where Cat gets her personality, from her dad. Andre lives with his grandmother and actually I don't know where his parents are at all, does that make me a bad friend, diary?

Maybe I should ask him.

Anyway … don't really want to write in here anymore today. Jade's texting me so maybe I'll see if she wants to hang out. Later, ElizabethEmmaEmily.

**Sept 7**

Tonight I went to see that Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake with my girlfriend. I'm not really into all that hokey horror stuff, but she is, and last week she watched four episodes of Criminal Minds with me, so I owe her.

Do you know my girlfriend, diary? Don't be too jealous, but she's pretty amazing. Usually. I think so, at least. We broke up for a long time but got back together a few months ago, right before summer. I really missed her (she was pretty much impartial, however, but I'll take it).

Jade can be sort of crazy and she likes to push people's buttons and on a good day she'll give you a wedgie but that's part of why I love her so much. Sometimes she goes overboard with it, but it's always been really cool to me that she doesn't try and fit herself into a certain mold or act the way people want her to just because she wants to be an actress.

Oh, by the way, Jade is my girlfriend. It's not like I just mentioned a movie with my girlfriend and then started ranting about some other girl. It's Jade, so you know.

Jade's always been really smart, and I – well. I mean, I'm not some dumb jock, but she's _really smart_, and – have you met Jade? No, because you're a book, so I'll explain: she's sort of a creep – again,_ love her,_ but yeah. The girl likes to pretend she's being sacrificed in witches' soup when she's in a hot tub, you know. That's pretty … creep. If she got into a mood, she'd stay in it, and she hasn't changed that much – she still has very little regard for people she doesn't like, or even people she does like, when she's in that sullen-Jade-mood of hers.

I could make her happy, sometimes, and I could understand her, sometimes. Sometimes I couldn't do either of those things at all, like _at all_, try as I might.

When we broke up, at the beginning of junior year – had it been junior year already, or still just the summer before? No, school had definitely started, because immediately after it just felt like all the energy left my body and I do remember thanking the Lord himself that it was a Friday and I wouldn't have to go to school the next day and see her face, those hurt eyes. Anyway, when we broke up, she was snarling and stomping, livid and really pretty even though she was making me so mad, telling me to follow her, telling me to get her food, do this, do that, and maybe, _maybe _by the end of the night she'd stop bristling at me. I was getting up to go after her, follow her as usual, and suddenly I – well, I didn't. Didn't want to.

Well, I did want to, part of me did, but more than that, I didn't.

Now I do again, though. I mean, I never really stopped. Sometimes it's just hard to be around someone who just pushes you and all your friends away all the time.

But she's getting a little better, this time around. Like I said, four episodes of Criminal Minds, even though all she did was talk over it the whole time about how Reid is sort of cute (my hair is way better anyway so whatever). Maybe she's getting sort of into it. That would be cool, as we don't really like many of the same things.

Well, Robbie just called me, screamed intelligibly, and hung up. I'm thinking he either sold his dummy again (they're really attached) or he might be having a reaction to his new allergy medication. I hope he didn't eat any soap chips again. Anyway, gonna call him back because if he dies and his last words to me were "ASKGHAJK!" I'll feel really bad.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sept 12**

Wow, I've been meaning to write more in you, diary, but I've been really busy. Sikowitz, our acting teacher, is already casting for his new play and I've had a lot of homework already and this year I've decided to actually buckle down and do most of it. Tomorrow's Thursday and I have a math test and a science lab which Robbie says he's going to help me with, luckily.

Maybe I'll try and write shorter entries in here instead of detailing every single feeling I have about everything, but probably not.

It's sort of nice to write how I feel about Jade and Robbie and Andre Pen Thief with no agenda to come with it. What's that word Jade would use? Cathartic. Yeah. She said it was 'cathartic' when she cut all of Tori's pictures out of her yearbook.

Tori's yearbook, that is, not Jade's.

Anyway, gotta go and cry over these Trig equations. And I'm hungry again! Life is so hard, Emma Elizabeth Eunice. I should probably call Tori, too.

**Sept 13**

Today Jade saw me carrying you, diary, around today and she laughed a lot even though I repeatedly told her you are for class (I did not refer to you as 'Elizabeth' or 'Emma' or 'Emily' because I know I'm pretty weird) and she kept calling me Charlie which I don't understand at all. Robbie told me she is either referencing 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' or 'Flowers For Algernon' and I said 'Great, so they're both about flowers.'

Robbie just looked at me for a few moments and then started loudly talking about how he really needs to re-wax Rex this weekend (yeah, I dunno, either). That probably means I'm really dumb and he doesn't want to tell me how dumb I am. I guess I have to go find and read both those books now so I can figure out who the Charlies are and which one I am.

**Sept 16**

Got a B - on my Trig test, pretty proud of myself. Went to Inside Out Burger with Robbie and Jade and Andre to celebrate.

Jade and Robbie have that Film Production class together last period so they were together after school. I figured that just Jade and I would do something together, but she didn't start screaming when I invited Rob along, which is nice, and then Andre popped up too.

Robbie says that Jade took the best photos in the class yesterday and she hasn't been very mean to him at all, which is also nice. Robbie hasn't brought Rex to school in two days so I'm happy!

At Inside Out Burger I ate two number 5s with cheese and Jade wrinkled her nose up and looked cute and told me I am getting fat and then she wouldn't kiss me until later when I brushed my teeth (she doesn't like pickles).

I am not getting fat, diary! Last year my doctor said I only had 5% body fat, which is low for someone of my height. If I tell Jade that, though, I think she'll just start screaming about how I must think she has more body fat than that.

Robbie ate all of Andre's french fries and manically talked about how he's going to try and get Cat to do his photo project with him – I guess they have to pick a subject to shoot for the semester. Jade hasn't mentioned it, though – does she not want to use me? Hm. Anyway, Robbie says that if Cat spends more time with him over the project maybe she'll like him more and then when he asks her again out she won't run away and dance with Sinjin.

Jade was very quiet, nicely, because I'm pretty sure Cat really doesn't want to go out with Robbie. Andre was also very quiet, and I'm not sure why.

He's probably just tired of hearing Robbie talk about Cat. We all are, sort of.

Later, diary. It's 8 o clock now which means it's time for my second dinner.

**Sept 20**

Me and Jade and Cat went to the beach today after school. It was actually really fun. Still pretty warm out, so there was a decent amount of people there (Jade doesn't like people looking at her when she's in a swimsuit) but we parked my car and wandered around for a long time until we found an old pier that was pretty broken down and hung out around there.

Jade also doesn't really like the water that much so she mostly just hung out in the surf making a drip castle and yelling mean things out to me and Cat. I brought my board and attempted to surf again and Cat was running around and almost drowning and picking up shells and turtles. She stepped on a jellyfish and there was a lot of screaming but it was dead anyway so I guess it didn't do anything?

Anyway, aside from the screaming and the really sharp rock I scraped my leg on, it was just … really nice. Jade and Cat have been friends for a long time, probably about like as long and me and Robbie, and she's ... different when it's just Cat around. You coud actually mistake her as someone who's really nice.

The girls laugh a lot when they're together. I like it when Jade laughs (I like it when Cat laughs, too, you know, but that's pretty much always, so it isn't as special).

After that, Jade commandeered us (another word I just learned) to Cat's house and her dad made mac and cheese with bacon in it, which was delicious, and then Jade also commandeered us to watch a Woody Allen movie - I forget what it was called, but that dude from American Pie was in it. I thought I wouldn't like but I didn't say anything about, and it ended up being pretty funny. Jade says over the weekend we can watch Annie Hall. Not sure about that one because it's pretty old, but she wants to watch it and it isn't a horror movie so I'll take it.

Going to go put antiseptic on my leg-wound now - don't want to lose it! Later, Elizabeth Emily Bookington.

**Sept 24**

Why is math so hard? I can't even articulately complain about it because I have no idea what's going on. No clue how I got a B on that last test. We're already onto something new and I'm completely lost! I had to cancel plans with Jade and Andre because I actually have to try to STUDY.

Jade's mad, but what can I do? I should have known better than to sign up for Trig. Senior year's supposed to be fun, isn't it? Instead I'll just be rotting away down at the math lab probably.

Chemistry's another problem. Don't even want to think about Chemistry. Trying to delete the word Chemistry from my vocabulary.

Okay, I just lied on the floor for ten minutes moaning and listening to Live and now I feel okay enough to check out this study guide. I'll write more later if my head doesn't explode.

**Sept 25**

Found that poem by Thomas that Jade likes. Sort of weird. I printed it out and I'll paste it in here:

**'Clown in the Moon'**

My tears are like the quiet drift  
Of petals from some magic rose;  
And all my grief flows from the rift  
Of unremembered skies and snows.

I think, that if I touched the earth,  
It would crumble;  
It is so sad and beautiful,  
So tremulously like a dream.

Thankfully it's short which means I'm able to read it without my eyes glazing over and getting double vision (that's what poetry usually does to me) so I sort of understand it. Makes me feel really small and insignificant in the big big space of the whole wide world.

I love my girlfriend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Oct 1**

Cat's parents are going out of town at the beginning of November and she's already making plans for the big party she's going to throw the weekend they're gone. She's been squeaking about it all morning.

Robbie's next to me looking dreamy and offering to buy soft drinks and glitter and stuff for it (we're at lunch, which explains the ketchup stain – sorry!). I don't think Robbie's ever drank any alcohol. He's so cute, diary.

Well. Getting less and less cute every time he elbows me to lean over and moon at Cat.

Cat's said she'll be the subject of his photo project, though, which is something, right? Jade hasn't said anything to me about it. From the way Robbie describes it, it doesn't really have to be a person, but I'm being sort of pouty about it anyway. Should try to remember to ask Jade about it later. I've been meaning to, but always forget.

I should try harder in the relationship too. I'm trying to remember more things she tells me and to not let my hair be so flippy when there's cute girls around. I've even gote coffee waiting for her for when she sits down. Two sugars which really means four.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Tori. She's still been sort of sad-like, but she's getting better, maybe. Her dad moved out, she told me and Cat yesterday, but just real quick before class. I wonder if she'll want to talk about it?

It's really cool and I'm sort of surprised that Jade hasn't been nastier to me about hanging out with Tori. Of course she probably doesn't know that I've attempted to kiss Tori twice … I mean, when Jade and I were broken up, of course!

Still can't really explain that. Tori's one of my best girl friends, and she's pretty normal, which is a rarity here at Hollywood Arts. She's just easy to be around and, well, you know, she's pretty and I'm a boy. That's all that was, really. I feel seriously bad about it, honestly. She told me she couldn't kiss me because Jade was her friend (sort of, maybe, in some universe) and she couldn't do that to a friend.

Would she want to kiss me otherwise? Hmm, probably best to not think about that.

Jade's probably going to sit down soon and I really don't want to chance her seeing this, so back into my bookbag you go, Emily Elizabeth! Time to con Robbie out of some fruit snacks.

**Oct 3**

My dad is so stupid. He told me that he'd be cooking dinner on Thursday (neither of us ever, ever cook, unless you could Hot Pockets and that tasty mac and cheese you can microwave) so he said to be home early so we could eat together. Cool beans, I said.

I came home today around eight after hanging out with Jade and Robbie and there's Dad sitting at the table surrounded by cold pot roast looking all pissed off.

(Today's Wednesday, by the way. Not Thursday. He definitely said Thursday. He said Thursday because he won't be home Friday or Saturday.)

I stared at Dad and the cold pot roast for a few minutes before he started yelling about how I don't respect him and how he called me twice and what does he pay for that PearPhone for if I don't use it and lots of other stuff that made me feel like a big dumb little kid. He gets me all agitated so of course I start yelling back that he said we'd be eating together on Thursday and I don't know why he bothers because it's not like we even talk about anything when we're together anyway.

Dad threw the pot roast in the sink and stormed off. Now I'm sitting outside by the RV feeling all stupid and angry. I know he said Thursday. I even remember saying 'Cool beans' and the dumb face he made at me! He's the one who never remembers anything.

Sometimes I just get so mad at him for no reason. I know he works a lot. When he … man, do I feel like writing all of this now?

Well, my parents got divorced when I was twelve. It wasn't traumatic or anything – they didn't fight a lot. Dad was just never home, and it's not like my mom didn't work too, but he worked a lot. Dad is a photo journalist and he used to travel a lot, but now mostly he just edits stuff. Anyway, him never being around is why he and Mom split up.

There's this thing we always do, well – see, my birthday is the same day as their wedding anniversary – cute, right? I was born a month early, they didn't plan that. So anyway, it was always, like, double special. When I was little we'd always go be together and we'd go to Disneyland or go skiing up in Washington or something. I just remember when I was ten he wasn't there but that was okay because he'd told us and Robbie's mom brought him over and my mom made a gluten-free cake for us. When I was eleven Dad wasn't there again and we waited for him all day and Mom cried.

I guess I was mad at him too, but I don't really remember because I was twelve. I was sad but Mom let me open my presents without him so I just remember playing my Playstation 2 while Mom was in the kitchen for a long time.

Anyway, Dad said he'd be better but then he wasn't and a couple months later he and Mom decided to separate, and a couple months after that they got divorced. Mom wanted to go back to India for a year to see her parents and I didn't want to move there – it's really dusty – so I stayed with Dad. Now Mom lives in Washington but I'm still with Dad most of the time. She's remarried to an Indian guy (Dad's white – Caucasian? You know, he's Canadian) and it's … it's weird.

I love my mom a lot but her new husband is sort of religious and he's really proper and not like Dad at all and it just makes me feel sort of weird and bad. I don't know a lot about that half of my culture, so it's just kind of strange for me to be around him. I know that Mom really loves him, and I guess … I don't know, I guess that part makes me feel sort of weird and bad too?

I dunno. It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm not saying things good enough but I can't really go back and erase in here.

When Mom was in India I called her a lot and we'd send emails every other day. Mom got a cell phone so she could talk with me and it was her first phone and she was so funny with it, trying to send me stupid pictures and she'd always accidentally put me on speaker phone. So I wasn't mad or anything and I didn't even miss her too much. But now I sort of miss her and it's just like, why'd she need to go to India and find a new husband? Why couldn't she just stay with me?

But everything just happened how it happened and I don't really get depressed about it until I'm out here thinking too much so what's there to say?

Now I feel really tired and sort of bad for yelling at Dad. I guess I haven't written good things about him in here, either, but he's really not so bad. Sometimes he drinks too much and that's find of embarrassing and part of why I have the RV but probably if I was him I'd probably drink too much too.

Sometimes I don't talk that much (are you surprised, diary?) so it's probably hard for him to try and connect with me. I mean, mostly all I wanna do is play video games and kiss Jade. What's to talk about?

I dunno how anyone is close with their parents.

Well, now I'm hungry again. I think I'm going to sneak into the house and see if any of that pot roast is saveable. Not that Dad makes it very good anyhow but I'm not going to ask him for money for a pizza right now.

I actually feel a little bit better having written all this crap even though it isn't important. It feels good to let it out in a way by writing it down. Cathartic. Yeah.

Oh yeah, by the way, saw Tori yesterday and got the scoop on her parents and stuff, but I'll write about that later. Hand's tired. Right now I want my pot roast and I wanna see Jade.


	5. Chapter 5

**Oct 5**

I asked Jade earlier what she was doing for her photo project.

It was after school and she was sitting at my bureau with my director's chair turned backwards. She was looking into my mirror taking off her eyeliner (I guess it's new, and she said it makes her face itchy) and she turned around a little to glare at me. I feel the need to describe that because sometimes I'm, like, struck by how pretty she is. Even with her makeup all smudged and chewing on a Fruit Roll Up.

'Why do you wanna know?' she demands in her usual Jade-like-way. The sulleness chart was at moderate today, spiking up a bit at lunch for some reason. (Not sure why. Tori wasn't even there. It was just me, and Cat and Andre talking about going to Groovy Smoothie later. Maybe because Cat didn't invite her?)

I say something like of course I want to know, your my girlfriend and I wanna know about your life.

Jade sullens at me some more and finishes chewing her fruit roll-up. Finally she decides to respond to me. 'I dunno. I was thinking ink.'

I stare.

Like pen ink, she says, looking at me like I'm slow.

'Oh' I say. 'Like books?'

She says she guesses so. And other stuff, too. She's got this weird camera – a Lobo or something? It looks really old but it's new. She says if you work hard you can make your own filters for it and she thinks she can do something cool. She said Robbie helped her make a cool one yesterday. It's purple and sort of grainy.

I told her that's neat. I also told her I thought it was cool that she was hanging out with Robbie more.

The sullenness meter striked up to an eight!

'I will never hang out with Robbie!' she says severely. 'I didn't know he would be in the stupid class! Sometimes he's sort of not that painful to be around but it is never hanging out, Beckett. No.'

(My name isn't Beckett. It's just Beck. Says so on my birth certificate, but Jade says since it's from Canada it's discredited.)

'Okay' I say, still pretty happy. Sort of not that painful to be around is like the nicest thing she's ever said about Rob! Maybe soon she'll even drop the 'sort of.' And the 'that,' and then it'll be like they're real friends and everything.

(Jade needs more friends, too, not just Robbie. She can pretend she doesn't but we all need friends. She has Cat, I know, but she always says that Cat is basically a pet anyway. Like a dog, but not a cool one like a half-wolf or a German Shepard, like a little yappy one that follows you everywhere, like a Pomeranian. Those are so cute though.)

(I want a dog.)

I brought up Robbie's photo project then and the Cat thing and Jade rolled her eyes all over the place like I knew she would and gave out some smart comments.

'I think it's nice' I say.

Eye roll #42. 'Babe, your vast vocabulary turns me on. Have you been reading your fourth grade workbook?'

What're synonyms for nice? 'Lovely,' I say. 'Pleasant. Neat. Cool. Satisfactory.'

Jade snorts and allows me a smile. 'Dummy.'

'Ventriloquist's?' I ask. 'You've got Rex on the brain. Does it hurt?'

'God you're dumb! Shut up!' She made a mean little scrunched up face at me, which means she's not really mad at all (she's got mean faces that actually mean she's being mean, but the scrunched up one isn't one of them), then turns back to her makeup.

I flop down on my bed. 'Robbie says he's took two good pictures of Cat already. How many do you guys need?'

Jade says like twenty by Christmas. They can organize them however they want. I wondered how she's going to take twenty pictures of ink by then and have them be all different and stuff, but I don't say anything. I don't remember what I said then, something else about Cat and the pictures and Robbie hanging out with her.

Jade tried to roll her eyes but it just looked silly since she was still wiping hard at one with a wet kleenex. 'He needs to stop,' she says. 'Cat's got a crush on someone else now. Robbie waited too long.'

I sit up with interest. Cat likes someone and she hasn't told me? I thought Cat and I were sort of good friends (she's how I met Jade, you know). She went out special just to buy me my pen, you know! She always calls me Aladdin and she's Ariel. And she always gives me her little bags of popcorn at lunch. Isn't that some sort of bond, Disney characters sharing snacks? Well, I guess this is girl stuff and I'm not privy to that information, really. I just hear it at the lunch table when they never stop talking about everything.

Also I don't really know what Jade means by 'waiting too long' because Robbie hasn't really been waiting for Cat. I mean, waiting for her to like him back, I guess, but last year her wrote a song for her and he bought her a cotton candy machine and he also kissed her at the Cow Wow dance (hence the Cat running away and dancing with Sinjin thing, but the dancing might have been prior to) so if anything, Cat's the one who's been waiting. 'Really? Who?' I demand.

Jade turns to look at me again and she makes another little face at me. She doesn't say anything for a couple minutes, which is weird. Finally she just says I dunno, Beck. She said it in a sort of strange voice, and that makes me feel weird, like she's lying or she doesn't want me to know, which doesn't make any sense.

I frowned but I didn't really know how to push it further or ask her again so I just asked about her own project again. Then she gave me a real honest smile and started taking out her camera to show me how it works, which is totally not what I asked about but yeah. Really she should show my dad this stuff because he's the photographer but I'm still sort of mad at him and I haven't been back into the house (aside from to get the pot roast, which was chewy and had too much oregano).

Sorry this entry is really long and I haven't even written about hanging out with Tori yet. But the time I spend with Jade is important to me because I love her so I wanted to write about it before I forget. Also now I guess I have to solve the mystery of Cat's Secret Lover.

Going to Robbie's now so that he can correct my Chemistry (blaaaaaaaah grrrr argh) worksheets. Don't get too scared here in the dark, Emily Elizabeth, I'll be back later tonight!

**Oct 6**

When I was at Tori's the other day, she gave me the book 'Flowers For Algernon.' I've actually been reading it and it's really depressing. It's about this mentally disabled guy (it's from the 1950s so they just say retarded a lot) who gets picked for an experimental brain surgery and right now he's slowly gaining intelligence. Everyone in the whole book is pretty mean / condescending to him but he doesn't realize it because of his disability. Even now that he's getting smart everyone is pretty much a dick aside from this one chick.

Is everyone just so nasty to each other all the time? I'm lucky in that I have a good group of friends so I don't really notice how anyone else acts towards each other. I'll have to start paying attention so I can do something about it.

At Tori's, we hung out in her living room for a bit and ate these weird giant spicy tuna balls that she claims to be her magnum opus, sushi-style. Even I know that makes absolutely no sense, but I'm sure I wrote in here that Tori was just 'pretty' normal and not actually just 'normal' so yeah.

So we ate the sushi concoctions and just talked about school and stuff, the disturbing fact that our Improv teacher Sikowitz is getting pretty buff for some reason, but we kept having to shout because her older sister Trina was around. She was wearing her work apron (Tori said she works at Books-a-Trillion during the week) and singing loudly to Cuttlefish (still can't wrap my head around the fact that Trina of all people likes them) and vaccuuming the whole house so eventually we went upstairs to her room.

It made me feel sort of uncomfortable to be in Tori's room because of the two kissing attempt thing, and also her room is really sort of flowery and girly and I guess I'm used to Jade's black-painted walls and various animal skulls and stuff.

'So how are you doing? I asked her, looking at her actually sort of disturbingly large collection of Disney stuffed animals. No wonder she gets along with Cat so much.

'Oh, all right,' Tori said vaguely.

'Your parents are okay?' I asked. Tori immediately looked depressed so I felt bad and prying for even asking.

'I guess so,' she said, but then she told me again about her mom moving out – she's rented a condo – and how her dad goes around looking depressed all the time and the other night he'd just thrown the espresso machine because her mom always sets it and he doesn't know how to work it.

'That sucks, Tori,' I said, because I'm the master of eloquence and consolation.

Tori said they're taking time apart to see if her dad can forgive her mom and it really sucks because of the espresso machine and that's not a very good sign, is it?

I asked her, 'Does your mom want to be forgiven?'

Tori looked more depressed. She said, 'I don't know. I haven't talked to her.'

'Oh,' I said, and Tori gave me a dark look and said, 'What, do you think I should talk to her?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't know.' Finally I said, 'I mean, she's still your mother.'

Tori said something like, 'Yeah but she was lying to us all and that's a big deal, how can she even care about us?'

Man. I thought maybe I could help Tori and commiserate but I really didn't have anything to say at all. I mean, my parent's separation wasn't anything like this. I thought pretty hard and finally said something like yeah her mom did a jerk thing but her relationship with your dad doesn't have anything to do with you and Trina. She must still love you guys a lot.

Tori said maybe. She said that she knows her dad works a lot, but her job is important and her mom knows that. Do I know her dad got shot once?

'Oh my God!' I said.

Tori said, 'Well it was just an old lady with a BB gun and he was wearing a bullet-proof vest, but she had a _lot_ of cats and I bet he was really scared.'

'Um,' I said. 'Wow.'

Tori said, 'My dad works really hard to support us and I thought Mom understood that. She doesn't love him enough anymore? Why did she have to move out? She couldn't stay here for me and Trina? We're not enough for her?'

That made me feel really small and sort of bad and I said 'I understand how you feel, Tor.' I told her a little bit about Mom moving back to India for a year and her new husband and how she asked me a couple months ago do I think she's too old to try to have another baby?

This was like two days before the Pot Roast ordeal with Dad, so I guess it was already sort of on my mind when it happened and probably why I was so quick to yell back at him.

'Gee,' Tori said, and continued to look depressed, which isn't really how I'd wanted her to look. 'I didn't know that about you, Beck.'

'Yeah,' I said. I felt sort of uncomfortable again because I'm a boy and, you know, having feelings and stuff is weird to me, especially when I'm sharing them with people who aren't Jade and Robbie.

We hung out for a little more and Tori told me about some of the other police cases her Dad has been on and then we talked about school some more. I asked her about Cat's Mystery Lover and Tori looked amused and said she doesn't know who Cat likes. She said that she saw Cat talking to Braden yesterday, who is this guy that Tori and Andre had tried to set Jade up with once, but it doesn't mean anything because Cat talks to everyone.

I added Braden to the list in my head as Hostile #1.

We talked about class some more, Robbie's photo project, how we both hate Chemistry, and I showed her you, Emily Elizabeth (again, didn't tell her I called you that). I told her it's not so bad to write in you and that Jade had made fun of it and insulted my vocabulary and called me Charlie.

Tori frowned. 'Doesn't it bother you that your girlfriend calls you dumb?'

'I am dumb.'

'No you aren't!' cried Tori, but I'm not dumb, diary (I mean, I am) so she was probably just being nice.

That's when Tori gave me Flowers for Algernon and she said if I want to read the other Charlie book it's probably in the library at school because apparently it's really popular and they're making a movie. She said, 'I'm surprised you haven't read them both. They were on my summer reading project lists when I went to Central freshman year.'

'Haha, weird,' I said, because Tori's under some strange assumption that I actually read books.

Then Trina broke into the room and started leaning on me and Tori hollered at her that doesn't she need to be at work soon so I took that as my cue to leave. When I left Tori said, 'Thanks for listening to me rant and for talking to me, Beck. I feel better now,' and that made me feel good even though I didn't do anything helpful.

I called Jade when I came home and she gave me the third-degree about being at Tori's while I made myself a microwave-cheese sandwich. Then she wanted to hang out but I have to work on hfdsjjksdjsdf ttrjdfj uuuuuuuurg Chemistry and she said whatever, she'll just work on her photo and lab projects.

'Okay,' I said. 'Love you.'

'I'd love you more if there were chocolates,' Jade said and hung up.

**AN: Eek, this one was sort of long. If you notice some misspellings and tense changes in this, I did that on purpose because I feel like Beck would be sort of careless and not know every grammatical rule and put a couple mistakes in. Anyway, I have a bit more of this written but I'm not sure about it ... I see these chapter hits so if you're reading and enjoying, a review or two would be nice - just saying. ;)**

**Happy weekend, people!  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Oct 9**

In a strange turn of events, me and Robbie got ourselves jobs today!

So remember how Tori's sister, Trina, works at Books-a-Trillion? Well, her car's been having problems so she's been getting rides home from Tori. Earlier we all (that being me, Tor, and Robbie) were hanging out when Trina called Tori because she's dropped her soup all over the floor and telling her to bring her a new lunch.

Tori did the overtly exaggerated moaning thing we all do whenever Trina talks / appears / asks us for anything, even going so far as to wiggle and slump off the couch this time.

I guess I was feeling charitable so I said 'I should be heading out soon anyway. I can bring her something if you don't wanna go, Tori.'

Tori looked thrilled. Robbie, who'd caught a ride over with me, did not.

Anyway, Tori happily made a turkey sandwich for me to take to Trina as Robbie stood around looking sad in the background.

We drove to LA and parked around the block from B-a-T. (Bat? BAT? Not sure how I wanna write that.) When we got inside there was no one at the main desk but there was a girl at the smaller returns desk. She had short brown hair above her shoulders and really thick bangs and she was standing and looking overwhelmed at a sullen-looking college girl who I guess was trying to return a book. College-girl had a young-looking little kid with her that seemed kind of aggitated and was rubbing her ear a lot. College girl looked at us, too.

Robbie immediately clammed up because there was not one but two unknown and possibly teenaged girls in the room. I said, 'Hey. Uh, is Trina working?' I held up the lunch sack.

Bangs looked overwhelmed some more. 'Well,' she says. 'She was supposed to be back from her lunch break' she looks at the clock above us 'about twenty-five minutes ago.'

'Yeah,' I said. Sounds like Trina.

'I'm really sorry,' Bangs said to College Girl. She kind of looked around at all of us. 'Trina's the only one who knows how to work the returns desk but I can't leave the register unattended to go and get her.'

College girl rolled her eyes and slumped some more. Bangs looked even more overwhelmed.

I felt really bad for her and she was sort of stuck after saying that so I just said quickly, without even thinking, 'That's okay. I mean I just clocked in so I'll just wait here while you go and get Trina.' Bangs blinked at me so I said, 'You can tell her Beck and Robbie are here with food.'

'Um,' said Bangs, and looked at me hesitantly like she thought I might rob the bookstore, 'yeah, okay.' To College Girl, 'Just one more minute, ma'am.'

College Girl looked unimpressed and just shifted the heavy-looking book she was holding to her other arm. Bangs hurried away towards the back of the store and I guess the break room.

Me and Robbie went and stood by the desk and I smiled at College Girl. 'What're you returning?' I asked her, since I was supposed to be pretending to be an employee.

She shoved the book at us – Jane Eyre.

Robbie said, 'That's a great book! You're returning it? Did you read it?'

Bangs gave us one more curious look and then disappeared into a room in the back.

College Girl said, 'Um, no way. This is a little long for me. My mom got it for me for my birthday.'

'It's really good,' Robbie said. He leaned on the desk and started talking at College Girl about Jane Eyre (Robbie gets real passionate about literature) so I was left sort of just standing there. I sat on the floor next to the little girl who was sniffling beside College Girl.

'Hi,' I said to her. She sniffled.

'Ugh, Josie,' said College Girl. 'My sister. She has an ear infection. She came with me to get her medicine.'

'Aw,' I said to Josie. 'Those suck.' Josie sniffles and nods. Poor kid! College Girl turns back to Robbie to hear more about Jane Eyre (for some reason) and Josie stared at me with interest and rubbed at her ear some more.

'I like you hair,' she said.

I love little kids! They're so easy to entertain. It's why I don't mind watching my neighbor even though Jade gets annoyed.

'Robbie,' I said, 'Gimme a quarter.'

Robbie stared at me but he did so. I shoved the quarter to Josie and then made a big display out of moving it from hand to hand. I did the good old quarter-in-the-ear magic trick to her. ('Wait,' I said. 'Which ear's infected?' She pointed to her left one so I made the quarter come out of her right one. Can't have magic coins coming out of infected ears.) Josie grinned.

By that time Bangs was back with Trina reluctantly in tow. She shoved Trina at the desk with a huge sigh. 'Whatdya got?' Trina said.

'You know what,' said College Girl. 'I think I might just keep it. If I wind up not being able to read it I can just give it to my other sister. You guys sell pens here?'

Trina looked pissed and gave us a dark look. 'Yeah, over by the wall,' she said, and when College Girl just stared at her she heaved a huge sigh of her own and finally moved off to show her.

Meanwhile Robbie beamed at the thought of I guess getting someone to read a book.

Bangs was standing and looking at us weirdly and uncertainly. 'Are you guys friends of Trina's?' she asked.

'No,' we both said immediately. I said, 'We know her sister.'

'Oh, okay,' said Bangs, and relaxed her shoulders a little, like she judged us okay to talk to since we didn't actually like Trina. She said to Robbie, 'Have you really read Jane Eyre?'

'Um yes,' said Robbie. Then he just stared at her, so I added for him, 'Robbie reads everything.'

Bangs smiled. She asked him what his favorite part was. Robbie looked encouraged and started talking about how he'd thought there was some ghost or something at the manor but then it turned out to be the guys wife and zzzzzz old books and Bangs said oh yeah I really liked zzzzZZz, so I just sort of leaned against the desk and thought contemplatively about the recupercussions of eating Trina's turkey sandwich. A few minutes later Trina came back anyway, saving me.

'Thanks for dragging me off my lunch break for nothing,' she snitted in true Trina-like fashion.

Bangs completely ignored her and kept grinning at me and Robbie. 'I don't suppose you two would wanna work here and replace this one?' she asks, tilting her head towards Trina and grinning. Trina gave her a mean look, but it was pretty moderate, for Trina. That made me grin, too.

'Excuse you' said Trina, 'I do not need to be replaced. I'm a valued employee. Explain to me why I know how to work the returns desk and not you?'

Bangs said promptly, still smiling, 'Because way less people come to the returns desk than to the front, and putting the ogre princess there'll probably make them even less likely to return something next time?'

Now Robbie was grinning too. Trina just made an irritated sound and grabbed the lunch sack away from me,) saying 'Whatever, is this for me?!' and stalked off.

'We do actually need jobs,' I said then, really just thinking aloud, and Robbie looked at me and nods even though the topic of either of us getting jobs has never really come up.

Bangs looked sort of excited. 'Really?' she asked. 'Because we're actually really short-staffed at night. Do you guys have classes then or … ?'

Wow, she thought we were in college! Well, probably just because we came in knowing Trina, and not because we look old. Anyway, it still made me chuckle a little. 'No. We're in high school,' I told her. 'Seniors. Hollywood Arts.'

Bangs looked impressed and said wow, both of us? 'Yupper,' said Robbie, and then looked rightly chagrined at himself for saying 'yupper.'

'I go to Central,' Bangs tells us. 'It sucks eggs.'

We hung around for a while longer talking about how much Central sucks eggs versus HA (well, honestly Robbie didn't really say much at all, because Bangs is a girl and you know how he is with them when he's apparently not talking about classic lit) until Bangs' manager – this cute old Colombian guy – came back from wherever and Bangs told him all about how we'd calmed the angry customer and my quarter trick and Jane Eyre and saved the day. Mr Tenerio looked impressed and pretty much hired us right away – didn't even make us fill out applications, just took us to the back to fill out our taxes papers. (I hope I did them right. Robbie has a song to remember his social security number but I don't.)

$9 an hour! That's a whole dollar more than minimum wage. Now I don't have to bug Dad and help clean his camera equipment when I want money.

By the way, I forgot to write that Bangs' name is actually Janet. Janet Jaworski, but everyone calls her JJ. She'd told us her name at some point but it was easier when I was writing this to just keep calling her Bangs.

I guess I'll describe her some more since I feel pretty good and don't want to stop writing yet: well, she seems really nice, firstly. Like, real happy, which is cool. But not … you know, Cat-level happy, which is – again – cool. She's a junior at Central. She's pretty short, maybe only five foot, and she's got cool Keds sneakers that she colored in with blue and red markers. She's got some freckles and she's not very skinny, I guess, but I definitely wouldn't even call her chubby, not really. Just, you know, nice and normal. She's got really big boobs, though. Points for that.

(Sexist leech comment of the night brought to you by Beck Oliver. Sponsored by the Coca Cola company.)

All in all I'd say she's pretty cute. If I could say that, you know, but I'm not even going to, or have any opinion regarding her cuteness at all, firstly because Jade would kill me. And second, when Robbie was talking to her about Jane Eyre, that was like the first time I've seen him be around a girl and not stutter or scream something Tourette's-y or spill soda on himself.

In-ter-est-ing.

I guess today was pretty good.


	7. Chapter 7

**Oct 14**

I think Jade and I sort of had a fight tonight. I mean we generally have about ten small fights during the day because Jade lives to antagonize everyone, including me, but this one felt different.

We were just in the RV and I could tell Jade was getting tired of cuddling and watching The Real World because she said 'Beck, I'm tired of cuddling and watching The Real World.'

'Okay,' I said. 'So what do you want to do?'

Jade said 'I don't know.'

'Okay,' I said. 'Well me either.'

Jade told me to think of something, then! I asked her why it was my responsibility to always be thinking of things to do. I wasn't the only one doing them, you know. She was there too. Jade huffed loudly and just looked annoyed at me.

'You really wanna do something I pick to do?'

'Sure,' I said, in a great fear but trying not to show it.

'Okay. Let's break into the old middle school and have sex.'

'Jade! No way!'

'Fine. Let's go get matching tattoos.'

'Maybe not such a good idea.'

'How about we go drive down the highway and try to identify small roadkill carcasses.'

'Umm … no.'

Jade rolled her eyes and huffed again. 'See? You don't want to do anything I want to do!'

I think that responding gently, 'That's because you're creepy, babe' wouldn't have gone over very well so I just stayed quiet and looked at her. Finally, I asked hopefully, 'Want to get food?'

I like getting food. I like being around Jade. Put the two together and I'm just a happy happy guy who's got food and Jade.

'No. We always get food.'

Well! Emily Elizabeth, unlike you, we're people, we need to eat! Every day, in fact! I said, 'I dunno what else you wanna do.' It was Sunday night and there's school tomorrow and I worked seven hours today and I'm not used to standing around on my weekends all day being helpful and telling people where the hardback copies of Twilight are.

Jade said something like, 'We always do the same thing. We never do anything new or different. Don't you think it gets boring?'

'Not really,' I said.

I probably could have said more but I didn't. What's wrong with doing the same things? If you like those things and you like the person you're doing them with then I don't really see the problem. I mean, we're kids in high school, and it's not like we can just up and go parasailing at ten on a Sunday night or something.

Is Jade getting bored with me? Does she think I'm boring? I'm the same as always, since before we got back together. Was I boring before that, too? If she thinks I'm so boring, why was she here right now?

I didn't ask her those things though. We just finished watching The Real World. Then Jade went home and now I'm writing this and feeling sort of bummed.

**Oct 17**

Earlier at school, Robbie was telling Tori and Andre about BaT during lunch (Tori had came to the table looking offended and saying 'Oh you guys can't tell me about new events in your life? I have to find out everything from my megalomaniac sister?'). Jade was sitting next to me like usual and she rolled her eyes hard because she already knew all about BaT and she said, ' You two goons at a bookstore? Almost makes me not want to read anything ever again.'

Robbie looked offended so that I didn't have to (that's usually how it goes when Jade makes some sort of comment. If someone else gets all up in arms over her, it means I don't have to and I'm usually OK with that because less fighting is good). I can't remember what his exact words were but it was something characteristecally biting and witty like, 'Oh, what do you know!'

Jade rolled her eyes again – sometimes I wonder how they stay in her head – and she smirked her little half-smile that I like while Robbie muttered to himself that he hopes she never reads anything ever, he wants her to be unable to focus on small print and develop eyestrain and need to get glasses, see how that feels, and other Robbie-like things that would usually make me chuckle.

But for some reason I didn't feel like chuckling too much. I turned to Jade, 'Babe, what's that supposed to mean?'

$5 to the person who predicted that she'd roll her eyes at me! 'Nothing' she said. 'I've just already heard all about your dumb job.'

'My job is important,' I said. I mean, hey, it's only been a week, but it is important.

Jade did half an eyeroll and she gave me a little pout even though we were right out in the open in the courtyard. (I should say that Robbie and Andre were talking about BaT again and Tori was trying to yank her pearphone out of her too-small purse. Noone was really paying attention to us so we were having a private convo.) Jade said, 'Yeah, so important that you'll never have time for me now.'

'I'll always have time for you!' I declared. 'And I will buy you everything you ever want.'

Or at least everything she'd ever want on a 20 hour a week salary. But you know, it's something more than what I got now.

Then I thought about it. 'Except I actually don't have time for you today,' I said. 'Because I have to stay after school to do my Trig homework. And then I have to work. And Andre and I are running lines for Sikowitz's.'

Jade glared at me.

**Oct 18**

I just wrote in here yesterday but some sort of interesting stuff happened at work and I feel like writing about it. Also, I got my essay on Dylan Thomas back in Modern Soc and I got a B + on it, which is the best grade I've ever gotten on an English paper.

Pretty teacher just corrected some of my spelling (apparently 'noone' is actually two words and 'uncomfy' is not a word at all, whoops) and she put a couple of commas in and things. She wrote on the top of the page that my writing style is interesting and funny. That makes me feel sort of good, Emily, because I didn't think my writing style was anything and anything. Anyway, I'm going to try harder in here to use my quotations correctly and not to write words that don't exist unless I feel it absolutely neccessary.

I know that word is spelled wrong but my laptop's across the RV and I can't get up to spellcheck.

Anyway. Work. I was scribbling down yesterday's entry on my break and JJ came into the back to get a soda. She looked interested so I showed her you, EE, and told her about Modern Soc. She said it was cool and she wished Central had creative programs like that. She asked what I wrote about in you.

'Nothing much,' I said.

JJ looked at a page in you but I could tell she wasn't reading it. She said, "Wow, you've filled that much already and your handwriting is really small! You must have a lot to say, Beck."

I said, "Not really."

It was just funny to me that she'd think that because I don't really have a lot to say at all. Girls are silly.

Anyway, last night at work I met two of my other coworkers, Serena and Brendan. There were a lot of us there because Serena and Brendan were doing inventory stuff and Robbie was hanging out because he was giving me a ride. But he'd borrowed his mom's car and there's no reason for him to ever give me a ride in that rusty thing so I'm pretty sure he wanted to hang around and mostly-not-talk to JJ.

Serena is JJ's friend from Central and she's Asian and cute. She's short too. She's got half-blonde hair and half-blue and looks really striking, but it's probably just because of the hair. She's also really strange and when she met us instead of shaking our hands she put her hand on Robbie's forehead and said something about the intensity of his aura (I wondered if it was purple, like the color his face turned when she touched him). She said she couldn't get a read on me. She doesn't really smile that much & I totally saw her read a book in a half hour last night. It was a teen lit book but still, impressive.

Brendan is a bit older – I think he's 20 or 21? – and he's been working at BaT for like three years so he knows everything. He seems pretty nice even though he's sort of. I don't really know the word I want to use. Laid-back but that's not quite it? I dunno. He's tall and pale and has really dark hair and eyes that make his face look shocked because he's so pale. He sort of looks like he'd be a singer in one of those moan-y bands Jade likes. He said hey man to me and Rob and shook our hands real briefly and smiled even more briefly and then sort of us just let us be, even though I think he's a manager.

We were all talking (well, JJ was ringing up a customer & Serena was reading another teen lit book and not-smiling) and Brendan came out from the back again looking at the schedule and he said something to JJ like, 'No Trina tonight?'

'Nope,' said JJ.

Brendan said, 'My heart aches with her absence' in a really dry way that made JJ laugh loudly and he grinned and just walked away again.

JJ said to me, because I was watching her, 'Brendan is pretty cool. Maybe you guys know his sister – she goes to Hollywood Arts too. I think she's in your grade. I used to be friends with her before in eighth grade. Meredith Walker?'

After she said that I could totally see Brendan's resemblance to Meredith and I felt Robbie's eyes snap up to me. 'Beck knows her,' he said loudly, and he was giving me a 'Hey Beck remember when you went on a date with Meredith then decided that she was boring and got up midway through to get back together with Jade and then kissed Jade in front of our whole school?' look, which I calmly ignored.

'Oh Meredith,' I said. 'Ha. Ha. Yeah, I know her a little.'

JJ smiled again. 'Cool,' she said. 'She comes in here sometimes.'

'Ha ha cool,' I said again. 'Are you uh close with her?'

'Not really anymore,' JJ said. 'She's nice but she's sort of intense.'

'Intense?' Robbie said. I also though, intense? because that's really not how I'd describe Meredith at all.

JJ looked towards the back where Brendan'd went quickly and said, 'You know. She's really religious.'

'Oh,' we said.

I didn't know that about Meredith. Kind of surprising and weird. I wonder if Brendan's religious too.

Nothing else eventful happened. Serena wondered if she should buy this book on Charles Manson as we were leaving. I think Robbie's scared of her. JJ told her to give it to Brendan to put in the back for her so she did that.

I helped Brendan lock down the store and when we left he said, 'Another day, more of my cash in Obama's pocket. Good shift, guys.'

'Yeah,' I said even though I don't know anything about Obama's pockets.

Brendan said, 'At least tomorrow I get to work with Trina for nine wonderful hours. A reason to get out of bed in the morning.'

Robbie and I laughed. I think we like this guy.

**AN: Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews, guys! :) I like hearing what you all think about the chapters. Makes me want to write more.**

**I have the rest of this story thought out – I'm pretty sure it's going to span the rest of the school year. My goal is to not let it get too too novel-length. It's going to get pretty intense but my goal is to try and keep it at a T rating or under. Goal #2 for this story is to give Trina a personality that isn't entirely horrible. I also want to put more Andre in – I love his character but its hard for me to write for him because I feel he's one of the better characters on the show.**

**3 not-main-character OCs isn't too bad, is it? I wish the show had more minor characters that weren't written as complete weirdos like Sinjin! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Oct 21**

I just hung out with Andre. We ran lines for our play but mostly his grandmother kept coming into the room and screaming crazy things like "Andre! There's a UFO outside on the porch!" and Andre would say, 'Gramma that's a windchime.' When I left she had hidden his Geography homework and he was getting sort of mad at her and they were both yelling.

Andre always has a lot of stories about his grandma and usually I find them to be funny and I know he means for them to be funny, but actually being over and seeing how she acts and the things she says … well, it just makes it a lot less funny to me. I didn't feel like laughing too much, seeing them yell like that. Maybe she has that All Timer's disease or something.

Of course I didn't say anything though and I didn't ask Andre about why he lived with her vs his parents. I don't think it was good or appropriate timing and all.

Anyway, the reason we were running lines even more is because Friday at practice Sikowitz stopped me and said, "Beck, listen to me. Your girlfriend has been in a coma for two and a half years, your brother has just gotten out of prison and is sleeping on your couch, and you are falling in love with this bellhop. I need more vulnerability out of you, not just swag.'

By the way, he was talking about the play he wrote, to be clear. Andre plays my prison-bound brother, Tori's my girlfriend in a coma and this underclassmen, Liliana, is my bellhop love interest. Also, Sikowitz said swag.

I said to him, 'I am vulnerable.' (I didn't say anything about the swag.)

Sikowitz said, 'It's not coming through. Try harder.'

He's never really had a problem with my acting before and it's the only thing I can do pretty well so I was still frowning about it when we all went out to eat later. I tried to make myself seem very vulnerable when I asked Jade if she wanted to split the BLT Deluxe with me (she looked at me strangely).

Anyway Andre was laughing at me like usual and he said not to worry and if I want I could come over and we could work on our part where we have our big breakthrough scene on the couch and see the ghost of our dead father (Robbie wearing a white wig) in the TV. I said okay and so that happened.

Now I'm texting Jade and she's over at Cat's house so I think I'll head there for a bit. By the way I've done some sleuthing and I've added underclassmen Jeremy and Michael to the Cat's Secret Lover List (CSLL) as hostiles and also Lane because I saw her coming out of his office and he put his arm on her shoulder and she laughed.

Cat's 18 now, Emily Elizabeth. You never know.

Hopefully one of the girls will make me spaghetti! Didn't eat at Andre's which is weird because we're always eating.

Later.

**Oct 24**

Jade dumped me (again). Nothing's good.

**Oct 26**

Nothing's still good.

**Oct 27**

Andre's been getting sort of upset with me and he says I need to chill and think things over and deal with this Jade thing in my head instead of screaming at everyone at lunch and running off and laying under the bleachers in the gym.

I don't want to chill. I'm not chilling. I refuse to chill.

Part of me can tell Andre's being really smart as usual but I don't really want to listen to his advice. But I will write about what happened with Jade.

It was Thursday before fifth period and I had Trig but Jade was waiting for study hall. We have this ten minute sort of break between fourth and fifth so we were down in the junior hallway killing time. We had been arguing all morning because Jade wanted me to take her to West LA to see some re-screening of a Swedish vampire movie and I didn't see why we can't just rent the American remake.

I finally gave in as I usually do. I really just didn't want to go and see it because a) I hate driving to West LA and b) I just got my first paycheck and I wanted to surprise Jade by taking her someplace nice, like the Human Oddities Museum (I know she would like that). And I mean I can still surprise her but she might just be pissed anyway that we're missing the Swedish movie. So anyway I gave in and I thought everything was done with but she kept looking at me so I looked back.

Jade said, 'Beck, do you think we're working out?'

This should have been a warning sign but I'm kind of dumb, EE, so I didn't see it for that and just shrugged at her. If I had known it was a warning sign maybe I could've steered the convo differently and I wouldn't be dumped right now. I just said, 'Yeah, of course.'

She said, 'We've been fighting a lot again.'

I said, 'What else is new?'

Jade sort of smiled at me but it went away real quickly. She crossed her arms and leaned against the locker and sort of looked – not at me, but just near me. She didn't say anything.

I started to feel like something was up then. It made me feel really unsure of myself, which is weird because that's something I never feel around Jade. 'What's up with you?' I asked.

'Nothing,' she said. 'Just pissed that you don't have time for me anymore.'

That made me feel a little pissed too because I do so have time for her, just maybe not as much as before. But it's not like I'm running around playing paintball or videogames and just ignoring her, EE. I've got homework and stupid college applications because Robbie's been screaming since he found out I haven't finished them yet and I felt my check in my pocket that was going to be all for her and fancy dinner and oddities. I said, 'That's not even true, Jade.'

'Whatever,' Jade said in her usual dismissive tone. She kept leaning. She said, 'Everything's different this year.'

I didn't get what she meant. 'Not really,' I said.

Jade didn't say anything for a moment. 'Yeah, everything except us.'

I remembered her rolling her eyes at me at Cat's house on Sunday and walking away (she didn't make me spaghetti) and I remembered her calling me and Robbie goons and I remembered her in the RV saying we always do the same thing and it's boring and I started feeling pretty irritated at her. Sometimes I can be sort of ignorant but maybe she doesn't think enough about me either, you know? I said, 'Jade, if you've got something to say, just say it, okay?'

She said, 'You're happy with us? Dating me?'

I guess maybe I didn't understand what she meant. Sometimes I'm not exactly happy with her because I still think she can be really mean and rude and just wish she'd stop sometimes. But I've only ever wanted to date Jade, ever since the first week of freshman year when she decided she liked me and pushed my middle school girlfriend into the duck pond and kissed me. So I said, 'Of course.'

Then Jade said, 'I mean, you don't think we should see other people?'

'You don't think we should see other people' is probably the worst sentence I've ever heard, Emily.

I didn't even know what to say. I just stared at her. I said, 'No, I don't.'

She looked sort of uncomfortable but she didn't look away or take it back or say she didn't mean it.

I said, 'Why do you want to see other people? You didn't all last year when we were broken up.'

Jade crossed her arms and looked at the wall and then the floor and then the space beside my head and said, 'Well, that was last year.'

I said, 'So you wanted to be with me then and now you don't. I don't understand.'

I don't understand, Emily Elizabeth.

Jade said something like yeah I do want to be with you, then she said something about how we've been together a long time and everything's the same and how are we going to know what we want if we just stay the same?

'I know what I want,' I told her. 'I want you. I want to be with you. I don't want to change anything.'

Jade looked at the floor some more. She said some more stuff about how do I even know what I want if I've never had anything different but I wasn't really paying attention anymore because the only important thing she said all day was 'see other people.'

I interrupted her and said, 'You like someone else? You like some other guy?'

She looked pissed and said no she doesn't like some other guy.

I think I said 'I don't understand' again. I said, 'All summer you wanted to be with me. You changed your mind? You don't love me again?'

Jade looked pissed some more and said of course she loves me.

I was sort of pissed at this point too and I said, 'Oh, so you love me, you just think I'm boring and stupid.'

Jade said, 'I never said that!'

'You say it all the time,' I said. 'You say it to everyone. You say it to Robbie and Cat and Tori and Andre. You say it to Sikowitz.'

'That's not true,' Jade said. 'I've never called you stupid.' (I guess she couldn't admit to the boring thing.)

'You say it in every possible way without using the actual word,' I said. I was pretty angry by this point.

Jade looked pretty angry too. She said, 'So why don't you do something about it?'

'You think I can just grow an IQ on a tree and then eat it?' I yelled. 'I guess I'm pretty stupid but even I know that's pretty impossible.'

Jade said something about how great now I was all worked up (of course I was worked up, Emily Elizabeth!) and how maybe we both just need to chill for a few days and think about things.

I don't even know what there is to think because 'see other people' and blind rage and does she really think I'm stupid? I said, 'Whatever you want Jade. Take a few days. Take a month! Take a whole year!'

Jade said I'm irrational and that's not what she meant. I said how am I supposed to know what she means because I'm so stupid after all. Then I said 'Sorry for having tied you down for so long.'

Jade looked pissed some more and then the bell rang and she stared at me and just said 'Whatever' and stalked off. I punched a locker and then later I screamed at Robbie which makes me feel really crappy and I haven't gone to Trig since.

That was like three days ago. Robbie's forgiven me for yelling but Jade hasn't even been at lunch and we haven't spoken since so I sort of don't know what's going on but I assume it's bad. Now I just really regret everything I said but I don't know how to take it back and it wouldn't matter anyway because Jade said 'see other people' and everything's a mess and I still don't understand.

**AN: Don't be too upset, guys! I don't want to spoil this fic and I don't want y'all to be pining for Beck/Jade but I've decided that Bade is definitely endgame and hopefully I can pull it off how I want to.**

**Writing Jade in this case is hard for me, since I haven't put much in the fic to redeem her character or give her more depth. I hate that the show generally seems to give forth the idea that Jade is simply the horrible one and needs to change – I mean, I think Beck needs to gain a personality! To be honest I don't really think that Jade as she's presented would ever really dump Beck a second time but eh, my fic my rules.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Oct 29**

Life just sucks without Jade. So far this year, I guess, we hadn't had as much time to hang out as before, but now that she's dumped me I just feel her absence everywhere.

(We are actually officially broken up now. She took me off The Slap as her boyfriend yesterday.)

I still haven't talked to her and I haven't really talked to the girls about it but I guess the general consensus is we've broken up and Cat and Tori look really hesitant to say anything about it at all when we're together at lunch.

I've been really irritable for the past week and Andre and Robbie know by now not to mention Jade's name because I sort of snarl or moan intelligebly whenever they do and I really just don't want to do anything aside from eat and lay on things. They've classified this as 'Post Traumatic Jade Disorder' and I really just have the worst friends.

After school they were in the library with me. I have four days of detention for skipping Trig so much. I was supposed to be finishing up my college application for the last acting school I'm applying to but I kept tossing my pen down and putting my head down on the desk.

I said something like 'Why do I have to write this essay? This essay is crap and I can't even spell very good. Maybe I won't get into college anyway because I'm not vulnerable enough and no one loves me.'

Robbie and Andre did not say anything supportive like 'We love you'! They just exchanged a look and Robbie said, 'PTJD.'

Andre nodded and agreed, 'PTJD.'

I yelled, 'It is not PTJD you flapjacks!'

(I didn't actually say the word 'flapjacks.' I said a very bad word that I don't feel is appropriate to write in this notebook since it's technically for school.)

Robbie gasped loudly because I hardly ever use language like that. After a minute he edged the pen back into my hand and made some consoling noises. He said, 'Beck, have you even talked to Ja - '

I made a loud moaning noise.

Robbie quickly said, 'Errr she who must not be named.'

I moaned again. I said, 'She's not Voldemort, Robbie.'

Andre said, leaning to put his head in his hands all seriously, 'How sure about that are you exactly.'

Robbie said, 'She was talking to me in Photo today. I think she feels pretty bad. She asked me how you were.'

That made me feel even worse because clearly she just feels bad and guilty for not loving me anymore and Jade never feels guilty so she really must not love me a lot. I groaned and chucked the pen again.

Robbie tried to say some other things but I really didn't feel like listening to what he had to say so I just ignored him.

Later tonight I had work and instead of getting ready I just laid on my bed in the RV in a great depression. Tori was texting me aquatic sea animal puns but I was too busy feeling sad and listening to depressing music to respond to her. It's not very good of me because I've only been working there a few weeks, but I totally wouldn't have even gone to work if Robbie hadn't shown up to take me with his Mom's car backfiring all over my driveway.

Robbie bribed me out of bed with two Fat Cakes and he made me change into a slightly less wrinkled pullover. He drove me to work and made nervous chatter about the play which I did not care about.

When we got to BaT JJ was at the desk finishing up with a customer and she jumped up as soon as we got through the door. She said, 'Thank God you guys are here, Trina's been doing her nails in the back all afternoon and Jose (that's Mr. Tenerio, our boss) has been out getting coffee for forever and I'm so out of here, sorry – ' She stopped with her bookbag dangling from her shoulder and said, 'Jesus, Beck, you look like you've been run over!'

I probably said something deep and sorrowful like 'Ghurgh.'

JJ frowned and came closer to us. She said, 'What happened to you?'

I probably said something informative and heartbreaking like 'Nrrrgh.'

Robbie took over the situation and said, 'Well he has – you see his Jade – I mean that is his girlfriend – I mean his ex – I mean she did the, she broke up with, with him.'

(Robbie still has trouble making good sentences around JJ but it's progress.)

'Oh my God Beck!' said JJ. 'I'm so sorry!'

'Askfdskfjds,' I said, and leaned heavily on the desk.

JJ nodded and then directed her next question to Robbie, 'Were they together for a long time?'

Robbie wondered, 'Can you really measure a relationship spent with the devil in units of time?'

'Watch it,' I said, because Jade's a jerk and doesn't love me but that doesn't mean I need to hear Robbie be mean about her.

JJ said again, 'Geez, Beck, I'm really sorry!'

Robbie and I went into the back and clocked in. JJ sort of hung around because I guess she wanted details or something - she usually works in the afternoons and leaves at 6 when we come in but sometimes she stays around and talks for a while.

Mr Tenerio came back with a giant carton of hot coffee and a box of donuts from Dippin Donuts and I took three and slumped over to the returns desk with them (Robbie stared sadly at the donuts but didn't take any since he has a gluten allergy. Jose probably didn't know that and he frowned at donutless Robbie). JJ followed me to the desk and she had that wanting details look on her face still so I told her all about Jade and how long we've been together and our two previous breakups.

Mr Tenorio kept sweeping by with books and chuckling at my plight like I am a little child or something and muttering, 'Teenagers!' Also Robbie kept interrupting me and stammering helpful things like, 'Once Jade pretended our friend Tori hit her in the face with a cane because she hates Tori and wants her to get expelled' and 'Once Jade posted on The Slap dot com that I had psoriasis on my back and no one would talk to me for a week.'

We both stared at him and he stared back and then exclaimed, 'Which, which I don't have!'

JJ said, 'Well Jade doesn't sound very nice, to be honest. Why are you so upset?'

'You don't understand,' I said. 'Nice is boring.'

JJ frowned. She said, 'I guess a lot of people must be boring then. You're pretty nice. Are you boring?'

'I must be,' I said.

**Nov 2  
**

The PTJD is still ongoing and I'm dealing with it but probably not very well.

I've had two conversations with Jade and they were both really short and not productive at all. The first one was on Halloween when she stopped by the lunch table to talk to Cat and she looked at me and said, 'Hey.'

I said, 'Hey' back. The whole table got quiet and stared at us both and Robbie made a display of himself by stuffing his entire sandwich in his mouth. Jade said, 'How are you?'

'Great,' I said.

'Cool,' Jade said. She stared at me some more and then she turned back to Cat and told her she'd pick her up at 8 o clock. They must have been going to a party together and that sunk me into a deep PTJD episode because Jade and I used to go to parties together.

(I didn't have work on Halloween so I just tagged along with Robbie to BaT and I spent the evening in the back off the clock helping Mr Tenerio put away overstocked books. Brendan was there and he called me 'Night of the Living Beck' I guess because of how I looked and he patted me sympathetically on the back when I told him about the PTJD. JJ brought in chocolate cupcakes with orange icing and I ate four of them in a great depression. Thank God for her.)

The second time was when she came over to me at my locker to give me back my old green army jacket. I said, 'Thanks.'

Jade said, 'Yeah.' She said, 'You doing good?'

I said, 'Yeah. What about you?'

'I'm all right,' she said.

Her being at my locker made me feel really sad and like I wanted to kiss her so I just looked at her and then asked how her photo project was going.

'Pretty good,' she said. She said, 'Did Robbie tell you about the film reel?'

'No,' I said.

Jade smiled in a wry way which made me even sadder and she said, 'Well you should ask him.'

'Okay,' I said. Then the bell rang and Jade shifted her bookbag and said, 'Later' and then she went to class and so did I.

**Nov 5  
**

I just wanted to say in here that I finished Flowers for Algernon and it's probably the most depressing thing ever. I really hope I'm not that Charlie.

It usually wouldn't take me a whole month to read a short little book like this but Ive been busy what with work and the Post Traumatic Jade Disorder and finishing it definitely didn't help at all.

Authors should put a warning on books like these or not write such terrible sad and awful things. Isn't this book for teenagers? It was getting so bad at the end that I didn't even want to finish it and when it was over I tossed it down and laid on the floor of the RV for ten minutes thinking.

I hate it when things make me lay on the floor of the RV and think. Not that I ever will because I'm not that smart but if I ever write a book I'll be sure to give it a happy ending. I don't want people laying on the floor because of something I've wrote.

What else. Yesterday I worked at BaT with Trina and she said, 'Beck, you need to comb your hair and stop moping over Jade. I'm actually embarassed to be seen with you right now.'

I said, 'Shut up, Trina.'

Trina made a nasty face at me and then made a thinking face. She said, 'If it helps you get over Jade, I will allow you to make out in the back with me until Brendan comes back in at eight.'

'No thanks,' I said. I said, 'I don't want to get over Jade.' I thought about it and then said, 'I don't need to get over Jade because I'm going to win her back.'

Trina just looked at me, chewing her gum with her mouth open. She said, 'Well I hope you brush your hair first.'


	10. Chapter 10

**Nov 7**

So I know I wrote in here that I've decided to win Jade back but that doesn't mean I can't still be depressed about her in the meantime. I've been compiling a variety of brokenhearted love songs since the breakup and I've been eating a lot of Fritos.

Yesterday in the afternoon Robbie, Tori, and Cat came over and Robbie held me at bay while Tori and Cat deleted all four of my Jade Doesn't Love Me playlists from my laptop. Robbie sprayed me in the face with my hair mousse (it's for men, okay?) and struggled with me while the girls went through the whole RV and collected up all of my potato chips.

'You fluting flapjacks!' I yelled.

Everyone made shocked faces at me. Then Tori said, 'Okay, this needs to stop. I want you to know I'm totally on Team Beck but you need to chill out with the depressing music and the cursing and the Fritos. You bought out the whole lunch truck today.'

'I am aware of that, Tori,' I snitted.

Robbie said, 'I'm on Team Beck too but I hate Depeche Mode and you're ruining your cholesterol level. Also you're driving us crazy.'

Cat said, 'I think I sort of have to be Team Jade because she'll kill me but I hate Depeche Mode too and you're driving me crazy!'

So now I have no chips and no music and I've resorted to listening to the Nickelback CDs my dad has hidden apparently all over the house. I think he feels a kinship to them because they're Canadian and his middle name is Chad like the singer. It's seriously like, you walk into my house, go to make a slice of toast or something, and surprise! Nickelback! They're everywhere. There must be some other Candian rock bands that my dad can hide CDs of in the pantry.

Tonight at work I commandeered the stereo and made everyone listen to them. Brendan looked horrified at first but I explained to him 'this is all I have left' and told him about the ransacking of my RV and then he laughed a lot. Mr Tenerio just looked confused and unhappy about the Nickelback and went out to get coffee.

I forgot to say that I forgot to ask Robbie about the film reel Jade had mentioned. I asked him today and he brought the pictures to work. They're pictures he took last year for the yearbook. It's from around the time Cat accidentally waxed all of Jade's eyebrows off and Jade sneaked a very realistic bald wig onto Cat's head to get back at her (she really thought she was bald for like three days). So it's all of us hanging around in Sikowitz's classroom with not-really-bald Cat and eyebrowless Jade.

Jade and I weren't even together then but I found a picture where I'm looking at her and she's looking at me.

To Robbie, I said along with the stereo, 'Look at this photograph. Everytime I do it makes me laugh.'

Robbie said, 'Beck, I hate everything you stand for' and went to mark down a bunch of damaged Dean Koontz books that no one will buy anyway. I put on another one of Dad's CDs.

A customer came up to me bopping their head and said, 'Man these tunes are good, eh. Haven't heard this song in a while.'

'Silver Side Up, my friend,' I said and put the pictures down to ring him up. I thought about it and said, 'Want to apply for the store card? It's thirty dollars a year and you'll get special discounts and free posters. Ten percent of the proceeds go to the Chad Kroeger Foundation.'

(You really do get discounts and posters but the Chad Kroeger thing was a lie and just me talking out of my butt, EE. I've been sort of careless and flippant lately.)

They smiled and signed up for the card. Brendan looked approving at my methods.

**Nov 11**

I marked this as the 11th but it's actually the 12th, almost 4 am on Saturday morning. I've been awake all night thinking about things. First I was angry, then sad, then I wasn't anything, then I was sad again, and now I just feel sort of restless so I'm going to write a ton of stuff, Emily. I'm sorry for your pages.

Tonight was the party at Cat's house that she's been talking about since October. I knew that Jade would be going and I'd decided that this was going to be the night I'd get her to want me back. I did all my laundry and I got a haircut (a lot shorter than I normally get it) and JJ and Serena both said I was looking pretty good last night at BaT.

We were in the RV right before the party I was detailing the speech for Jade I had planned to Robbie and he turned an interesting waxy color.

'I don't know Beck,' he said. 'I mean maybe you should just chill for a while. You know what? This party is probably going to be stupid and lame and I'm not even going to go. You shouldn't go either.'

I told Robbie he was full of crap because I know he's been waiting to hang out with Cat outside of school all month.

Robbie said, 'Mehhhhh.'

I said, 'What's your problem, dude?'

Robbie put on his very serious I'm About To Tell A Lie face. It's sort of the same face he makes after he drinks milk, but I've known Robbie for eight years, and I can tell the difference. He said, 'Nothing.'

I glared at him.

He said, 'It's just.' Then he stopped. He started doing the annoying thing he does whenever he doesn't have Rex to hold onto and he started tapping his hands all nervously on my desk. He said 'It's nothing. I just think we shouldn't go.'

'Robbie,' I said, because he was still making the liar face. I made myself look very menacing and I turned Nickelback down on my stereo. 'What do you know.'

'It's just that Jade told me,' he said, then squeaked and tapped even more wildly.

'Jade told you what.'

Robbie said, 'Ulp!'

(Robbie always acts really skittish around me whenever the topic of Jade comes up or he says something about his Photo Lab class which he has with her. I told him before it's okay if he talks to Jade or about Jade and I understand that they're friends and I'm not mad at him for talking to her. He just looked at me like I was insane and he said, 'We're not friends.')

I made myself look even more menacing. I lowered my eyebrows dangerously and leaned in at him.

Robbie said rapidly, 'It's just that Jade told me she might be bringing a date and she didn't think you'd be going because Cat's mostly her friend and I told her I wouldn't let you go.'

I roared, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE MIGHT BE BRINGING A DATE!'

'Ulp!' said Robbie again.

I said, 'Flapjacking flap shoot snakes and ladders flap flip god darn it mother flapper.'

Robbie almost passed out.

I said, 'I can't believe she's bringing a date. She told me she didn't flapping like another guy. She's a flapping liar.'

Robbie said, 'I mean she said might and that's only might right and anyway it's only one date and that doesn't mean anything anyway right?'

'Flap flap flap,' I said. 'Robbie, we're going to that party.'

'No we are not,' Robbie said, still looking appalled at my language. 'Look at you, your hair is standing on end like Frankenstein and you keep swearing. You're not going to win Jade back that way.'

What did he know? Jade thinks I'm boring and nice is boring and I certainly didn't feel very nice at the moment, EE.

'You're right, Robbie,' I said after a moment of quick thinking. 'I need to calm down. Maybe you should go home and I'll take a nap.'

Robbie looked unconvinced but said okay. I yawned exageratedly and he started getting his stuff together. As soon as he left I grabbed my keys and flew out to my car and got in and drove off. I passed Robbie on the way and in my rearview mirror I could see him shriek in rage and betrayal and then he switched into the right-hand lane to follow me down the street. He followed me all the way to Cat's house and in the mirror I could see that he was really annoyed with me. His face was all screwed up and red like after he eats shellfish.

I parked my car along the sidewalk and started out. Robbie parked behind me and ran up ahead of me. He flattened himself against the doorway and cried, 'Think about what you're doing, Beck.'

I said, 'Robbie. Rob Man. I'm not doing anything. I just want to hang out with my friends. This is the first Friday night I've had off in a month.'

Robbie looked unconvinced. He said, 'I think you're going to go in there and freak the freak out (he really said 'freak,' EE, and not a curse word) on Jade's date. And I can't let you do that because I told her we wouldn't come and she has pictures of me in my swimsuit from freshman year waiting to be uploaded to the Slap if I am a liar.'

I promised Robbie I wouldn't freak the freak out. I peeled him off the doorframe and patted him on the back. 'I'm just going to hang out,' I told him. 'Why don't you go and find Cat? I bet she'll be happy to see you. Maybe you guys can share a soda.'

Robbie still looked unconvinced but he knows he's not strong enough to stop me. He said, "I guess I do want to see Cat. If there's a problem, just scream for me.'

'Okay,' I said, and went to go freak the freak out on Jade's date.

In the house I smoothed my hair down (but not too much, since I didn't want it to look too nice and boring) and stormed about everywhere until I found Jade.

She was in the kitchen drinking a strawberry milkshake with Andre next to her at the counter. I noticed she'd put new red highlights in her hair for the occasion. Jade made a face and leaned over to pick a string off of Andre's sweater before they both noticed me standing there.

I stared at her. I stared at Andre. I stared at the milkshake. They stared back at me (well, not the milkshake). Andre opened his mouth but before he could speak I hollered at him, 'You god darn flapjack!'

Andre put his own milkshake down (probably strawberry, but with him, who knows – maybe ketchup). 'Excuse me?'

I used some more colorful language which I'm not creative enough to make up words for now. I said, 'All this flapping time, Andre. All the time we studied together on the flapjacking play. And little did I know that you would be coming here tonight on a flapping date with Jade.'

Andre's mouth fell open and Jade groaned loudly. She put her head in her hands and said, 'Holy snakes and ladders, Beck, I'm not on a flapping date with Andre.'

Andre said, 'Both of y'all need to watch your mouths. Cat's little brother's around here somewhere.'

'Wait,' I said. 'Jade, you aren't on a date with Andre?'

Jade looked at me like I was insane. She said, 'Are you insane? Since when does sitting in the kitchen with someone make it a date?'

'Ah snakes and ladders,' I said. 'I'm sorry. I was jumping to conclusions.' Then I couldn't help from saying, 'So who's your date?'

Jade groaned again and muttered something that sounded like, 'Flapjacking Robbie.' She said, 'Beck, I don't have a date tonight. I told Robbie that so he'd hang out with you and wouldn't come here. I don't want his feelings to get hurt.'

I didn't get it. 'I don't get it,' I said.

Jade rolled her eyes at me and that made my whole stomach hurt, EE, because I just miss her rolling her eyes at me so much. She sighed and looked at Andre. He looked back at her, but I could tell he had no clue what was going on too. She said, 'I don't have a date, Beck.'

Oh. Thank God. Jade continued, 'Cat has a date. I didn't want Robbie to find out because it's my fault.'

I sat down at the counter with them and grabbed up Andre's milkshake (he made a rude gesture, which I ignored because he is a pen thief and has spilled ketchup on you not once but twice). 'Oh snakes and ladders,' I said. 'What do you mean, it's your fault?'

This wasn't at all how I'd wanted my big conversation with Jade to go, Emily. I've been so focused on feeling depressed about her and listening to Nickelback and thinking about getting her back that I hadn't given much thought to the CSLL. Honestly, I've sort of been hoping Robbie would forget about Cat since he's been acting more and more normal around JJ lately. But I realized that I totally pushed him to come tonight and just sent him off to find Cat. I was putting myself ahead of my friends as usual.

Jade sighed. She said, 'Cat's on a date with my cousin.'

I went through the list of Jade's family members and immediately knew which one she was talking about.

Bryce, junior, Northridge. Blue hair (I guess propensity for hair dye runs in the West family genes), bass player, soccer team star. Jade and I had gone to a concert with him once in our sophomore year. He'd probably gotten taller since then. Getting taller was a bad thing because he already had points over Robbie due to, well, everything I just listed.

I said, 'Oh flap. You mean Bryce?'

Jade nodded. She said, 'I took her to one of my uncle's stupid parties over the summer. They met there and she sort of liked him, but I thought there's no way he'd be into her. So I gave her his number in September and they've actually hung out like two or three times and she won't stop talking about him and he's here tonight.'

Again, I said, 'Flap.'

Jade said, 'I guess since your little goony butt is here that means Robbie's is around here somewhere too.'

'Flap.' Third time.

Andre also said, 'Flap,' and we both looked at him. He said, 'I was feeling left out. I can curse too.'

Jade rolled her eyes at him too and she looked sort of uncomfortable. She held her milkshake tightly and glared down at it. She said, 'Look Beck. Robbie is an annoying dweeb and I like to tease him a lot and he's not my friend. But he's actually not giving me the silent treatment like Tori is since you and I split. I know that he still likes Cat and I feel bad for him. I didn't want him to be here tonight and see her and Bryce sucking face.'

Andre said, 'Holy crap, Jade, was that just a feeling? Did you just have a feeling?'

'Flap off,' said Jade.

I wanted to say 'oh flap' again, but Robbie and Tori are right and I have been cursing too much lately so I just said, 'Oh crud. I didn't know any of that.'

Emily Elizabeth, Cat can do whatever she wants and it's no one's business but hers (and Jade's) but Robbie is my best friend and he has really low self-esteem already. I know that if he saw Cat hanging all over some guy with cool blue hair it would just crush him because he's liked her for so long. I said, 'I just told him to go and find Cat.'

Jade rolled her eyes and said, 'Oh snakes and ladders. Good going, Beck.'

I said, 'I need to find him right away and we need to go.'

'Sounds like a plan. I'll help,' Jade said, and she picked up her milkshake and stood up. I grabbed Andre's milkshake too (he made an angry sound and swiped at me) and we went off to find Robbie.

He wasn't in the living room or the dining room, and I drank the milkshake quickly in frustration (it was indeed strawberry). Jade and I passed by Tori, whose mouth dropped open when she saw us together, but she said she hadn't seen Robbie and said that Cat and Bryce had disappeared into the basement like a half hour ago.

Jade groaned and said, 'Oh gross.'

Jade went into the basement to check if Robbie was down there with them for some reason, and I don't think I can handle seeing Cat being manhandled by one of Jade's family members, so I went out to the backyard. Robbie was there sitting on the deck by himself and he didn't say anything when I came and sat down.

'Did you find Jade?' he asked and I knew right away that he'd seen Cat and Jade's cousin.

'Yeah,' I said. I didn't know what to say so I said lamely, 'She actually doesn't have a date.'

Robbie didn't say anything for a really long time. He just looked out into the backyard at Cat's swimming pool and tapped his hands on his knees. Finally he smiled and said, 'Cat does.' It wasn't a good smile, EE.

I said lamely, 'Yeah.' Then I said, 'I'm really sorry, man.'

Robbie said, 'It doesn't matter.'

'It matters if it hurts your feelings.'

Robbie didn't say anything again for a long time and he just tapped some more. I could tell he was really upset and I started feeling really scared that he'd cry or something. One time a couple years ago his dad forgot his little sister's birthday and he came over to my RV and cried and I didn't know what to do so I bought him a watermelon. He said, 'Look, Beck. I know that - ' then he stopped and was quiet again.

This is really long and my hand hurts but I just remember this moment so clearly and it makes me feel so bad for him. I don't usually remember things in such big detail so I need to get it down.

Finally Robbie said, 'I know that Cat doesn't like me. It's obvious. She'll never like me. I know that girls don't like me. I'm weird and I'm not cute.'

I felt so bad and I didn't know what to say so I just said, 'Robbie.'

'It's okay,' he said. 'I just, I'm really stupid. I know she doesn't like me and we don't even have things in common but I keep hanging around her all the time. It's like I can't stop. I know I look like a wazzhole doing it.' (He didn't say wazzhole. He said the bad word and I was really stunned because I've never heard Robbie curse before, aside from when he got himself caught in his pants zipper once in the school's bathroom.)

He said, 'It's just that she's been really cool about the photo project and she never really wants to talk about what happened at the Cow Wow last year. So I thought... She never mentioned some other guy though. I just though maybe she'd eventually see that I'm not so bad. I'm just really stupid, Beck.'

I heard the screen door open and when I turned to look, Jade was standing there and she came out and stood over me and Robbie but she didn't say anything. Robbie didn't even move or look up at her. Jade held my glance for a moment and then I turned back to Robbie.

I said, 'Rob, you aren't stupid and maybe Cat's sort of a jerk.' I paused and waited for Jade to kick me or hit me or something but she kept standing and being quiet. Robbie didn't say anything so I continued, 'Dude, you're my best friend. You're awesome. Cat doesn't even know what she's missing. I bet she – '

Robbie laughed and he stood up. 'Quit it, Beck,' he said. 'I don't feel awesome. I don't know. It doesn't matter, okay?'

I stood up too and I still didn't know what to say. I just felt really stupid and really bad and like this was all my fault even though I'm not Cat and I didn't kiss Jade's cousin.

Robbie said, 'I think I'm just going to go home. I mean I have to work in the morning anyway.'

'I'll come and hang out,' I said right away.

Robbie waved his hand at me and he wasn't looking at me and I was still really scared he would cry. 'No, it's okay,' he said. 'You should stay and hang out.'

'Okay,' I said. I really didn't want to let him go off alone but Robbie can be really stubborn and you can't force someone to hang out with you when they don't want to. 'If you're sure.'

'Yeah,' Robbie said. 'I'll talk to you at school or at BaT or something. I'll talk to you later.'

He started to walk off and he stopped at the door and turned around again. He was twisting and twisting the strings of his hoodie and I just wanted to run over and give him a huge hug for like five minutes even though I guess that's sort of gay. He said, 'I tried not to come tonight. Sorry, Jade.'

Jade was still standing next to me and she just said. 'Yeah.' Then she said, 'Sorry, Robbie.'

Robbie made a twisted up face that I guess he thought passed for a smile and he said, 'Yeah' too. Then he left and I was just left standing on the deck with Jade.

Emily. This is what I wanted – time alone with Jade without feeling rushed because we're about to go to class, or being surrounded by our friends saying stupid things and spilling drinks on each other. But I couldn't remember any of my speech and I wasn't even really thinking about getting her back right then. I was just feeling really bad for Robbie and sort of mad at Cat and just really surprised at Jade.

Finally Jade said, 'Well, flap. I thought he was going to burst into tears or something.'

Without even thinking about it I said, 'Don't make fun of him right now.'

Jade crossed her arms at me but she didn't look too pissed. She said, 'I'm not.'

'I know,' I said. My head was really spinning from all that had happened. First I was going to get Jade back tonight, then I thought she had a date, then it turns out she was just making up some insane story, and it's just, the weirdest part of it all was that it was to protect Robbie.

Altogether, Emily, Jade and I had been dating for almost three years. I thought I knew pretty much everything about her. I thought that she couldn't stand Robbie or any of my friends. I thought that, aside from me and Cat, she didn't care about anyone else's feelings. And probably she and Robbie really aren't even friends but she went out of her way to try and save him some trouble and that's just, wow.

Maybe I really don't know as much about Jade as I thought. Maybe I don't know anything. And if I've been with her for so long and I still don't know her, why the heck would she want me back?

Finally, I said, 'Jade, I wanted to talk to you tonight, but my brain is all messed up right now.' And Jade smiled. I thought about it, then decided it was safe to say: 'But it was really cool of you to try and help Robbie, even though it was in a really weird way.'

Jade made a face and looked uncomfortable because we were talking about feelings and I do know her a little bit and I know she hates that. She said, 'It's whatever.'

'Yeah,' I said. I'd been looking at my shoes, but then I looked up at her and really she just looked so pretty and her face wasn't even scowling and it just hurt to be around her. I could remember part of my Winning Her Back speech then but for some reason I didn't think it was the right time to use it. I said, 'Look, I think I'm going to head home too. I drank that milkshake really fast and that was a bad idea.'

Jade laughed a little bit and she said okay and whatever again. We went inside and Jade sat back down at the corner where Andre somehow still was looking depressed over his milkshake. I said, 'See you guys later.'

Andre made a big display of turning his head away from me and pointedly not saying goodbye. Jade said, 'Hey Beck. You cut your hair.'

'Yeah,' I said.

Jade said, 'It's pretty nice.'

'Thanks,' I said, and then I left.

Now I've been home for almost five hours already and I've texted Robbie a couple times even though he's probably already in bed so he hasn't responded. I just keep thinking about how he looked, all small, sitting by himself on the deck. I listened to two Nickelback albums and felt really mad at Cat for awhile for making him look like that, then I just felt sorry for myself because the night hadn't gone like I'd wanted it to at all. I just feel sort of bad and confused and even badder when I think about how good Jade looked and I can't stop thinking.

My hand might actually fall off and I have to pee and I'm tired now so I'm calling it a night. It took me over an hour to write all of this.

Maybe when I wake up in the morning (or more likely the afternoon) I won't feel so depressed about everything anymore.

**AN: So if you know me and you know my stories, then you probably understand I have a propensity to ramble and I guess not even this fic was safe! I told myself I had a formatting for this story; I wasn't going to let the chapters get any longer than 3,000 words but, well, I don't have class today and this entry obviously ran away from me. I wish I could have cut it down, but I don't see how I could have made it any shorter. And I do love me some depressed!Robbie. This is today's last update, I promise! I feel like if I've finished a chapter I might as well submit it instead of waiting for a certain amount of reviews.  
**

**I need to admit that even lovers drown wrote a lovely Bade fic awhile ago and in it she mentioned Jade finding Nickelback CDs at Beck's house and I loved that and thought it was hilarious so I unabashedly stole that from her. Think of it as homage. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Nov 16**

I don't think anyone'd ever expect me to say something like this, but sometimes I really wish I were more like Robbie.

I always tell him he's a pessimist and a huge downer and he needs to lift his spirits and he argues, no, I'm a realist and I don't need to lift anything. Sometimes I think he's right and I'm the one with the crazy unrealistic expectations.

On Monday I didn't even know if he'd show up to school and when he did I didn't want to leave him alone for a single second, like as if he was my big giant baby or something. Thankfully we didn't have Improv that morning so we didn't have to see Cat until probably lunch time.

Before sixth period I fixed Robbie's hair (I mean, sort of). I fixed the collar of his polo shirt. I patted him consolingly on the back. I said, 'Robbie, you are smart and fierce and any girl who doesn't see that is a huge bozo.'

Robbie said 'Oh Jesus you are a human self-help tape!'

I laughed. Robbie told me to seriously chill out and yes he knew it sucked but really what doesn't suck in his life anyway and it's fine and be cool Beck, okay?

'I'm always cool,' I said.

Robbie rolled his eyes and started off to the caf without me. He's a realist and he's also ungrateful, EE.

Anyway, Robbie smiled and sat next to Cat like nothing was wrong and he didn't scream intelligibly in her face or start weeping into his lunch tray, even though he should have because he was eating a salad. He smiled again and said 'Sure' when Cat asked if she could have his pudding cup (I would have withheld it, EE). If anyone but me noticed that he wasn't really talking to Cat directly otherwise they didn't say anything about it. Cat asked him if he wanted to come over that night to take more pictures of her. He just said, 'Sorry, I'm busy.' Then he continued talking to Tori about the video of her and Andre singing that she had posted on The Slap.

(Also, it should be noted that Jade as of yet has not uploaded her blackmail pictures of skinny freshman Robbie in his Spongebob swim trunks. I don't think she will.)

Anyway I'm writing this partly because I'm really proud of Robbie but also to demonstrate that I am like a huge pile of wreck and nothing like that. Jade hasn't been sitting with us at lunch anymore and even though I miss her I'm glad for it because I could never just smile and hand her my pudding cup like Robbie.

Even at lunch that day I was getting depressed because I could see Jade was sitting with a girl from her English class and not one or two but three boys. They were actually all talking and the boys weren't clutching their chairs in fear or anything!

I guess I just didn't think there would be any other boys at school willing to sit at the same lunch table as Jade. Not because she isn't super beautiful or because she's that horrible, but she is … you know, very scary, and anyone who tries usually leaves after two minutes because of the frozen stare she's got or something creepy she's done with her scissors. So I guess I've never felt like I had to worry about anything. Like I never really worried before about Jade liking some other guy because who else would want to go out with her?

Also, boys from English class? Jade is really smart and in AP everything so those guys must be really smart too which means they have something I don't have, which is brains. I was getting the weird insecure feeling again and felt myself falling into another deep PTJD depression. Those English class boys are probably reciting Shakespeare's 16th sonnet to her and all I do is vulnerably ask her to split a BLT with me. I skipped Modern Society and hung out under the bleachers again. If Robbie finds out he'll yell at me because he says colleges still look at your first semester grades for senior year and I need to care more.

Maybe I'm just really ignorant and terrible, EE. I have more things to write about but I don't feel like writing those things right now. It could cause me to slip into another PTJD episode and I really don't feel like laying on the floor again.

I haven't gotten the other Charlie book yet but also on Monday at BaT the girls were talking about Johnny Depp movies and Brendan overhead and said his favorite was What's Eating Gilbert Grape. JJ sighed and said Johnny's hair was beautiful in that movie and Brendan and I rolled our eyes (I really like JJ but sometimes she is just a huge girl you know). Trina agreed with her and then said, 'Beck when I said to stop moping I did not mean cut all your hair off. Where's the mystery now? Where's the mystique? (I had to look up how to spell that word) You look like Taylor Launter.'

I didn't know what to say because never has someone said such an awful thing to me, but JJ just laughed and said 'Shut up Trina! He looks good!'

Brendan said, 'That seems like the kind of guy you'd be into anyway.'

Trina sniffed and said, 'You don't know what kind of guys I'm into, Brendan' and then they looked at each other for a minute and it was weird and I'm only writing it because it's weird.

Anyway I haven't seen all of Gilbert so Brendan and JJ gave me a very emotional synopsis of it and Brendan said it's a book too and if I want I can borrow it. I didn't really want to say yes very much – you know me and books (but not you, EE) – but I didn't want everyone to realize I was so dumb so I said sure.

So he gave me the book yesterday and I said thanks even though I saw in much dismay that it was very long. But, you know, I really can't spend all the time laying on the RV's floor or under the bleachers or out on the lawn when I feel depressed about Jade because that won't help anything. So I've decided that whenever I start feeling the PTJD kicking in I'm just going to read a book. Maybe I'll get smarter and then Jade will actually have a reason to want me back.

That's what I'm gonna go do now. Sounds like a plan? Well, we'll see if this book is even any good.

**Nov 18**

Today at work I was hanging out with Robbie and JJ and the subject of Hollywood Arts auditions came up. Trying to remember how it did ... Oh, JJ had said she sort of remembers Tori from her freshman year at Central and Robbie and I told her about how she'd covered Trina's performance at the last minute and got invited in.

'Hey, how Trina even get in in the first place?' JJ asked. 'I mean I hear her singing along to the radio.'

'She's actually a really good dancer,' Robbie said. JJ nodded and we all took a moment to be contemplative over Trina actually having talent.

'So what did you do for your audition, Robbie?' JJ asked then. 'How did you get in?'

Robbie flushed a lot because JJ had directed a question at him. 'Um well,' he said. 'Um I'm actually a um ventriloquist. Um I have a dummy. Rex. Um I did an act with him. I guess they liked it for um some reason.'

JJ looked sort of intrigued! This girl, diary! 'Wow,' she said. 'So you can throw your voice and cool stuff? Do you have a different voice you use for your ventriloquism?'

Robbie stammered some more. 'Um yes I do,' he said. 'And um yes I can.'

'Robbie's great at doing voices,' I put in because I knew he wouldn't say anything else. 'Maybe if you're lucky he'll do the Joker for you.' After a second I added, 'Heath Ledger, but a passable Jack Nicholson too.'

JJ looked impressed! She said, 'Wow, Robbie, so you're like a voice actor, almost!'

'Um I guess so,' said Robbie.

JJ looked more impressed ! ! ! ! She said, 'Cool! Do you write skits and stuff?'

'Um sometimes,' said Robbie. At this point he was redder than the reddest tomato on a planet where all the tomatoes were really, really red. He's not used to getting positive attention. I beamed down at the display of John Green novels that I was setting up by the window.

'He's more of an impromptu guy,' I said. 'Really funny. Quick thinker, Robbie Shapiro.'

JJ said, 'So you're a comedian and a voice actor. Wow. That's so cool, Robbie.'

So cool Robbie ! ! ! ! !

Robbie flushed some more and smiled down at the cash register. 'Um thanks,' he said.

'I want to see you do an act with Rex,' JJ said. 'You'll have to make a video or bring him in one night.'

'Ummm maybe,' said Robbie. I forgot to write this, but I had actually sat him down a few weeks ago and told him that while he was really talented it might not be such a bad idea to not lug Rex everywhere with him night and day (I was getting sort of worried he'd start taking him to BaT and scare away customers). He'd actually gotten it more than I expected him to. He'd said, 'I know. It just makes me less nervous when I've got him to hide behind.'

Now he said, 'Beck, tell her what you did for your audition.'

I stopped smiling at John Green. 'No,' I said.

JJ pouted. She said, 'Why not?!'

'Because it's stupid and embarrassing,' I said.

JJ huffed at me and stamped her foot. She said, 'Oh, come on! It can't be bad! It got you into Hollywood Arts, didn't it?'

Emily Elizabeth, there's only a few people who really know what I did for my audition to Hollywood Arts the summer before my freshman year. Most people think I did some great acting scene and wowed everyone, or, I don't know, modeled a headband and they just let me in.

'No,' I said again. I gave Robbie a death glare.

JJ pouted some more and made her eyes get huge and watery. Her eyes are really big already and I'm weak so I relented. 'Fine,' I said.

Are you ready for my big secret, Emily? Hold onto your pages!

I sighed.

I gave Robbie another glare.

JJ waited.

I sighed again.

I said, 'I played the cello.'

JJ screamed! She cried, 'Oh my God, you play the cello, Beck?'

I dove across the John Green display to cover her mouth. 'Not so loud, woman!'

JJ struggled away, laughing, and she knocked into Robbie who was still pretty red. She said, 'Beck! That's not embarrassing!'

'Yes it is,' I said.

JJ ignored me and looked dreamy. 'Wow!' she said. 'A classical instrument! And it's so big! Do you stand up to play it? You must be so talented! Beck, that's so cool!'

'You think it's cool?' I said. I frowned. 'I mean, my girlfriend – ' then I had to pause and feel hurt for a second because it's _ex_ Beck she's your _ex_ girlfriend – 'I mean, Jade always made fun of me for it.'

JJ rolled her eyes at me. 'Haven't we established already that Jade is a huge bozo?' she said. 'Why would you make fun of anyone for being able to play an instrument? I can't even play 'Hot Cross Buns' on my recorder from the fourth grade!'

That made me feel pretty good. 'Thanks, JJ,' I said.

**Nov 19**

Over the weekend I was talking to my friend Moose who is from Canada. We lived there until I was nine and we still go there sometimes to see Dad's family. I haven't talked to Moose in a few weeks and the last time I saw him was last year when he came to visit me for a week.

We talked about hockey for a while and caught up on things. I told him about breaking up with Jade again, but I downplayed the PTJD thing a lot.

Moose said, 'Well maybe it's for the best eh. She seemed sort of crazy to me.'

That annoyed me but I didn't say that. I just said, 'She isn't crazy.'

Moose said, 'I felt really uncomfortable when you guys were back together since I felt really bad about kissing her and everything.'

I hollered, 'WHAT?'

Moose yelped and jumped back and accidentally disconnected us from Yipe for a minute. When the screen came back on he looked scared and said, 'I thought you knew about that!'

I hollered, 'No I didn't know about it! Why would I know about it!'

Moose said, 'Don't you guys talk about these things? I thought she would have told you. I was waiting for you to say something.'

She didn't tell me about it, EE! 'She didn't tell me about it!'

Moose said, 'She's very forceful. I felt used. Afterwards she bought me a cheeseburger though.'

I fell into the deepest PTJD depression then because Jade used to buy me cheeseburgers.

Moose looked scared and upset some more and said 'But it didn't mean anything, right? I mean she got back together with you a month later. It's not a big deal.'

'Yeah you're right,' I said, still depressed. Moose quickly changed the subject back to hockey and told me about all the snow days they've gotten up there but I was only half listening anymore.

Today at school I watched Jade all day and felt more and more depressed and confused. Like I said before, I never thought of other guys liking Jade. I don't think that Moose really had a crush on her or anything – he said she's pretty but scary – and I never thought about Jade liking other guys, either, even though she said the whole 'see other people' thing. I just thought she didn't want to be with me anymore. That's different than actually liking someone else.

I also felt depressed because it was just more things I didn't know about Jade. Before lunch I saw her with one of the boys from her smarty pants English class. He held her books for her and said something and she laughed and did not punch him in the stomach and they went off somewhere, not to the caf. I skipped Trig and also Modern Society again and laid under the bleachers once again. I could feel the PTJD very strongly and I furiously read Gilbert Grape.

Robbie came and found me about a half hour before the last bell rang. I don't even know how he knew I was there but I heard his voice from across the gym saying 'Beck, you need to stop doing this.'

'Leave me alone!' I said, in the great throes of PTJD.

Robbie came up to the bleachers and he said, 'You shouldn't be in here. They stopped renovating months ago and there is dust and probably dead rats under here.'

'I don't care,' I said. I like the way the light filters in through the cracks of the bleachers.

Robbie made one of his irritated little yelps and started climbing through into the bleachers. He sneezed and said, 'Oh god, the asbestos!' which made me laugh. Robbie said, 'This isn't funny. What are you doing out here?'

'I'm reading,' I said sternly, and put Gilbert Grape over my face so I didn't have to see him staring down at me all hunched over.

Robbie said, 'Beck. Seriously. You can't keep skipping class. You're letting Jade rule your life and you aren't even together anymore.'

I said, 'Jade doesn't even care about how I feel. I saw her leaving campus all giggly with Mr John Steinbeck.'

'Who?'

I put Gilbert more securely on my face and said, 'I don't know his name! Mr Smarty Pants English guy!'

'Oh,' said Robbie. He said, 'So what if she hangs out with some other guy? It's not like you didn't see other girls when you guys broke up last year.'

'I did not see other girls,' I snapped.

'Yeah you did,' said Robbie.

'I did not!'

Robbie made another noise and then listed in great detail all the girls I had hung out with last year right up to Meredith.

'Those weren't really dates,' I said. Aside from technically Meredith I guess, but we all know how well that turned out.

Robbie said, 'Well did Jade know that?'

'I don't know,' I said. Really, I don't know. We never really talked about it. I said that to Robbie.

He said, 'Well you don't know if Jade is even going to date John Steinbeck. Even if she is, I get that you're upset, but you can't be too mad at her. You can't just do things but then get mad at her when she does the same thing.'

He was sort of right and it sucks when Robbie's right.

The first time that Jade and I broke up (okay, technically we'd broke up before that too, but it was only because she'd gotten mad and jealous and it only lasted four days) we never really talked about anything. She still hung out with all of us because she's friends with Cat and Andre and even if she doesn't want to admit it Robbie too, and it was weird but just sort of the same when we were all together. I never really went out of my way to avoid her like she's sort of been doing to me, and I guess I never did think about how she'd feel when I texted my other friends who were girls or got complimented or talked with Robbie and Andre about hanging out with them. Even when Tori and I had hung out a few times last year Tori had been the one all worried and obsessed with Jade finding out and not me.

I thought again about seeing Jade with John Steinbeck and how I'd thought I definitely couldn't act like Robbie with Cat and the pudding cup like nothing was wrong, but she'd totally done that for six whole months last year. I guess I thought she just didn't care or more than likely I didn't think about it at all but maybe she did care and maybe she was hurt by it. I can't tell, because we just don't really reference the times we've broken up. Anyway that just made me more depressed because maybe I was a really crap boyfriend.

I asked Robbie how he'd gotten so smart.

Robbie laughed nervously because he doesn't know how to take compliments and then he grabbed my shoulders and drug me out of the bleachers (I struggled, but the gym floor is really smooth so I just sort of slid helplessly anyway). He said, 'Go to class,' so I did.


	12. Chapter 12

**November 22**

Today was Thanksgiving but Mr Tenerio is Columbian and says his country doesn't really have that holiday so BaT was still open and I had to work. BaT is a chain bookstore but Brendan told me that our store is independently owned by Mr Tenerio. I don't really know what that means but I think it means he can basically make his own rules.

Dad and I stopped being mad at each other a couple weeks ago (we didn't talk about the Pot Roast incident or anything, it just sort of went away) but we don't really celebrate it either because everyone knows Canadian Thanksgiving is the real Thanksgiving. I'm not one to pass up turkey though so later I went and ate at Robbie's house (that was a disappointment but I'll get to that later).

Brendan was working that day too, but I guess he was in the back room doing inventory when I came in at noon. JJ was there and she was sitting on the desk by the cash register looking at a magazine with a taller girl and when the girl turned I saw that it was Meredith.

I felt really awkward even though I'd been warned that Meredith comes in sometimes. The more I think about it the crappier and crappier I feel about how I treated her the one time we went out together. She's a really nice girl and who am I to say anyone's boring anyway?

I just stood there looking awkward while the girls stared at me at me for a minute. Then Meredith just smiled and said, 'Hey Beck!'

I said, 'Um hey' and felt like Robbie (it doesn't feel too good to feel like Robbie).

JJ said, 'Hey, so you guys do know each other!'

(I was thankful that that probably meant Meredith hadn't told JJ what a jerk I was. That probably meant she hadn't told Brendan either.)

'Yeah,' I said, and Meredith said, 'We did a play together freshman year, right Beck?' all chipper. I wondered if she secretly hated me and was just using the chipperness to cover up her extreme rage.

'Yeah,' I said again.

JJ got a customer and Meredith wandered away from the desk. I smiled at her and then went to the back to clock in. I asked JJ if she wanted me to hop on register so she could take her break and she said sure. She took her bookbag and the book she was reading and wandered off to the back. Meredith was still lurking and I always feel compelled to talk to people when they're there so I asked her, 'What're you doing here?' I thought that sounded rude so I quickly added something like, 'I mean not that you are not allowed to be here. Just that it's Thanksgiving and if it was me and I wasn't working I'd still be in bed.'

Meredith smiled some more – I wonder if she is ever not smiling! She said, 'Oh I don't have anything else to do and my parents told me to make sure Brendan actually comes home to eat this year so I'm just hanging around here until he's finished at two.'

I said, 'Oh.' I felt sort of weird, but it was probably just part of the general weirdness I felt about being around Meredith.

I don't think I'd want to hang out at a bookstore on my day off from school (I mean I probably would now but that's because Robbie'd probably be working or JJ or Brendan or something). I knew Cat and Jade had had a sleepover and Andre was seeing a basketball game. Tori told me she was hanging out with some girls from our Improv class. Well, maybe she just really likes books like Robbie and JJ do.

Meredith came over to the register and we exchanged boring chatter about school and the usual 'how have you been's and stuff. She said, 'I heard through the grapevine about you and Jade breaking up. Sorry for that. Are you all right?'

'Yeah,' I said slowly. 'Um, about that, actually. I'm really sorry for how I treated you last year.'

Meredith frowned and said, 'How did you treat me?'

I wondered if this was a trap and if I should even say anything more. I just said, 'You know, the whole thing with how we went to the Full Moon together. I was pretty rude to you the whole night.'

Especially the part where we were sitting together and then I said, 'Okay, I'm going to go over there,' and then I went to get punch and winded up going onstage and kissing Jade, but I mean, she probably remembers that part. I remember Andre gave me a lot of flack for it and he'd said, 'Geez man, you were on a date. You couldn't wait four minutes for Jade to get off the stage?'

Meredith just said, 'Don't worry, I didn't think you were rude.'

I stared at her because I couldn't believe her. I was sure it would be a trap but I couldn't help saying, 'We were on a date. Then I kissed Jade and totally ditched you to go and hang out with her.'

Meredith said, 'It's okay. I caught a ride home with Burf's parents.'

Oh my God EE. I have never ever thought about the fact that I picked her up for the Full Moon and must have totally stranded her there when I left with Jade. I was just so happy to be back with Jade again, I wasn't even thinking. I'm an even worse person that I thought.

I said, 'I am really sorry.'

'It's okay,' Meredith said again. 'I mean I wasn't mad. I really liked you for a while but I was happy for you that you got back with Jade. I know you really loved her and all.'

'Yeah,' I said, because I did. I mean do. 'Just, I'm really sorry. I can't believe I haven't talked to you since then.'

'Don't worry about it,' said Meredith. 'My parents say I don't have time for a boyfriend anyway. I was a little sad that night so when I went home I just baked a lot of cupcakes.'

I still felt really bad and I didn't know what to say so I just said, 'What kind of cupcakes?'

Meredith looked like she was thinking very hard to remember what kind they were. 'Well first I made red velvet,' she said.

'Very nice,' I said.

'Then I made chocolate crème filled but they didn't turn out very well so I gave them all to Brendan.'

I didn't eat breakfast this morning and we were talking about food so my stomach grumbled loudly and that made us laugh. Then somehow we started talking about food and different desserts we've tried and JJ came out and joined us and said that the new bakery down the street had finally opened up but it was closed today because of the holiday. We all sighed a lot while thinking about the bakery.

JJ said next week we'll try and bribe Jose – I mean Mr Tenerio. I feel weird calling him by his first name even though everyone does except me and Robbie – to go there next week instead of to Dippin Donuts and I hope he does.

Anyway we ended up all talking together for almost two hours and I'm not sure why Meredith annoyed me so much on our failed date. She's still just a really nice girl. I learned she's attended five cooking classes since freshman year and she has a cat named Beemo. A little before two Brendan finally appeared from the back and he sighed when he saw Meredith and said, 'Oh crap, you're still here.'

Meredith just beamed at him. She said, 'Brendan, I made three different pies last night and I promise Dad will be nice to you. Stop dragging your feet and let's go.'

Brendan sighed more and put his jacket on real slowly. He asked me if I started reading Gilbert and how do I like it?

'It's good,' I said. It actually is good, EE. It's not very much like the movie (well, what I've seen) at all. I thought since it was technically an adult book it would be really tedious and have a ton of big words like all the ones they make you study in school but so far it's been easy to follow. However it is pretty sad and I'm worried that I may end up laying on the RV's floor again.

After they left it was just me and JJ and by this time the store was completely dead so we just hung out and talked about nothing and laughed. Mr Tenerio came in at four-thirty and he said he'd watch the register and let us leave early. He even told us not to clock out and he'd fix the clock so it said we left at our regular time. Awesome and more awesome.

Oh yeah, dinner at Robbie's house sucked because his family is Polish so they eat a lot of weird foods and I hadn't known that before (I mean the weird food parts. I knew he was Polish). There was turkey but there was also this really gross sausage and sauce and they didn't have any mashed potatoes! Just potato salad and egg salad and this weird cake thing that wasn't very sweet. But Robbie's mom cooked all day so I forced it all down and smiled a lot and said, 'Mmmm' and Robbie laughed at me because he knew I hated it.

Now I'm in the RV eating a chicken sandwich from Inside Out Burger. I was thinking this weekend maybe I'd get my cello from the house and move it in here.


	13. Chapter 13

**November 25**

Worked with Serena tonight. I was reading through this journal and I realize I never really write about when I work with her, but it's mostly because she's really smart and even weirder than she is smart. And I mean, we talk and stuff but I never really have anything important to say to her I guess.

She's so hot, though, diary.

Usually when I start noticing her hotness I automatically feel really guilty because Jade had me trained to not even look at other girls for so long, so I think that adds to the not-really-talking much thing. Mostly when we work together she tells me about whatever strange book she's reading (let it be noted that I do not ask about the books) and I make noises like I understand what she's talking about and say 'huh' a lot.

Anyway tonight she took off her boots to show me her new tattoo – she's so hot – and it was a little red sparrow on her foot and she said it was for her grandmother. She told me that in the bible the sparrow is used as a symbol for loneliness and in other religions it is also a harbinger of death. I'm not sure what religions those are because Mom is Buddhist and Dad is nothing. I asked her why it was for her grandmother and she just said, 'She's dead.'

If it was Robbie or someone else I would have said, 'Probably means she's pretty lonely' but I didn't know how Serena would take that so I just said, 'Huh.'

She showed me her other tattoo which goes around her whole waist. It must have taken forever to do. It was a big thick dark chain and she pulled her skirt up on one side to show me the dangling heart locket that went down her left leg. I felt really uncomfortable seeing so much of a girl's leg who isn't Jade. Anyway, she told me that she designed it herself and it symbolizes that people can have her body but her heart is locked up. I asked her where the key was and she said, 'I haven't gotten it yet.'

'Huh,' I said. I thought about it. I asked why the heart was locked. She looked and me and said, 'Who would want it?'

She's so weird. Maybe even weirder than Jade. I guess I have a type or something.

**November 28**

It's getting into the holiday rush now and wow, I never realized just how many people buy books every day. Mr Tenerio has been scheduling a lot of us now because we're busy and need to restock constantly but usually by 8 the place is emptying out.

I was there with Robbie, Brendon, Serena, and JJ tonight and it was dead and we were all just cleaning the store and really bored. We started playing Truth or Truth (not the dare part because that could get out of hand and we didn't want to ruin the bookstore) and one of us asked a general truth about who we think is the hottest person who works here.

Brendan said, 'Probably Trina but I'll never say it to her face.' He said, 'What about you, Taylor?'

(Trina has kept calling me Taylor Launter because she thinks she's hilarious and sometimes Brendan and Serena call me that too. JJ doesn't because she isn't a jerk and Robbie tried to once and I glared at him and said, 'You know, Jade isn't the only one who has copies of your swimsuit pictures.')

I think the hottest one is Serena but I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to hurt JJ's feelings by accident. I said, 'Ah, I dunno.' To get the attention off of me I said, 'Who's your girl, Robbie?'

Robbie turned his usual red color and looked down at the books he was holding with a lot of interest. He muttered, 'I don't know,' even though I know it's JJ because he's scared of Serena and Trina's Trina.

'JJ?' Brendan asked.

JJ also looked like the books she was holding were very interesting. 'I don't want to say,' she said.

'Clearly it's me and you feel threatened by Trina,' Brendan said, sort of nicely saving her, and we all laughed. He said, 'You guys are no fun.'

Serena was sitting on the returns desk with her sneakers off reading a book about ancient aliens and she said, 'I think Taylor's the hottest.'

Robbie gave me the speculative eyebrow and JJ said, 'Woo woo!'

Serena scoffed and did her not-smiling thing and said, 'Shut up, J. Beck's a robot anyway.'

That sort of hurt my feelings a lot and I said, 'I am not.'

'Sure are,' said Serena. I don't think she was even trying to be mean, that's just how she talks about everyone. She said some of her usual weird stuff about how she can see everyone else's aura clear as day but mine is still unreadable to her.

I remembered what she said about her tattoo the other night and I said, 'Maybe I just keep it locked from you.'

Serena did her not-smiling thing at me and said, 'As if!'

JJ said, "Seri you're being so rude again.'

Serena looked surprised which is why I wasn't really mad at her. She said, 'Also he never says anything about anything.'

'I say things about things all the time!' I said.

'Yeah he does,' JJ said. 'And he's always writing in his journal (I'm glad she called you that, EE, and not a diary like Robbie and Tori do). I bet he has lots of things to say.'

'Yeah, probably robot coding,' said Serena.

I am not a robot, EE. I'm not smart enough to be a robot. Then I started thinking maybe I'm like Bender from Futurama which made me start thinking about Futurama so I got pretty quiet for a long time thinking about that.

When we all left for the night JJ gave me a hug and she said, 'You totally aren't a robot, Beck.'

'Thanks,' I said.

'Don't even worry about Seri. You know she's totally wacko anyway.'

I realized JJ probably thought I was depressed because of what Serena had said. I mean, I was a little, but not too bad. Girls always want to think everyone is super sensitive! I said, 'Oh, I'm not upset. I was watching Futurama in my head.'

JJ laughed at me. Robbie was standing awkwardly by the door so she gave him a hug too, saying she couldn't let him feel left out but I think just because she wanted to.

Interesting.

**Dec 1**

Today Dad knocked on the RV door (it's Saturday and I've been inside all day trying to work on my Trig homework because I don't want to fail the class) and said, 'Beck, your mother's calling me again. She said she called you twice and she wants to talk to you.'

'Okay,' I said. It's not that I didn't want to talk to Mom or anything, just have been pretty busy lately. Also I noted again that Dad said 'your mother' which used to annoy me sometimes. He never calls her her name which is 'Sue' or says 'my wife.' Which I guess she isn't anymore but would it kill him to call her by her name?

So I finished my Trig homework and then I sat on my bed and called Mom. After she answered I just felt really happy to talk to her and we talked for a long time. I told her about the bookstore and the new people I've met and the school play and I told her I was thinking of starting to use the cello again.

Mom said, 'That's so wonderful, baby! You always played so well. You haven't played in ages, have you?'

'No,' I said. I was probably smiling all stupidly because only Mom and Jade ever call me 'baby' and it's dorky and embarrassing when Mom does it but it's okay because I miss her and it's only in the RV.

I told her about Jade breaking up with me again. I could tell that Mom was sad for me so I quickly told her about how Robbie and Andre say I have PTJD and then I couldn't help but tell Mom about seeing Jade with John Steinbeck and how Robbie had dragged me out from the bleachers and I went to class with dust in my hair.

Mom laughed. She didn't even say anything about me skipping class, so she probably still felt bad for me.

I guess I had a lot to say. We talked for over an hour and it made me feel really good to tell her these stupid things because she's my mom. Anyway, Mom said that she misses me too much and she wants to know if I want to come up for a few days and spend Christmas with her.

I thought about it for a minute. I mean I do miss Mom and want to see her but I feel weird around her husband and there's nothing to do in Seattle because it rains all the time. So I said, 'Only if Robbie can come with me.' I know he would because his mom doesn't care and they don't actually celebrate Christmas even though Robbie dressed as Santa last year. (Mom isn't a real serious Buddhist but I think she only ever really has Christmas for me anyway).

Mom said okay right away because she thinks Robbie is sweet and a good influence on me.

I feel pretty happy right now and I'm gonna go call Robbie and ask him if he wants to go to Seattle with me.


	14. Chapter 14

**Dec 4**

Last night at work it was just me, Brendan, and Serena (Brendan acts as store manager whenever Mr Tenerio is off or doesn't feel like coming in) because Trina has the flu. Serena read my palm and said that I have a long lifeline and she said that I have two bumps and one circle on my loveline. I asked what that meant and she said I'll have two serious relationships and then get married for forever.

'For serious?' I said.

'Guess we'll have to wait and see,' she said, and cracked her gum loudly. I looked at my other palm and asked her why the loveline on my left hand was all short and broken-looking. She said again, 'Guess we'll have to wait and see.'

She might have been flirting with me but I really have no clue about anything she does and anyway she says I'm a robot so it probably doesn't matter.

Brendan was going through our payroll books but really finishing up an essay for his Microengineering class (Emily, I don't even know what that is). He was sighing a lot and he told me he really hates Microengineering. I asked him why he was taking it then and he said, 'Dad pays the tuition, Dad picks the major, Dad rules my life.'

That's depressing. JJ told me that Meredith's parents are really controlling a couple weeks ago, but Brendan doesn't seem like the sort of guy who'd let himself be controlled.

Anyway, Brendan had some band playing on the speakers that I really liked.

They were sort of soft-sounding and jangly, not really my type of thing but it was sort of cool anyway. The singer had a really weird voice which made me pay attention and listen to what he was saying. One of the lyrics that I remember said 'People say that your dreams are the only thing that save you' which I just liked a lot.

Then there was an even janglier song (sorry, EE – more jangly, I know, but janglier is cooler to say outloud. Not that I just did that, twice) that came on and it was singing something about disco lights and fighting with your dad and someone named Laika. I wonder if that's a real person and who he is.

I told Brendan I really liked the music and he looked happy and said, 'Yeah? The Arcade Fire. I don't really care about some of their other stuff but this album is sweet.'

He told me he'd make a copy of it for me later in the week and then he said, 'This is totally an album I could die to,' which I thought was weird but I just said, 'Yeah.'

Need more potato chips if I'm going to finish these problems for Trig. I never though I could be so hurt by triangles.

**Dec 5**

I got my second paper back in Modern Society and this time I had made Robbie proofread it and I got an A on it! As you can tell by the exclamation point this made me feel really good because I've never gotten an A on a paper for English before. Pretty Teacher stopped me after class to say 'Good job' and she didn't even mention me skipping her class last week. She asked if I was keeping up with my journal and I said, 'Actually, yeah.'

Ever since I saw Meredith at Books-a-Trillion it seems like I'm seeing her everywhere at school now or maybe I'm just noticing her more for some reason. I said hey to her a couple times and we talked at my locker for a few minutes one day. She's actually sort of funny sometimes - she makes a lot of bad puns that I feel a person like Tori could appreciate. I told her if she's ever feeling daring she should sit with me and Robbie at lunch sometime.

She asked, 'Do you want me to sit with you at lunch?' and I thought, here we go again, but I still felt sort of guilty so I just said, 'Yes I do, Meredith' in a very nice tone. She smiled really big at me which made me feel nice.

So today was Wednesday and she came over and sat with us. I felt surprised but I guess I shouldn't have. Tori acted like her usual Tori Self and said, 'Oh, hey, Meredith!' in a very loud and encouraging Tori Voice and waggled her eyebrows at me all Tori Crazy. Sigh.

Meredith brought a tray of brownies for some reason (I wonder if she had been planning on sitting with us and baked them special for the occasion. I'm not sure how to feel about that if she did), which means that everyone at the table immediately loved her and ate two or three, aside from Robbie who just looked depressed over gluten as usual.

Wasn't much different at the lunch table with Meredith aside from the addition of the brownies. She was pretty quiet and she had about fifty-seven textbooks with her and was writing two essays and simultaneously doing her math homework. I guess she studies a lot. She told me that she will help me in Trig which is cool.

Cat was sitting pretty uncomfortably close to Robbie for some reason and she asked him again if he wanted to hang out sometime soon. He just hunched his shoulders and said, 'I have to work a lot this week Cat.'

I think he is starting to get over her, which is good, but he probably still just feels bad about the whole thing. Also, he told me he was talking to Jade in their film class and she said that Cat doesn't even like Bryce anymore! I'm glad he's not giving in and going back to mooning over her, though. I don't know what she's doing, but it makes me feel sort of irritated at her and today I didn't eat the popcorn she gave me like I usually do.

By the way, Robbie is up to going to Seattle on the 22nd! Sweet and sweeter.

**Dec 8**

So Robbie and I have been hanging out together a lot more since Jade dumped me. I guess that's pretty obvious because I'm writing about him a lot more in here though. Anyway we decided we need to stick together because we are loners and because girls don't love us. We're a two-man wolf pack. Alpha and omega, I said, and Robbie just looked at me because he assumed correctly that he is the omega.

Anyway, tonight at work we were discussing what we should do after our shift was over (it's Saturday) and we couldn't decide on anything. Robbie said, 'We can go to the comic book store and I'll buy you the new Hellboy.'

I really wanted the new Hellboy but I said, 'Nah, it's too far away and they close at ten, we probably won't make it.'

Robbie thought and said, 'We can get ice cream and go and sit by the piers.'

I said, 'Robbie. You know you can't eat ice cream.'

Robbie pouted. He said, 'You never take me anyplace nice.'

'I'm just looking out for you, buddy,' I said.

'I can take care of myself!'

JJ was walking by with a bunch of books and she laughed and said, 'You guys sound like an old married couple,' but not in a really mean way like Trina would say it. Robbie turned pink anyhow.

Near the end of the night she came back up to us and said, 'So did you guys figure out what you were doing later?'

'Nope,' we said. We're really pretty boring I guess.

JJ said, 'Well Serena and I always go to the Regal over by Northridge on the weekends. The movies are only five bucks and then we sneak into another one afterwards. You guys should come with us. I mean if you want.'

That was a lot of words and I looked at Robbie and he looked like he really wanted to go so I said, 'Hey, sure!' Then I thought about it and two guys and two girls is still way too date-like for me at this point, I think. I didn't want to feel weird all night or have a PTJD episode and get us kicked out of the theater so I said, 'Do you mind if I ask Tori if she wants to go?'

I haven't been hanging out with Tori much at all and I feel bad about it because she's a good friend and probably still depressed about her mom and dad.

Anyway, JJ said sure. She said that Serena was picking her up after work and we could all just meet there after we went and got Tori.

When I asked Tori if she wanted to go she asked if she should put pants on. At first I was really alarmed but she was wearing sweatpants I guess. I said, 'That's really up to you' and she decided she would try and look nice because she isn't sure how hot Serena is and didn't want to look like a slob. (I will never understand girls.) She says she sort of remembers JJ but she was a year below her and all.

We helped Mr Tenerio close down the store and I was very happy because he gave me the rest of the donuts from the new bakery to take home (two cream-filled, a jelly, and a chocolate one). Robbie and I said see you to JJ and Serena and went to get Tori. Then on the way to the movie theater Robbie pretended to not be super nervous as Tori bounced around my front seat asking the usual Tori Questions.

We watched Splatterhouse and then snuck into Boogie Bear 4 because it was the only thing playing after. Tori and JJ hugged when they saw each other because I guess that's what girls do, and they were deep in discussion about something during Boogie Bear. I couldn't hear what they were saying because I was sitting between Robbie and Serena who kept cracking her gum loudly. Robbie bought Now and Laters to share with JJ even though he really isn't supposed to eat those because of the artifical colorings.

Anyway I guess all of this was just to say that I had a good time. It was nice to hang out with Tori and I'm glad that she gets along with JJ and Serena because they're sort of my friends now too. I was only a little bit sad during Splatterhouse because I knew Jade would have loved it and she would have loved it even more when Robbie yelped out loudly in fear twice.

Robbie just called me and said in a pained voice, 'Beck, I greatly regret the Now and Laters.'

**Dec 10**

Whenever I think things are going good something stupid happens and gets me all depressed and worked up again. I don't know why I get so upset about things or if I'm being rational or not. Sometimes I just feel like a big giant girl and that's probably sexist or misogynist to say but it's how I feel.

Today we had play practice again and when it was over Sikowitz pulled me aside and said he needed to talk to me. I knew he was probably going to complain about the vulnerability thing again and I felt sort of irritated and on guard right away.

He said, 'Beck, Giuseppe (that's my character) is a waif-like and whimsical man. You're playing yourself too hardened. You need to apply more of yourself to the character. Get into his head. Get into the role. Have you been running your lines outside of class?'

I said, 'Yeah I have' even though that's sort of a lie. I'm pretty good at memorizing lines so I never need to practice much.

Sikowitz sighed and said, 'You have the starring role and you aren't playing it with enough heart. I don't think you see where he's coming from. I don't feel your dedication.'

'I am dedicated to Giuseppe,' I said. I said, 'I don't get why you are on my back all the time, Sikowitz. You never had a problem with my acting before.'

Sikowitz sighed again and he rubbed at his bald spot which is what he does when we're frustrating him (he does it a lot). He said, 'You were younger then.'

I just don't get him at all. I said, 'Okay, so you wait until senior year to tell me that I'm terrible at acting so I have like no time to improve myself for college?'

'I never said that you were terrible,' Sikowitz said. 'I don't coddle my students like that. But I have wondered in the past where your true passion lies.'

'I like acting.'

'You like acting,' Sikowitz repeated. 'Yes, you like acting. I don't know if you love it. You have given some great performances during our time together but a truly wonderful actor embraces every character and does not hold himself back.'

'I'm not holding myself back,' I said.

Sikowitz said, 'Yes you are.'

'No I'm not.'

Sikowitz said, 'Yes you are.'

I started to say No I'm not again but I realized that with Sikowitz, something like that could go on forever so I said, 'Look, I guess it's just hard for me to be vulnerable okay?'

Sikowitz said, 'That shouldn't matter. You should be able to pretend. It's acting, Beck.'

I just felt really attacked even though he wasn't being mean or anything and I said, 'Well I can't.'

Sikowitz rubbed the bald spot more and more. He sighed and said, 'Beck, Beck, Beck.'

I felt even more attacked because it's never a good thing when he says my name three times. I snapped, 'Look, just replace me if you think I'm so bad. Sinjin knows all of my lines anyway. I don't even care.'

For some reason I thought he'd say no and insist I keep my part and tell me to try harder some more but he just said, 'If you think that's best.'

'Whatever,' I said, pulling a good old phrase out from the Book of Jade. Then I said, 'By the way, I think your play is convoluted and stupid and so dramatic that it borders on campy.'

Sikowitz's mouth dropped open and then I picked my bookbag off the floor and left quickly before he could pelt me with coconuts or something.

Now I'm home and sulking in the RV and thank god I don't work tonight because Trina's always there on Thursdays and I absolutely could not deal with that well.

I've actually had two small roles in these low-budget indie films and sometimes I felt like I could really go somewhere with it, and it's just that if I'm not good at acting then I really have nothing, EE. What if Sikowitz is right and I don't have the drive or the passion? He didn't even say it in those exact terms but I know that's what he meant.

Robbie gets depressed all the time because he says he's a loser but he can read really fast and he has the comedy and the ventriloquism and he can play guitar pretty well (I can only play like three bar chords and forget about singing).

All I have aside from acting now that I cut most of my hair off is the cello and who cares about the cello? I haven't even played it in over a year and it is probably ruined and dusty.

**AN: Hey guys. Sorry for continuously referencing music that no one cares about - wish I was creative enough to reference fake music for the show - but this will actually sort of come into play later because I am a bad person.**

**The fic is going to span the whole school year so it's at the halfway point now and don't worry about the Bade. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing, and enjoy! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Dec 14**

Christmas is getting even closer still and everyone at school is being super annoying and wearing red and green and singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer a capella and I'm just annoyed all of the time for no reason (but maybe because of the Rudolph).

Mostly, though, it's because of the whole play thing with Sikowitz, but I am not really talking about that, so it's for no reason, okay, Emily? Robbie and Tori and Andre asked me why I gave up my part to Sinjin and I just said, 'I don't have the time.'

I stayed late after school in the library because Meredith was helping me with my Trig homework today. She was actually really helpful and somehow explained the law of tangents to me in a way that our teacher totally couldn't do. It's not like a bright light appeared over my head and harp music started playing and I magically understood every single thing about Trigonometry, but I sort of get what we're doing a little better now. So that was cool and cheered me a little up even though Meredith's sweater had baby Jesus on it and the less said about that the better.

I asked her what she was doing for Christmas and she gave me a look like I was the weird one and she said, 'I'm going to church of course, silly!'

'Oh,' I said, because I've never been to church in my life aside from going to Robbie's Bar Mitzvah, and that is really at a temple anyway. 'All day?'

'Yes,' Meredith said. 'My family is Catholic. We'll go at midnight on Christmas Eve and again later on Christmas Day. I'm really looking forward to it.'

I said 'Oh' again because to be honest I've never heard a teenaged girl say anything like that. I didn't really know what to say and was scared I'd offend her or something, so I just said, 'I didn't know you were so religious, Meredith.'

'Yup,' said Meredith, and looked happy like she usually did.

'Your brother's the same way?' I asked, sort of curious, but just wanting to keep the conversation going I guess.

Meredith actually stopped smiling for maybe two whole seconds before she got it set back up on her face. Even so there was something weird in her eyes – like a shadow or something? I don't know, it was weird, anyway. Pretty weird. Weird weird. She said, 'No, Brendan isn't very good about going to church. He says he doesn't believe in God.'

'Oh,' I said again.

Meredith started playing with the little gold chain she always wears and I stupidly noticed for the first time that there was a cross on it. I know JJ had told me she was religious so I don't know why I'm surprised over these things. Anyway, Meredith still had that weird heavy look in her eyes and she said, 'Brendan is – well, it doesn't matter, Beck.'

'No, what?' I insisted.

Meredith gave me a half smile, which isn't her usual smile, and she then started looking at her notebook like it was something interesting. 'Well, you work with my brother, Beck, you should know.' I frowned (I had no clue what she was talking about), and she looked at me again and continued: 'Brendan is … difficult.'

I didn't say anything because I was really surprised. Brendan's probably the most laid-back person I've ever met. After a moment I just nodded slightly and gave out my standard, 'Huh.'

Meredith said, 'My father is sort of strict, and – just, he and Brendan fight a lot. Sometimes it's bad. Brendan does it on purpose.'

'He fights with your dad?' I said. I was sort of uncomfortable with talking about Brendan when he wasn't there but I guess I'm also pretty nosy, EE.

'Yes,' said Meredith. She was looking at her closed notebook all attentively again. 'He knows how my dad feels about our religion but still whenever he comes over he manages to make some smart or mean comment about the church.' She said, 'It's not very nice to say to me, either. He doesn't care. When he had his problem, my dad – '

She shut up real quick.

'Problem?' I said slowly.

Meredith didn't say anything for a few minutes and she just kept playing with her little cross and she bit her lip. Finally her eyes snapped back up to me and she said, 'Brendan was sick before. He and my dad always fight about it.'

Would you believe it, EE, that I had no clue what to say? 'Um,' I said. 'Huh.' I didn't know what kind of sick she meant or anything and I didn't know why you'd fight with your parents over that. Did they not force him to get the flu shot?

Then Meredith stood up abruptly and started gathering her books together. She said, 'Listen, Beck, I shouldn't be talking about this with you. School's not an appropriate place for this. And anyway it isn't my business to tell. Brendan thinks you and Robbie are cool, especially you. Please don't tell him I told you about this.'

'No, okay, I won't,' I said quickly. I didn't want her to feel guilty or anything, and I felt bad for kind of having pushed and made her tell me, even though really she didn't tell me much, you know?

Meredith smiled at me again and then said see you tomorrow and left. Her smile looked the same as always, but now it's got me wondering if it's really a true smile. I wouldn't know, EE, because I guess I don't know her.

People are weird. Pretty weird.

**Dec 17**

Brendan finally gave me that CD today (I've been waiting) and it's called Funeral. I'm listening to it now and I have locked myself away in the RV for the rest of the night to work on my Chemistry lab which is due before we go on winter break. Who is Laika?

Earlier at work I watched Brendan carefully for signs of him being difficult or ridden with some sort of ailment, but I didn't see signs of either of those. We were really busy because Serena called out. Brendan and I were ringing up the crazy holiday shoppers buying boxed sets of Twilight (why). Trina was supposed to be opening up the shipment boxes and organizing them, but when the rush died down we went to check on her and she was totally sitting on one of the boxes giving herself a manicure.

Brendan said, 'Dude, you haven't even started this! These books need to be on the shelves tonight.'

'Yeah, I'll get to it,' Trina said without looking up from painting her nails.

Brendan sighed. He said, 'But I told you to do it like an hour ago.'

Trina said, 'Oh shut up. You know that all that's in these boxes are more John Green novels and he is so like 2008.'

Brendan just stared at her and I cringed away and waited for him to start screaming but after a moment he breathed out hard and just started laughing really loud.

Trina looked surprised too and she looked up at him and then smirked a little.

Brendan just laughed some more and shook his head. He leaned on one of the boxes and looked down at her and said, 'I swear to God, Vega. One of these days.'

Trina smirked again and said, 'Not with that nose, honey.'

So I felt the need to write that because Brendan has worked with Trina like this for the past year almost and somehow he hasn't murdered her, so clearly he is not difficult, and also oh my god they were flirting that is so disturbing.

**Dec 21**

Couple days without a big update but we took all our last finals today at school I've been busy at work. It's really late now and actually the 22nd and I haven't even packed yet to go to Mom's tomorrow / today (Robbie and I are going to be taking the train up. All week he's been annoying me by reading this stupid book and telling me facts about trains that I don't care about).

I finished reading What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Now I have a new book that Tori lent me: Of Mice and Men, because she heard me complaining about Mr John Steinbeck and she didn't know that I really meant Jade's stupid mystery man so she started chattering on about the real writer.

Gilbert was really good, and of course the ending was sad because all authors are determined to make me hate my life, but I guess it was sort of uplifting too in a weird way, and I didn't let myself lay on the RV's floor this time. I don't want to spoil the ending in case anyone ever steals this and reads it, but it made me think a lot, even though I wasn't on the floor to do it.

I've been sort of down over things that happened earlier today and I've already started Of Mice and Men. I can already tell it will be a book that will send me spiraling into a great depression too.

Isn't anyone in literature ever happy?

Sigh and sigh. Anyway. Today at HA I was the last one to finish my Trigonometry test – of course. After I handed it in to the teacher, I was gathering my stuff and Jade walked by the door and saw me. She paused for a second and came in and looked at me while I was cramming my dumb textbooks into my bookbag.

'Hey,' I said.

'Hey,' she said back and kept looking at me. My teacher looked sort of wary because I guess Jade sort of has a reputation of physical violence and she said, 'Beck, push your chair in when you leave' and then high-tailed it out of there. It made me smile, and Jade was still looking at me so I said, 'Yeah, I totally just bombed that.'

Jade smirked a little bit and came closer to the desk. She looked down at Of Mice and Men and tapped it sort of absently. She said, 'I always see you with a book now. It's weird.'

I said, 'Yeah, sort of.' I asked her how she'd been and she said she was all right.

I really wanted to question her about Mystery Man / Mr John Steinbeck but I restrained myself somehow. I asked her some stupid question, like about how her own math class was going or something.

'Oh, I dropped it,' she said.

(Technically, here at HA - and apparently most high schools around here - you really only need to take three years of math, but I am going to be making up math classes for the rest of my life, I think, for being from Canada and eternally behind because I stupidly did not care about fractions when I was nine years old).

'Oh,' I said. I'm being to really think 'oh' is my standard reply to everything. I said, 'But you like math.'

She said yeah, she does, but she didn't have the time to sit around and do stupid problems for an hour every night if it wasn't necessary. I greatly agreed with this assessment even if it is necessary, but I just said, 'It shouldn't be hard for you, anyway. You know everything about everything.'

I felt like I was doing good because I didn't even call her 'babe' there, and usually I have to restrain myself from calling her 'babe' nowadays.

Jade was still standing really close to me and she sort of snorted again and she moved even closer. 'Not everything,' she said.

And then.

She said, 'Beck, I think I made a mistake.'

I just stared at her and my brain was a little fuzzy, because her boobs were sort of pressed up against my arm, and it's been a while since boobs were pressed up against my arm. Finally I managed to say, 'You did?'

'Yeah,' she said. She leaned even further. 'I sort of miss your dumb face.'

Okay – I knew it was just Jade being Jade, but for some reason I felt sort of offended anyway. Because my face is not dumb, Emily Elizabeth. My face is mysterious and exotic even if Trina says I look like Taylor Launter now.

I decided not to point these things out however and just said, 'Well, I sort of miss your face too.'

(Note how, Emily, I did not call Jade's face dumb.)

Jade's mouth curled up slightly in her most dangerous smile and she said, 'What're you doing tonight?' She leaned even closer was also dangerous.

I said, dumbly because I am dumb above all things, 'I have plans.' It's not the weekend but there's no school tomorrow and Robbie and I were going to go to the movies with JJ and Serena again because that's what we've been doing when we can stay out late. I have a lot of fun with them.

Jade was still leaning against me, but I felt her stiffen a little. Even so, she said, 'Hang out with me instead.'

I blinked at her. I had been getting distracted by the boobs but now I pushed myself away from her slightly. 'I can't,' I said.

I guess that really pissed her off that I didn't immediately throw myself down at her disposal like I would have done in the past, because she straightened up and pushed herself away from me. 'Why not?' she said. 'Cancel them!'

Her tone put me on edge and I said, 'No!'

Jade narrowed her eyes at me. 'Why not?' she said again. 'What could you possibly be doing that's so important?' she asked.

'I'm hanging out with my friends,' I told her. 'Tomorrow I'm going to Seattle. Can't cancel on them.'

'Oh, what friends? Meredith?' Jade positively spit out her name and I was really surprised because last year she had acted like she couldn't give a hoot about Meredith.

'No,' I said. 'Robbie and my coworkers.'

Jade rolled her eyes and said, 'Robbie can spend one night without you, Beckett.'

'No he can't!' I said irrationally. The eyeroll didn't even hurt me this time, but I've always hated it when she tries to make me blow off my plans with Robbie and my name isn't Beckett.

Jade scowled and she crossed her arms and took a step back away from the desk. 'Fine, whatever,' she said.

I couldn't help but parrot back, 'Whatever' at her because everything is whatever to her, and I guess that's annoyed me too.

Jade glared at me a bit more but she didn't slug me for talking back, which is a good thing. She said, 'What's your deal with Meredith anyway? What are you hanging out with her for again?'

To be honest, I felt sort of surprised because I thought we'd passed the Meredith thing already. I figured maybe she'd seen Meredith sitting with us at lunch and maybe she was actually jealous this time.

I was fine with that train of thought because she'd got me all jealous over Mr. Smarty Pants English Guy.

I said, 'She's sort of my friend I guess. I work with her older brother. He's in college.'

Jade said, 'That's really sweet.' Obviously she was being sarcastic.

I wasn't sure why she'd suddenly seemed to get furious at me and I said, 'What exactly do you want, Jade?'

Jade crossed her arms. 'I told you that I made a mistake.'

I stared at her. I suddenly realized that she was trying to get back together with me.

Emily, I know that I vowed to win her back and all that stuff, but everything is just really weird right now, and I've sort of gotten side-tracked with … well, everything else that's weird in life.

What's even weirder is that I wasn't filled with elation when she said this. So I said, obviously being sarcastic myself, 'What, a spelling mistake?'

Jade didn't look amused. 'No,' she said, and then she didn't say anything else.

I said, 'Wow, so I guess you want to get back together with me but you can't even say it.'

Jade said, 'Beck, don't be a flapjack.'

'I am not a flapjack!' I said. 'You made this big deal about seeing other people and made me feel stupid for weeks and I see you everywhere with that guy from your English class and you kissed Moose!'

Jade looked really surprised and then really angry. She said, 'He told you about that?' Then she shook her head and said, 'That stuff doesn't even matter.'

'Yes it does,' I insisted. 'Maybe you were right to dump me. We never talk about anything and I don't even know what's going on right now. We aren't even together anymore and you're yelling at me for wanting to hang out with my friends! You can't push me around anymore, Jade.'

Jade still looked really angry, but underneath that she looked sort of hurt. That made me feel really badly, even though I was mad, too. She said, 'Well, you let yourself be pushed, Beck.' Her voice wasn't even mean when she said it. She just said it.

'I know,' I said, because I did know, and she was right, I had let myself be pushed around. But I felt like I was right, too, and I said, 'But we aren't dating right now. Neither of us are holding the power anymore and it's not fair that you always get to call the shots, Jade.'

Jade's arms were still crossed really tight and she blinked at me a lot. She said, 'So what are you saying? You don't want to get back together?'

It's so weird, because I didn't even realize it until that moment, but I said, 'Not like this.' Then I picked up Of Mice and Men and left.

Now of course I'm miserable on the RV's floor as usual and I don't know why I said any of that stuff. I feel like my head is going to split apart because I can't make my mind up about anything and I want Jade but I don't want Jade and me the same as we were. I probably just ruined everything and I'm just really mad at myself even though I still think I was right.

I need to go and pack and then I guess I'll try and sleep for like two hours before Robbie gets here. I need to tell him all this stuff on the train ride and it'll take a while.

**AN: SORRY GUYS!**

**I am getting Jade and Beck back together, I swear. I just want them both to grow a little bit more. **

**Also, let it be known that I've never taken Trigonometry in my life so I have no idea if the law of tangents is basic in that class or what. **

**I'm sort of disappointed that none of you guys have commented about Beck being a secret cello player, as I find that to be a sort of adorable mental image! :p**


	16. Chapter 16

**Dec 27**

Christmas was good and Robbie bought me the new Hellboy. Mom bought me a cool new jacket and also her husband got me a new bow for my cello which I really needed. I know Mom probably told him to but it was kind of nice anyway. Robbie and I did some cool stuff but I just wanted to update real quick about Hellboy and the cello and stuff.

Also, Mom showed Robbie like every single baby picture of me that she had in her possession, which was of course terrible, and later he said, 'You looked way more Indian when you were little.'

'Thanks,' I said.

Anyway we're going to the Space Needle today. Hopefully no one thinks we are lovers like they did yesterday when we were at the supermarket (with my mom none the less!). Guys can't stand close together?

**Dec 29**

Home now. So much to write about.

I guess I'll free-associate because we've been talking about that in my and Robbie's English class. Wait, sorry, Robbie's and my. Class. English. Robbie. Robbie says that I am impossible and I make his brain hurt and drive him crazy and also drive him to eat dairy and that could kill him, do I want to kill him?

When we were on the train to Seattle (we had to take a flight at 5 am to San Francisco and then take a crazy cab to the train station from there) I told him about my conversation with Jade and what an idiot I was.

Robbie agreed. He said, 'Beck, you are an idiot.' He reminded me that for two months now I've been moaning over Jade and laying on dusty floors and making him listen to Nickelback, and then when I finally have a chance to get back with her, I don't do it? He said, 'What's wrong with you?'

'I don't know,' I said. 'A lot of things, maybe.' I told him that getting back together with Jade hadn't felt right at the time and I said a lot of the same stuff that I had said to her, that she'd dumped me for a real reason – whatever that reason was, you know – and that she had wanted to see other people and when I'd talked to her it just seemed like everything is the same.

Robbie told me that everything was always the same when it came to me and Jade. He said that when we'd gotten back together last year we'd just done the same things as before. He said, 'She told you what to do all the time and was still pretty horrible to all of us and you just did that thing that you do to her all the time anyway.'

I was sort of horrified for a minute because, diary, there are a couple things that I do to Jade (and she does to me) that Robbie really shouldn't know about because he is an innocent child and I was scared he'd found the pictures of my old PearPhone. Very fearful, I said, 'What do you mean?'

He said, 'You still talked to other girls even though you know Jade is an insane succubus and you let your hair grow really long and you know what that does to girls. Also remember how you posed shirtless on The Slap last year to get more followers.'

'Oh yeah,' I said, relieved.

Robbie said, 'So you're both crazy and yet you don't want to get back together and now you're going to make me suffer for it.'

I said, 'I do want to get back together.' Then after a minute I said, 'But I don't want to get back together. But I want Jade.'

'Maybe you two could actually try to be friends,' Robbie suggested, which is an insane notion and I told him so.

'I want her love,' I said. 'I don't want to be friends.'

If Robbie noticed that I sort of quoted Lady Gaga he didn't mention it (the last time I'd worked at BaT, it was Trina's turn to man the radio and that's what she'd been playing all night). He just said, 'I don't get you. Are you actually thinking of dating other people? Who could you possibly like?'

I had to take a minute and think about that because I wasn't sure.

I won't lie and say that I haven't been noticing girls more and more since Jade and I broke up, but I haven't, like, taken the time to think about that fact or anything. I thought about Serena's bright hair and dark eyes and all of her strange tattoos. Thought about her looking at my palms and her saying, 'Taylor's the hottest.' I thought about Meredith always smiling and how it's really an insanely cute and beautiful smile even though I don't know if it's real. Thought about how she'd made chocolate-on-chocolate cupcakes last week, special, because she'd remembered that I said that kind was my favorite.

But then I thought about Jade, too, and I tried to make myself – what is the word – objective? Or subjective, I always forget which one means what. I think it's objective.

I tried to make myself forget how angry she makes me sometimes. Serena's beautiful and Meredith's beautiful, but I can't lie to myself, and if I just saw a picture of Jade without even knowing her, she'd automatically still be the #1 most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've always thought that, ever since my third day at Hollywood Arts when I saw her, and this was before she'd even started wearing a lot of makeup or doing her eyebrows all special. Jade's always the strongest person in my mind. I thought about her laugh and how happy it makes me, especially when I'm the one that causes the laughter. The way she actually gets really tired really early in the night and it only takes one try ever to get her to cuddle and watch reruns of Degrassi with me. How she tries to make everyone think she doesn't care about anyone, but sometimes she'd put notes in my locker and once she tried to make au gratin potatoes for me and started a fire in her kitchen. And how she'd done all this stuff last year to help Cat move in with her grandmother, and that crap earlier this year with Robbie. The way her hands are really small and delicate and fit in mine so well and the fact that she's sort of embarrassed that she keeps her nails so short so she can play guitar.

That paragraph took up an entire page, so think of how long I was sitting in silence on the train, thinking, while Robbie stared at me and looked more and more irritated.

Anyway … wow, now I'm just depressed because I love Jade and I forgot what I was writing about. Reread.

Oh yeah. Well so I thought about Jade and I thought about Serena and Meredith and I thought about Pretty Teacher and I thought about this girl in my Chem class who wears awesome fishnets and I don't know if I'd want to date anyone else. It's a lot of effort to start dating someone and I just don't know about anything so I just said to Robbie, 'I don't know, man.'

Robbie said, 'Okay, fine. But if Jade starts to really date Mr John Steinbeck now I won't have you coming to me and complaining.'

'Oh my god!' I said. 'Do you think she'll start to date Mr John Steinbeck?'

For some reason Robbie put his head in his hands.

Anyway we talked about Jade and things for a little while longer, and then Robbie started pointing out landmarks as they whizzed by, and we did some Sudoku, and I took a nice nap.

Mom's husband met us at the Seattle train station to pick us up, since it was past midnight and Mom still had to work one more day. We were all pretty tired so luckily we didn't have to make much conversation with him.

He gave me an awkward back-pat half-hug and he's never met Robbie before so he solemnly shook his hand and said, 'Welcome to Seattle, Washington. My name is Rajindarneethkosh but you can call me Rocky.'

By the way, Mom's husband had dressed for the occasion in a burgundy business suit and a severely horrible orange bowtie but despite this he looked very serious and proper. Robbie looked overwhelmed and whispered to me, 'Gee, I'd rather call him Rajinderneethkosh.'

Mom and Rocky have moved once since I'd last been to visit – holy crap, I realized it was almost two years ago – and Rocky showed us all over the new house and then let us make eggs and toast with special gluten-free bread that they had bought special for Robbie. We went to bed at like 4 am and slept most of the day.

Then it was Christmas and I got those cool gifts I already wrote about. I had found some really old pictures of me and Mom and Dad from when I was little and I had them cleaned up and put them in a cool frame so that was my present to Mom. Mom was really happy over them even though I think it made Rocky feel sort of uncomfortable. Thinking back on that, I feel pretty bad, because I hadn't gotten him a present. Also, I got Robbie a new harmonica in the key of D so now he can play the blues with Andre during lunch.

Mom and Robbie and I went biking and Robbie almost died and we went and took a hike in the mountains and Robbie almost died. We went to the Space Needle like I said and Robbie claims he almost died but he didn't.

Rocky got me that nice new bow for my cello and we also spent a lot of time talking about Mario Brunello, who is this famous Italian cellist I like a lot. He's done lots of cool stuff with it and when I was younger I used to dream about going to school in Manhattan and having him teach me. No one else I talk to really knows about Mario Brunello (even though Mom and Dad used to pretend to care when I would talk about the Orchestra d'Archi Italiana), so it was really cool that Rocky knew who he was. And I know Mom didn't tell him because she's terrible with names and she wouldn't have remembered that.

Anyway, so it was really cool to be at Mom's, but I'm sort of glad to be home anyway. Because even though Rocky isn't as bad as I thought, I still felt compelled to be super nice and polite all the time. Whereas Dad and I just ate a whole pizza in eight minutes and I burped loudly and Dad looked really serious and then rated it an 8 and a half (the burp scale goes up to ten), and I really couldn't do that at Mom's, you know?

**Jan 1**

It's New Year's Day and I'm not really doing anything, though I have plans to hang out later with Tori and Andre.

Last night Cat had a New Year's Eve party but I was scared to go and see Jade and I don't think Robbie really cared about seeing Cat, so we went and hung out with JJ and Serena again. JJ told us that her friend – I can't remember her name, Lisa? Leona? Something with an L – was having a party but she couldn't go because last year Serena had gotten suspended for fighting with her. When we all went to BaT to pick up Serena, Brendan was closing the store so we asked him to come too, and he thought about it and shrugged and said sure.

We went to the Regal as usual, and we watched this weird Spanish movie called The Baby's Room, which was actually pretty creepy. This guy named Juan somehow found out he had a dangerous doppelganger (Robbie told me what that word meant later) from watching this camera he'd set up in his kids room. Anyway it was a lot better than most of the American horror movies Jade makes (made) me watch. I had slight PTJD during the movie but I think I handled myself okay.

Afterwards it was really late and we were hanging out in the parking lot not really doing anything and Robbie and Brendan and I kept shouting out stupid puns about the movie.

'It's the wrong Juan!' (which is what Robbie and I both simultaneously yelled at the end of the movie when the wife realizes her husband is a different dude)

(also holy crap I spelled simultaneously right I think)

'Which Juan is the right Juan?'

'It takes Juan to know Juan.'

There were a lot of others and eventually we got sort of off-track and were saying random quotes like 'Juan must travel far to find what is near' and saying 'Juan Direction' and 'Juan Republic.'

The girls were sitting on the hood of Brendan's car and laughing and groaning and begging us to shut up. Finally we went across the street to grab some food at this diner (I got a BLT, but I didn't ask anyone vulnerably to split it with me this time).

Serena was sitting next to me dipping her french fries in her chocolate milkshake and JJ was sitting on the other side of the booth with Robbie and Brendan. We were all still talking and laughing about the wrong Juan and we didn't even realize it was midnight until people started screaming on the little TV that was playing above us.

Brendan said, 'Quick, girls, make out with me!'

JJ laughed and she quickly kissed Brendan on the cheek and then she grabbed Robbie and kissed him on the cheek too. I actually thought his entire head would blow off with how red he turned.

I felt kind of – not really uncomfortable or awkward, but I guess partly both of those things. I turned and looked at Serena, who set her milkshake down and stared back at me with her hard and always-serious gaze.

She said, 'Oh, what the hell?' Then she grabbed me and kissed me.

JJ and Robbie and Brendan all screamed in tandem and sugar packets rained down on me and Serena, who pulled away from me after another two seconds, and we were all laughing. She tasted like chocolate.


	17. Chapter 17

**Jan 4****th**

School's only been back in session for two days and already everyone is talking about the Full Moon showcase, which is this program HA puts on every year for all of us to display our talents. I didn't do anything last year, because I was lazy and went on a date with Meredith, and I probably won't do anything this year because I now know I am not good at anything and depressed.

Robbie and Tori and Andre are all writing a song together and I was very quiet at lunch because I am not talented. Meredith was sitting with us again and she was also very quiet because she was studying her AP Chem notes (I'm in Chemistry too, but not AP).

'Beeeeck,' Tori said in her usual Tori Way. 'Are you going to join in on the Full Moon this year? What are you going to do?'

I said, 'I don't have anything to do,' and hoped she would drop it. Maybe she heard something in my tone, because she frowned at me and turned to Meredith. 'Okay. Hey Meredith, what about you?'

Meredith was still staring at her Chemistry notes and didn't look up. Tori said her name louder and she blinked and said, 'Sorry, what?' She gave out her standard Meredith Smile.

Tori said, 'I asked if you were doing anything for the Full Moon.'

'Oh,' said Meredith. She smiled some more. 'I don't think I have the time. I got my early acceptance letter to Georgetown and I need to prepare for that. I also have to finish my flute piece for Music Theory and I am leading choir this year at my church.' She thought about it. 'I guess I could use my flute piece for the Full Moon but I won't have time for the practices here.'

Tori had looked overwhelmed and impressed since 'Georgetown' and she said, 'Wow, you're a really active person!'

Standard Meredith Smile. 'It's best to keep busy,' she said. 'An idle mind can lead to idle thoughts, and that isn't productive!'

'Um,' said Tori. 'I guess so!' She gave me a Tori Look that pretty much said, 'Beck, this girl is sort of weird,' and I gave her a look back that said, 'Yeah, I know, but keep your mouth shut and eat the cupcakes she made us.'

Tori did.

**Jan 7**

Robbie and I were hanging out in the RV earlier today. I was laying on the floor resting from school while he organized the books on my desk (I have a few more pages of Of Mice and Men but I don't want to finish it because I think that Lenny is going to die). Robbie told me about the song that he and Tori and Andre are working on. He said that they sort of have no clue what they are doing because Tori is writing the lyrics and being very secretive about it and whenever he and Andre show her the music they are working on she says, 'No, that's not right,' and they have to start over.

He bugged me some more about why I am not doing anything for the Full Moon and why I dropped out of the play and he asked me if it was because of the PTJD. I said no and that it was because of Post Traumatic Talentless Disorder.

Robbie looked shocked and said, 'Beck, you aren't talentless!'

I told him about Sikowitz kicking me out of the play and everything. Robbie said, 'Was that really Sikowitz or was that just you having a tantrum?'

I screamed from the floor, 'I DO NOT HAVE TANTRUMS.' Then I sighed heavily to calm myself. 'Robbie,' I said, 'lay down with me.'

Robbie said, 'Why? No!' But then he sighed heavily too and did anyway. It made me notice for the first time that he is getting taller than me because his feet bumped the wall of the RV and mine didn't. He said, 'Well, now I feel sort of uncomfortable and I see you are hoarding Fritos under your bed again.'

I said, 'I need the Fritos because they are the only thing that makes me feel better. I'm a bad actor and I have no girlfriend and what am I going to do with my life now?'

Robbie made another one of his strangled noises. He said, 'You aren't a bad actor. This year has been really weird for all of us and so what if you couldn't play one dumb role right? Not every actor has to be super versatile.'

'Sikowitz says that a great actor should be able to embrace any role he is given.'

Robbie said, 'Sikowitz also says that coconut milk gives him visions. Sikowitz also sometimes forgets to wear pants to class.'

He's right as usual but I still felt depressed. We changed the subject and Robbie asked me what was going on with me and Serena. Nothing was really going on with me and Serena so I told him that. I guess it had just been a New Year's Eve kiss because I worked with her over the weekend and she didn't say anything to me about it. She had sat next to me at the movies and shared my soda that night but she always does that anyway.

Robbie said, 'But she kissed you and she shares your sodas which is also an exchange of bodily fluids. I think she likes you.'

I didn't really feel like talking about my bodily fluids with Robbie so I said, 'I don't know if she actually likes anyone.' I said, 'What about JJ? She exchanged bodily fluids with the side of your face.'

Robbie turned purple and said, 'It was a closed-mouth cheek kiss. I doubt she is pining away for me.'

I don't know about that, diary, but I didn't want to push Robbie, because the last time I had did that he discovered Cat kissing Jade's cousin, so I just said, 'Hmmm' very loudly and reached behind me to pull out a bag of Fritos.

Robbie got up and put a Cuttlefish album on my stereo (Alligator, Alligator, which is their best one) and then he laid back next to me on the floor. We were talking about their new album when Dad came in and stared at us for a long moment (I don't know why). Then Dad said, 'Hey Beck, I want you to know that I have tickets to see the LA Woodchucks play on the 19th if you want to hang out.'

The Woodchucks are our local hockey team. American hockey isn't as intense as in the Canadian leagues but Dad and I have to take what we can get. 'Cool,' I said. 'Thanks Dad.'

Dad stared at us some more and then said, 'Well, you kids have fun and be careful.' Then he left.

Robbie said, 'Sometimes I feel like I am beginning to understand why people think we're boyfriends.'

I frowned. I said, 'I don't,' and put my arm around him when our favorite song came on.

**Jan 9**

At work one night a while ago (I guess it had been right when me and Robbie came back from Seattle) Trina and Brendan were doing their usual arguing banter thing. Trina said something about how she had came in late because she and Tori were watching Madea Goes to Jail and she forgot the time. Robbie didn't know what that was, so we all had to explain to him about Tyler Perry and his other Madea movies. Somehow we started listing all the other places Madea could possibly go and now it's this weird running gag and it's not very funny, probably, but we all think it is (aside from Serena).

Anyway the Madea pickings have been pretty slim lately because there's only so many places she could go. But last night Brendan was making the schedule and he looked up thoughtfully and said, 'Madea Goes to Seaworld.'

Robbie and I laughed (Serena was drawing on my arm in red Sharpie and she rolled her eyes). 'You win for tonight,' I said to Brendan. I wondered, 'Where else could she go?'

'The RV,' Robbie suggested, and I shuddered.

Serena said, 'What RV?'

Robbie said, 'Beck lives in an RV.'

Serena made a weird face and looked at me strangely. She said, 'What, are you homeless or something?'

'No,' I said. She had said it kind of meanly but I wasn't even bothered because by now I just know that's how she is. 'I live in an RV on my front lawn and my Dad lives in the house.'

'Wow,' said Brendan. He looked up from the schedule again. 'You hate your dad that much?'

That made me feel sort of uncomfortable because I don't, and I think Brendan actually does hate his dad that much. I think I'm also not supposed to know that Brendan hates his dad that much, and it's just weird that I know a lot about these people and they don't even know where I live. 'I don't hate him,' I said. 'I just prefer to not live with him.' I explained about my first movie role the summer of freshman year and how Dad had let me use the money to get the RV.

Brendan said, 'Holy crap, you're famous!'

I said I only had four short lines and that I didn't think the role of Shirtless Boy #2 would really go down as my first groundbreaking performance. Everyone laughed, even Serena. I laughed too, but then I guess I started to get sort of depressed, because now I probably won't have any groundbreaking rules at all, due to Sikowitz and the no talent thing. I got sort of quiet again, and I tried to play Futurama in my head to make myself feel better but it wasn't really working this time.

Robbie and Serena both left at 7:30 so it was just Brendan and me. I was fixing up my now-destroyed John Green display when Brendan wandered over and said, 'Hey, quit it with the manic-depressive chizz. That's my shtick.'

That made me laugh and I said, 'I am not depressive.'

Brendan said, 'Oh, okay' loudly. Then he stood next to me and bowed his head and shuffled morosely through some books in what I guess was supposed to be an imitation of me. He said, 'What's got you so down, Taylor?'

Usually I don't really tell people about my problems aside from Robbie - I sort of think they're stupid and insignificant compared to everything else that's going on. I mean, I don't really have it too bad, I know that. But I guess I felt safe there amongst the John Green display or something, so I told Brendan about the role of Giuseppe and not being vulnerable and what Sikowitz had said. I told him that I gave the part up and that I felt stupid for doing that and now I don't have any talents.

Brendan said, 'Man, screw your teacher!'

I said, 'I'd rather not. That's actually one of the things I'd like to do least in the world,' and Brendan laughed a lot.

Then he said, 'Beck, your teacher isn't the end-all of knowledge. Just because one person thinks something about you doesn't mean it's the truth.' He said, 'You know the truth.'

No I don't, I told him. And Sikowitz is right, because I do know that I wasn't great at the part, and anyway this year I haven't really cared about acting at all.

Brendan said, 'So what? So you'll find something you care about.'

'Yeah, but maybe even if I do I won't be any good at it.'

Brendan frowned thoughtfully. He said, 'I think you need a cheeseburger.'

(I always need a cheeseburger, EE. The more people that understand this, the better.)

We closed down the store twenty minutes early and Brendan took me in his car to Inside Out Burger (one of his side mirrors is held up by duct tape).

At first, I felt kind of weird, because I felt like maybe Brendan was taking pity on me - I mean I am talentless after all, and I'm not even eighteen yet, and he's a sophomore in college and practically runs BaT and now he's the one with the good hair. But we just ate our burgers and told stupid jokes and played the Madea Game some more and then I felt okay.

At one point Brendan laughed and said, 'Dude, what the heck did Serena draw on your arm?'

I realized I still had the sleeves of my hoodie pushed up and I looked down at my arm. It was some weird block wristband with a lot of dots and squiggles on it. That sounds really vague but it looked cool and tribal. 'I don't know,' I said. 'I saw her reading a book on voodoo last week. I think I need to be careful.'

Brendan said, 'I don't even know if you should wash it off. She might have cast a spell on you. If you start to grow horns, let me know.'

I said, 'I've dated a succubus before. I think I can handle myself, but I'll keep you updated.'

Brendan laughed again and then we exchanged stories about crazy girlfriends (mine were all about Jade, but he didn't need to know that). He said, 'Wait, so she really ran that kid over? I think I read about that in the paper last year.'

I said, 'I mean, it was mostly an accident. She thought he'd move out of the way.' Even though with Jade, who knows.

Anyway, Brendan is a pretty cool guy to have as a friend. I feel a little better about things now and I got a free burger out of the night. It was also nice to talk about Jade to someone who doesn't know her and isn't predisposed to dislike her.


	18. Chapter 18

**Jan 14**

Now I have a new notebook to write in because I filled my other one already. When I realized I was coming to the end of it I felt really weird and surprised because I never thought I'd have so much to say. I guess I am secretly a Chatty Cathy – something like a Babbling Beck, I guess.

I know that I'm very strange and I've actually gotten pretty attached to writing in the old journal – it's really like I am writing letters to a friend or something, someone who knows me but doesn't really know me so I don't feel like I have to hold back. This new book I'm writing in is a just one of those giant three-subject spiral notebooks so there's a lot more room. I might just only submit the old one to Pretty Teacher so now I won't have to feel bad about all the pseudo-swearing or anything. Robbie did his yelping thing when he saw I wasn't carrying it around anymore, but I told him I had filled it already and not to hyperventilate. He said, 'Wow. I never pegged you for a writer, Beck.' I told him it was just a stupid journal for class and barely classified as writing at all. Robbie smiled his annoying Robbie smile at me anyway.

It's Monday and I felt pretty down over the weekend so I didn't want to write anything, plus I'm still getting used to the way these metal spirals press into my hand. I kept myself busy with work and now I am finally reading the other Charlie book and I actually took my cello out the other day. The new bow is great and I found that I could still play the simple piece I had written for my HA audition.

When did I last write an entry? Oh yeah, Wednesday, after Brendan and I went out to eat.

Well, Emily the second, you know that when I'm feeling pretty good, immediately after something bad has to happen and tear me down? Andre and I were walking into school together on Thursday and I saw Mr Smarty Pants English Guy pull up in his ugly green car and Jade got out of it.

I screamed slightly but luckily we were all the way across the parking lot so I don't think she heard me. Andre watched her get out of the car too and he said contemplatively, 'Huuuh.'

I covered my eyes with my hands and said, 'Oh my god, he's dropping her off at school. Oh my god, they spent the night together. Oh my god, she is trying to get back at me for not getting back together with her.'

Andre said, 'Wait, what?'

I said, 'Andre, pick up that fallen log and beat me to death with it. Is she still talking to him? Did she kiss him? No, Andre, don't tell me, I don't want to know. Why aren't you beating me to death yet?'

Andre sounded annoyed and said, 'In another minute I'ma definitely start.' Then he said, 'Beep beep whoa, Beck. Back the bus up. When did Jade try and get back with you?'

I walked into the wall of the school because my eyes were still covered and I said, 'The last day of school before Christmas break.'

Andre mumbled something about how I don't appreciate his friendship and I don't tell him nothing and then he expressed some surprise that I hadn't immediately gotten back together with Jade. He said, 'We all know about you laying under the bleachers with Robbie.'

I said, 'Robbie never laid with me there' sternly and walked into the wall again. 'Did she kiss him, Andre?'

Andre sighed and he guided me into the school. He said, 'No, she ain't kissed him. Also, did you know you are kind of an insane person?'

Andre and I hung out by the lockers for a bit and he tried to console me a little while longer even though he sort of had no clue what was going on. Eventually he headed off to go find Tori to bug her about their song and I went off to Improv early. Sikowitz was the only one in the classroom and we both gave each other the silent treatment until the rest of the students started showing up.

While we were doing Scenes From A Hat, I worked with Robbie and Cat, and I covertly checked Jade out for signs of hickeys. I didn't see any, but I noticed she had changed her hair highlights again – passion purple. Clearly she is embarking on a new relationship. Oh Jesus Christmas Trees.

What could I do about that? Nothing, because I had said I didn't want to get back together with her, because I was kind of an insane person. I felt the PTJD kick in again more strongly than it had for the past month and I went and laid under the bleachers for four whole classes.

(There's a family of mice nesting in the opposite end of the bleachers. They are super cute even if Robbie screamed loudly over them for five minutes. The next day I put the crusts of my BLT from lunch in the corner for them. Mice are omnivorous so it's a good meal for the family.)

Friday Meredith helped me with Trig some more and she was really proud of me for graphing all of my problems correctly. She gave me a brownie which I happily took and I didn't ask her about Brendan or any of his ailments.

We were walking out of the school together and she was telling me how she and Tori have been paired up for a History project together. They have to make a big poster on the causes of the Civil War. She said that Tori seems really nice and she's excited to spend time with her outside of class. I think that's nice because I've been noticing again that Meredith doesn't seem to hang out with a lot of girls and maybe she doesn't have many friends at school for some reason.

Anyway, so we were walking together, and we turned the corner right as Meredith was laughing loudly because I had said, 'Every analytical identity has its thorn,' (which makes no sense but nothing in math makes sense anyway). I stopped suddenly because Jade and Mr John Steinbeck were right in front of us talking at their lockers. Jade also saw me and stopped talking suddenly and we all stared at each other in silence for a minute.

Meredith broke the quiet and said happily, 'Hi Jade!'

Jade stared at her like she wanted to rip her head off and she said, 'Hey.'

Meredith said, 'I was just helping Beck with his Trigonometry homework! He's getting really good.'

Jade said, 'Isn't that nice.'

I could have said something but I was too busy also staring at Mr John Steinbeck like I wanted to rip his head off.

Then Jade said, 'Well, as compelling as this all is, I'm out of here.' To John Steinbeck she said, 'Let's go' and he obediently followed her off down the hall.

I fell deep into the throes of PTJD once again and Meredith just sighed happily and said, 'You know, that's the nicest she's ever been to me!'

Life sucks.

**Jan 16**

Nothing can ever be simple for me, can it, Emily?

Earlier in the day I was slaving away at my Chemistry homework and I got a text from Robbie saying JJ wanted to know if we could hang out after work. I said I was down and at six I went and picked up Robbie and we headed to BaT to pick up JJ. She sighed heavily when we got there and asked what she wanted to do and she said, 'Serena is forcing me to go to the mall with her.'

'I'm down,' I said again. 'I need to buy a new hairbrush anyway.' Robbie and JJ laughed even though I wasn't kidding, but I decided not to point this out to them.

Brendan was there as usual too but he was also getting ready to leave (Mr Tenerio was closing by himself. Poor guy. If I didn't have plans I would have stayed and helped him stock shelves). I asked Brendan if he wanted to come with us and he made an exaggeratedly sad face and said, 'No, I can't. I have plans, sorry dude.'

JJ happily put in, 'Tell them what you're doing, Brendan!'

Brendan made a nasty face at her (she laughed again), and he said, 'I have to take Trina out. We're going to see Ginger Fox: Ginger Rocks!' Robbie and I both stared at him and he looked back and then added loudly: 'Live on Ice.'

'Jesus Christ!' I said, and Robbie said, 'Dear Moses!' He said, 'Why are you taking Trina to see that?'

Brendan said, 'I lost a bet to her,' and then he grinned for some reason.

'What bet?' I asked.

'It's a secret,' Brendan said, and then he wandered off to the back to get his stuff, humming a Ginger Fox song.

'Weird,' said Robbie and I.

'Totally weird,' JJ said.

Serena appeared from nowhere and said, 'Expected.'

She's so weird.

Serena didn't have her car tonight – she said her mom had dropped her and JJ off – so we all squished into my convertible and headed off to the Northridge Mall. Serena came around and got into the front seat without asking anyone so that meant Robbie and JJ pressed together in the back. We could hear Robbie apologizing loudly about the seatbelt and JJ laughing and Serena looked at me and smirked.

I guess she knows that Robbie likes JJ too. She probably knows more than I do, though, and I wonder if she knows if JJ likes Robbie back.

Oh, I never wrote about the Northridge Mall before – why would I? – but it's kind of jank and the lights are always broken in the food court but I guess they're the only mall that has this weird punk store that Serena likes (sometimes Jade talked about shopping there too).

JJ went into Thrift Aide with me to get my new hairbrush and Serena looked very happy (well, happy for Serena, anyway) and linked elbows with Robbie and dragged him off into the very dim-looking store that had pounding music coming from it. Robbie looked very scared, which I guess is why Serena looked so happy.

JJ laughed at me and said, 'Wow, you were really serious about the brush.'

I said, 'I've never had short hair before and now the bristles hurt my head.'

JJ nodded like she understood and we picked out a sweet blue brush for me. She asked me, 'So what's going on with you and Serena?'

'Ugh, you sound like Robbie,' I said, and she gave me a goofy grin. Then I told her, 'Nothing is going on with me and Serena. I don't even have her phone number. I'm a robot, remember?'

JJ said, 'That doesn't matter. You're a cute robot.'

'Thanks, I think,' I said. I paid for my brush and we left Thrift Aide.

JJ said, 'Oh, you know you aren't really a robot anyway. And Serena knows that too now. She said you have layers. Like an onion!'

'That's lovely,' I said. I don't know how I feel about being an onion or a robot. 'What about you and Robbie?'

JJ turned purple and said, 'What about me and Robbie?'

I wondered if I should start talking to her about bodily fluids but I decided not to and I just said, 'Just curious.'

JJ was still pretty purple and she said, 'You promise you won't say anything to him?'

'If I do I promise I'll do it in robot code.'

'Beck! ! !'

She makes me laugh. I said, 'Yes I promise I won't say anything.'

'Okay,' said JJ and then she turned more purple again. She said, 'I guess it's pretty obvious that I like Robbie but don't tell him! I mean I have a lot of fun working with him and, I don't know, he's cute, you know?'

I took a moment to beam everywhere because a girl had called Robbie cute!

JJ said, 'But I don't know how to ask a guy out. I've never really dated anyone before except in seventh grade and that doesn't count. I don't know if Robbie wants to ask me out and I know I'm not very pretty.'

That made me feel really bad and I said, 'You are pretty.' I knew I should have lied and said that JJ was the hottest!

JJ said, 'Shut up, Beck. Robbie showed me pictures on The Slap and I know what Jade looks like. She and Tori and Trina are like super models! I am short and shaped like a potato.'

I said, 'No you're not.' I doubted that she would want to hear that her big boobs automatically put her up to at least a 6 out of 10 on the guys' attractiveness ratings scale, so I kept that to myself and graciously said, 'Robbie and I are men that can appreciate every type of feminine beauty. And I think he likes you because he usually has to use his inhaler when he talks about you.'

JJ smiled like that was really sweet and by then we'd reached Cold Target so we went into the blackness to find our friends.

Somehow I ended up looking at CDs with Serena and Robbie was following JJ around and obediently holding all the hair bows that she was picking out to try on. They had the Misfits CD there that I'd been missing. I'll have to come back and get it.

Serena raised her eyebrows at me and said, 'You do not like The Misfits!'

'Yes I do,' I said. 'I like all sorts of music.'

Serena started quizzing me on Glenn Danzig and I answered all of her questions correctly because I am not a liar. She looked impressed and started to say something else to me but suddenly JJ pushed up between us to frantically whisper something in her ear.

Serena stopped the almost-smiling she was doing and said, 'Oh snakes and ladders!' Then she dropped the CDs she was holding and bolted out of the store.

JJ looked comically back and forth from me to her and then said, 'Guys, we should leave,' and then she bolted out after Serena.

Robbie came up next to me and said, 'Beck, what the heck is going on?'

I said, 'We're running, apparently,' and then we also bolted after the girls.

The girls kept running until we hit the parking lot and Serena climbed up on the hood of my car and sat Indian-style all hunched over so we couldn't see her face. JJ leaned against my car and we all (except Serena) looked around at each other and panted for a few minutes.

'What the heck was that about?' I asked finally.

Serena mumbled something and JJ looked at her for a minute and then translated, 'I saw Serena's ex-boyfriend come into the store. They aren't supposed to be around each other anymore.'

Robbie said, 'Why not?'

JJ looked at Serena again who was still hunched over and said, 'Can I tell them?'

Serena lifted her head and said, 'Yes,' and then she put her head back down.

JJ said, 'Last year her boyfriend punched her in the face.'

Robbie and I gasped in horror and I really wanted to, like, go and stand by Serena or something, but she was still curled up in a ball and I don't think it would have mattered to her anyway. 'Why would he do that?' I asked.

Serena pushed herself up finally and said, 'Because he's a flapjack, that's why.' She said that they always fought all the time anyway. She said, 'I found out he was smoking pot and that pollutes your body. We got into a big fight and he didn't like what I had to say so he punched me in the face.' She added, 'I had to get dental surgery.'

'Holy Moses,' Robbie said. He also looked like he wanted to go and stand by Serena, even though I know he's terrified of her.

JJ told us that the guy has a restraining order and he isn't supposed to be within 500 feet of Serena. She said, 'I mean it's not like he knew we would be there, and he would probably have left us alone, but I just felt like Serena wouldn't have wanted to see him.'

'I don't want to see him,' Serena said.

'Okay, well, we're not staying here,' I said, deciding. I said, 'Let's go to the movies. Let's go get food. I like to get food.' I guess I was sort of talking a lot because I felt bad for Serena and uncomfortable and I didn't want her to feel either of those things. Maybe she understood that because she actually gave me a legitimate half-smile, which is the most I've ever gotten out of her.

We all started to get back into my car and then Robbie said, 'Oh, crap,' because he realized he was still holding all of the hairbows that JJ had been handing him. He said, 'Oh my God, I'm a common criminal!'

He looked really panicked and I couldn't help but laugh. He looked at me and I guess that calmed him down somehow because then he just shrugged and grinned a little and said to JJ, 'I guess these are for you.'

JJ laughed and said, 'Thanks, my little outlaw!' Then she hugged him and I got to see Robbie turn the reddest red tomato red again.

No one really wanted to see a movie so we went to the diner by the theater again. I asked Serena if she wanted to split a BLT with me and she said she did. Robbie and JJ got fries and a milkshake to split because JJ didn't have a lot of money and I tried not to feel jealous because Robbie would never drink dairy for me.

Serena drew on my arm with a pen some more – different design this time. Anyway, nothing about this was really bad, aside from, you know, finding out that Serena has an abusive ex-boyfriend who made her have to get dental surgery.

I feel really bad for her because I hadn't expected her to have gone through something like that and now her tattoo makes a lot more sense to me. I also feel really bad because I was thinking of asking her out, you know, just to see, and now I don't know if I should because of all the crazy ex-boyfriend crap and she still doesn't have that key tattoo.

**AN: Thanks for pointing out that Beck had a guitar in the credits - I've never noticed that before! Ah well, I feel like he can play a bit but definitely isn't Andre-level. I think that his passion is acting, too, but perhaps he's just having a little teenage mid-life crisis right now.**

**Sometimes I need to remind myself that Victorious is a kid's show and to just relax, but I have a lot of problems with some of the Beck/Jade non-resolution: the Moose kiss, has Jade ever mentioned to Beck that she knows he pursued Tori when they were broken up (which basically confirmed her initial fear/dislike of Tori)?, the fact that the episode after they got back together Jade just acted more insane than ever: anyway, I don't want to just write these things away, so I intend to fix them. :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Hi guys! This will be the last chapter I post for a while, because I want to finish the fic before I publish any more of it. I have a timeline I want to stick to, and it will be better if I can complete it without regretting not being able to make changes. Lots of heavy crap coming up soon. Plus, I'm sick of people asking about the Bade. ;) Anyway, it's probably about a little past the halfway point right now. I have a lot of projects and things with school this semester, so less stress for me this way, plus I write with demon speed anyway.**

**Jan 18**

Earlier I was at BaT – how many journal entries do I start this way? Anyway, we were really busy, as we generally are in the afternoons. I got three people to sign up for a store card and four for the book magazine.

I've discovered that people are more likely to just say all right and give you their email and credit card number and then peace out when you're busy. I don't know if it makes them feel special that you're taking the time to type out their info or what, but I use this to my advantage. If we beat the other store in Northride for the sales quota we get to have a pizza party at the end of the month and I want that pizza, EE.

No one really reads in Northridge, anyway, so it shouldn't be hard.

Brendan came in at four – he has two Saturday classes this term and is bummed about them – and shoved at my shoulder in greeting and said, 'Shut up, Trina!' as he walked past me to go clock in.

Trina popped up from the horror section to glare at him (I just realized that sentence is sort of an oddly fitting statement for Trina). She said, 'I wasn't even talking, you snot-nose!'

'But I sense you will be,' said Brendan – I feel like he is very wise – and disappeared into the back. Trina rolled her eyes and knelt down again.

I felt myself grin. I asked Trina, 'So how was Ginger Fox on Ice, anyway?'

Her head popped up again and she narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously. 'He told you about that?'

'Um,' I said. 'Yes.'

Trina inspected me for another moment and then she smiled brilliantly. 'Well it was terrible of course.'

'Huh,' I said. 'Then why the heck did you go to it?'

Trina sniffed at me. She said, 'Brendan lost a bet to me. I wasn't going to make him take me somewhere where he could enjoy himself.'

Typical Trina.

I said, 'So what was the bet anyway?'

Trina smiled and said, 'Can't tell you.' Then she happily went back to shelving her books. Brendan came out a moment later and hit her on the head with a paperback and she started screaming at him.

They are so freaking weird, Emily (I write this into my journal which I have named after a fictional English girl from the 1800s).

Robbie bounced in at six, giggling like a young schoolgirl and tapping away at his phone. Trina gave him a disgusted look and said, 'What are you all happy and pink about?'

'I am not pink!' Robbie said to her. He said, 'JJ and I are texting each other sexual Harry Potter puns.'

I wisely chose not to comment on this and Trina said, 'Oh god, of course you are.'

Brendan said, 'Say, when did you guys exchange phone numbers anyway? As assistant manager I demand to know about all and any possible coworker romances and fraternization.'

Robbie went from pink to purple and he said, 'It is not a coworker romance.'

Brendan leaned happily on the register desk. 'But is it fraternization?' he asked.

'I don't know,' said Robbie of the Great Purple Grape and Eggplant Valley. 'I'll tell you when I figure it out.'

Brendan sighed and he turned and looked at me. 'Our babies are growing up, Beck,' he said.

I said, 'I do hate it when they leave the nest, though. I get so lonesome.' Brendan patted me on the shoulder.

'You guys are freaks,' Trina told us.

'Say, I think I found that shut up I ordered earlier,' Brendan said thoughtfully. Trina threw a Stephen King book at him (Brendan said that the book was a thousand pages and if it hit it would have killed him. Trina said next time she will aim better).

We always get a little slower in the evening and once I didn't have any customers to ring up and harass / charm into buying store cards, I couldn't help start thinking about, well, things. I wondered what Serena was doing since she wasn't working at BaT tonight. Clearly not being interested enough in me to ask for my phone number. I wondered what Jade was out doing. Perhaps she was having fun with Mr John Steinbeck, talking about intellectual things.

Maybe they were even eating food together (Jade and I used to eat food together).

I sighed heavily. No one paid attention to me, so I sighed again, a little louder. Robbie sighed too and he said, 'Sounds like Beck is thinking thoughts.'

Trina said, 'Oh, is that what that burnt rubber smell is?'

I gave her a nasty look. You know, Emily, there was once a time when Trina Vega adored me. I'm not sure when that changed – maybe once she graduated and started going to UC? When I cut my hair? I said, 'Robbie, I feel the PTJD coming on again.'

Robbie said, 'Oh God no. Brendan, grab him before he tries to lay on the floor. He'll make you do it too!'

Brendan said, 'What? What is PTJD?'

I sighed heavily again so Robbie explained about the Post Traumatic Jade Disorder and then he and Trina chronicled Jade's and my tumultuous relationship in what I found to be a very unnecessarily animated fashion.

'Ohhhh,' said Brendan. 'Okay. Jade. The succubus.'

'Yes. Now she is potentially dating Mr John Steinbeck,' Robbie told him. 'And Beck said that he would not complain to me about this but Beck is a liar.'

Trina and Brendan said, 'John Steinbeck?'

Robbie said it was some guy in Jade's English class and that we don't know his name. Trina and Brendan nodded like this was acceptable.

I said, 'I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should move on too or at least pretend to but there aren't any girls that I really like.' I didn't want to mention Serena and I definitely didn't want to mention Meredith. Brendan is cool and all, but I don't know how he'd feel about me dating his sister (again. For more than an hour this time). Especially since I don't know if I want to really date either of them.

Robbie looked frustrated. He said, 'Wait, I thought you told me you wanted to get back together with Jade!'

Trina said, 'Ew, don't get back together with Jade!'

'I do want to get back together with Jade,' I said. 'But she wants to see other people so why shouldn't I too? I just don't know who I want to see.' I thought about it and then asked Robbie, 'Do you think I should try to kiss Tori again?'

Robbie stared at me. 'No,' he said flatly.

Brendan said, 'Wait, who's Tori? Guys, I'm old and I don't go to Hollywood Arts.'

Trina: 'My sister, nimrod.'

Brendan: 'Oh, that Tori. Beck Sandoval Oliver! You player!'

Me: 'Sandoval?'

Brendan: 'I made up a middle name for you because I don't know it.'

Robbie: 'Listen, Brendan, the keyword is try because Tori wouldn't kiss him because Jade is her friend. We're all friends. I mean sort of.'

Trina: 'I'm not your friend.'

Robbie: 'Duly noted. Beck, do not kiss Tori.'

Brendan: 'Hmm. Well, I think you should probably kiss someone who isn't in your weird little clique. I mean it could cause problems.'

Trina: 'Just pointing out that I am not in the weird little clique. Hey Beck, call me maybe.'

(I guess she does still like me a little. Blech.)

Brendan stared at Trina.

Trina: 'What?'

Me: 'I think I'm going to go lay on the floor.'

Robbie: 'No!'

Brendan said: 'Hmm. I'll allow it because you sold like ten store cards today. Go and lay in the children's section and don't mess up my Arthur display. I spent the whole morning on that.'

The children's section smells like Fruit Loops cereal.

And that was my night.

**Jan 22**

Martin Luther King Day today so we had a three day weekend from school! I felt pretty good all weekend but now that school is approaching fast again I can feel myself being pulled back down into the deep dark depressive waters of Trigonometry.

Saturday Dad and I went to the Woodchucks game and it was pretty fun even though Dad almost made us late because he stayed at work so long (he is not supposed to work weekends). I think he felt bad because he bought me a lot of stadium food. That was fine by me because now I can use my money on other things.

Woodchucks did good in the first quarter but pretty much got slaughtered after that. Sigh, America.

Yesterday I ended up having dinner at Meredith's house. Very weird.

So Meredith and Tori have that History poster to do, and Tori texted me earlier in the day to ask if I could pick her up around five. She said Trina had dropped her off but was working now and if it was a problem she could try and get Robbie or her dad to do it. I felt happy that she had texted me first, and I wasn't doing anything aside from playing around on my cello so I told her sure.

I hung out in the RV for a while longer – I am finally starting the second Charlie book – and then I headed over to Meredith's. I've never been inside her house before and it's pretty nice. Very white and very big. Hardwood floors.

Tori and Meredith showed me their poster which so far had a lot of cutouts of Abraham Lincoln and not a lot of words. When I pointed this out both girls huffed at me and said, 'Well it isn't finished!'

Meredith asked Tori and me if we wanted to stay for dinner and she told us that her mom was making chicken and macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes. Tori and I stared at each other because she loves mashed potatoes and I love all three of those things.

Tori said, 'Sure, if it's all right with your parents. That's really nice of you, Meredith!'

Meredith said, 'I'm sure it will be fine because my mother always makes too much extra food on the nights we don't go to church.'

We all went downstairs. Meredith's dad was in the living room reading the Sunday paper and he gave Tori a tight smile and then stared at me like I was the hugest cockroach he's ever seen. He gave me the cockroach look all during dinner, too.

(I don't know why that was necessary. Clearly I was Tori's friend too and not trying to date or corrupt Meredith and I don't even have very long hair anymore, which makes some girls' parents wary. Tori told me later that she thought he looked like he was going to beat me with a newspaper and chase me from the house screaming, 'Amscray, you hooligan!' It made me laugh because Tori said the word 'hooligan.')

When Meredith's mom was serving us her dad looked up and said, 'Two starches, Renee?'

Meredith said, 'Dad, stop complaining, these are my favorites.'

Meredith's dad chose not to say anything and instead went back to giving me the Cockroach Why Is This Cockroach Here Look.

The food was really good but it was sort of just awkward to be at Meredith's house. I mean, I don't know. Dad and I never sit at the table when we eat dinner together so maybe that's a big part of it. Tori and Meredith and I talked about Hollywood Arts and Meredith told her dad that I work at BaT with Brendan.

I got the biggest O Cockroach My Cockroach look and her dad said, 'Oh, that's nice.' It didn't sound like he thought it was very nice. He said, 'How do you like working there, Beck.'

'I really like it,' I said. 'It's my first job and I didn't expect to enjoy it so much.'

Tori and Meredith and I talked about BaT a little bit more and at one point I said something about how there had been a lot of Harry Potter sales lately. Tori smiled said, 'After all this time?' and I said, 'Always.'

(I haven't read the books but I have seen the movies, Emily.)

Meredith's dad said, 'Those books are rubbish.'

'Huh,' I said. I felt awkward x 2. I said, 'Well, I haven't read them.'

He said, 'They fill children's heads with unrealistic garbage and I feel it goes against the church.'

Tori took the most giant bite of her mashed potatoes that I've ever seen a person take.

I said, 'Huh,' again and said again, 'Well, I haven't read them.'

Meredith's dad gave me a slight Cockroach look and then said, 'Meredith, don't slouch.'

'Sorry, Dad.'

He also said, 'Meredith, don't put your elbows on the table,' and 'Meredith, close your mouth when you chew' (I hadn't noticed it was open). He also drilled her about all of her classes at Hollywood Arts and questioned her about some song she was writing on her flute. I think she talked about it at lunch one day.

Anyway, I would have been really irritated if my dad lectured me and asked me so many questions and I would have flipped my lid, especially if my friends were there, but Meredith just kept smiling and saying either, 'Sorry, Dad!' or brightly answering his questions. Tori ate lots and lots of mashed potatoes and I ate lots and lots of everything.

Meredith happily said goodbye to us and her mom put the rest of the macaroni into a Tupperware container for me to take home which was super sweet. Anyhow, when we left though and were in my car, Tori turned to me and said, 'Did that feel really weird to you or was that just me?'

'Weird,' I said. 'Definitely weird. Very weird.'


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Everyone! Hello! I know I said I would be waiting until this story is complete, and it nearly is (and very long, of course), but I like this chapter a lot, and wanted to post a little something to keep y'all interested. :)  
**

**Jan 24**

It's weird how I can be sort of happy and sad at the same time. I really don't understand it at all.

Tonight was Thursday, which usually means a slow night at work. I got to the store at five and swooped in quickly to take control of the radio before Trina could get to it. I tuned through the stations until I found some alternative rock – Tom Petty was playing, which made me happy. 'She's a good girl, crazy bout Elvis,' I sang along and turned the volume up.

Trina made a horrible face and told me I was off-key. I said, 'Shut up Trina! I'm free. Free falling.'

Trina yelled, 'BRENDAN, HELP, BECK IS LISTENING TO DAVID BOWIE OR SOMETHING.'

Brendan was busy at the returns desk, but he took the time to look appalled and tell her that it was not David Bowie. He also said, 'Stop screaming, lady, you are scaring away the customers.'

I felt pretty good, and I finished up singing 'Free Falling' while I went into the back to pull out the night's inventory (it's a good song, all right?). I stocked up the teen section and sang some All American Rejects, too. Brendan commented, 'Woo, Beck, so I guess you did not get into HA for your vocal range.'

I said loudly, What's that supposed to mean? Trina and Brendan both laughed, but instead of feeling bad I just grinned. I mean, I already know I don't have a very great singing voice. And they weren't being super mean about it, so it didn't bother me.

I guess I also realized for the first time that Trina is sort of my friend, too, even though she's still annoying and is always painting her nails instead of working. I wonder when that happened.

The Cranberries came on and I tried to make myself sound very mournful and Irish as I sang along. Brendan groaned which made me laugh.

The radio played some good jams. Jose – I mean Mr Tenerio – came in while I was singing and he laughed at me too. We talked about hockey for a while and I told him I thought the Woodchucks still had a good chance this season. He patted me on the back and said, 'Ah, hijo, hijo. So young and hopeful.' It made me laugh even though I don't know what 'hijo' means. I'll ask Tori later.

'Desperate for changing,' I sang passionately to Trina over my new Hunger Games display. 'Starving for truth. Closer to where I started. Chasing after you.'

Trina continued to look unimpressed by my vocal range. She rolled her eyes and pushed past me to the returns desk with her books – sometimes she is such a gank and does not appreciate good music. (Also, I was not starving for truth, but for a BLT, in fact. I asked Brendan to go get food with me when our shift was over and he said sure.)

Brendan blocked Trina at the returns desk and he also began singing. He said, 'I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all I've held on to. I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you.'

Trina laughed and pushed him out of the way, and I laughed too because it clearly wasn't a long moment.

Two customers in the American Lit section also laughed and started singing along which made me very happy. Trina rolled her eyes and said, 'Jesus Christ!' and disappeared into the back.

Sometimes these little things at work make me feel really good. It's nice to be able to compel the customers to sing Lifehouse. They are a band from here in LA, you know. Represent!

I kept working on my Hunger Games display and I was in the middle of a very nice rendition of a Jimmy Eat World song when Tori walked in with Jade behind her. They both stared at me as I softly crooned out, 'I was spinning free, whoa oh oh oh,' to the large Katniss cutout poster. Then of course I looked up and realized they were there.

Quickly I looked back at the poster.

'Ha ha,' I said to Katniss. 'Hi girls.'

Jade said Hi in a weird voice and Tori said, 'Beck, what are you doing?'

Trina said, 'He's trying to commit the world's most creative vocal murder,' and I said, 'Tori, I'm working hard on a display right now, don't you have eyes?' I made sure Katniss was standing up straight.

Trina also said, 'Tori, why did you bring Vampira to my place of employment?' and Jade snarled.

Brendan looked up from the returns desk and said, 'Is this the Tori?'

'Ha hum,' I said.

'Hello!' said Tori in a bright Tori Voice.

Jade said, 'Vega, I wasn't going to stay at your house and console your bedridden father.'

Trina and Tori both said, 'He is not bedridden!'

I'm still not sure why Tori and Jade were together at all or why they were together earlier at Tori's. I also got that Tori didn't want to talk about her dad, so I interrupted everyone to sing quietly to Katniss and Peeta, 'Sing it back, whoa OH.'

Jade also said, 'Whoa OH,' which made me happy too, because I know that she actually likes that band a lot. Freshman year she had worn their t shirt every day with the sleeves cut off instead of getting changed for gym. We saw them at a festival together once.

Anyway, seeing Jade put me in a sort of weird funk, even though she had been with Tori and not John Steinbeck, and even though she had smiled at me during the Jimmy Eat World song. I guess Tori had shown up to give Trina her purse, but I still have no clue why Jade was with her. I didn't really want to lay in the children's section again since Mr Tenerio was here tonight, even though he's cool, so once I was done with the Hunger Games display I busied myself doing markdowns by the front desk.

I sang quietly to keep myself occupied. Sublime was playing and I sang along: 'I got a dalmatian. I can still get high. I can play the guitar like a motherflapping riot.'

Trina was at the register beside me and she said, 'I certainly hope so, because you can't sing for chizz.'

Even though I still wasn't in really a good mood, it made me laugh a lot, and suddenly. It's weird – I hadn't even noticed she was paying attention to me.

There's this other song by Sublime and in it he says, 'What I really want to say, I can't define,' and really, I guess that's basically me all the time.

More stuff to write but I'm tired. Tomorrow we're doing a lab in Chemistry, and I'm paired with Fishnets Girl who also has no clue what we're doing, so I better rest up. I texted Robbie that I was going to bed and he said, 'Can I Slytherin?'

What is that? He's weird.

**Jan 26**

So on Wednesday I also hung out with Brendan after work, but I was too tired to talk about that when I wrote my last entry. It's important because I learned what Brendan is 'sick' with.

Okay, like I said, I was sort of bummed about seeing Jade, so I was glad when Brendan said we could go out to get food. He said he had another engineering class in the morning but would probably sleep through it. We went to his car and while we were waiting for it to heat up I couldn't help but mention that I had eaten dinner at his house with Tori a few nights ago.

Brendan said, 'Holy crap. I'm sure that was really lovely.'

I said, 'It was okay. Your mom makes good macaroni.'

Brendan snorted and laughed. He said, 'I'm sorry you had to go through that.'

I said again that it was okay. I was thinking about Meredith's dad telling her to set the table and not to put her elbows on the table and not to chew with her mouth open and asking her about every single class. I said, 'Your dad is sort of, um, intense.'

Brendan smiled, but it wasn't really a nice smile or anything. It made him look like Meredith. He said, 'Yeah, that's a word for it.'

I told Brendan what his dad had said about the Harry Potter books at BaT and Brendan snorted loudly again and said, 'Yeah' again. He said, 'I think he thinks I work at a bookstore solely to piss him off. God forbid I actually like something so horrible as reading fiction.'

I said, 'Yeah … ' too because I didn't know what to say.

Brendan tapped on his steering wheel and looked out at the parking lot and he said, 'Look, Meredith already called me acting like she was in church confessional telling me she told you some horrible secret about me and my dad.'

I felt my face get really hot and I said, like, 'No, I mean, she didn't really tell me anything … '

Brendan said, 'It's cool, dude. It's actually not that big of a deal, even though my family acts like it is. I don't want you to think I'm an ax murderer or something.'

I still didn't know what to say and my face still felt really hot so after a minute I guess Brendan just decided to continue. He said, 'I used to have a lot of problems with my dad. I mean I've never really been a religious person which is part of it, but when I was younger I had a lot of problems.' He said that he started feeling really weird when he became a teenager and his parents couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. He said it turns out he has something called schizoaffective disorder. He asked, 'Do you know what that is?'

'No,' I said.

Brendan drummed on the steering wheel some more. He said, 'It sort of means that I am crazy, I guess.'

'Dude, you aren't crazy,' I said, because that just made me feel really bad.

I've been wondering about Brendan's 'secret' for a while now. I was starting to wonder if he was gay or something – not that that is a bad thing, and not that he acts gay, or that there is a certain way to act gay or anything, but it was the only thing I could really think of that would really make him have problems with his family. You know, since they're so religious and all. I mean, we talk about girls a lot, but what do I know? I hadn't thought of him having a mental disorder or whatever you want to call it.

Brendan smiled. It wasn't really a real smile again but it was better than his last one. He said, 'Nah, I know that. Uh, it basically means that I am kind of bipolar but I would have schizophrenic episodes. For a while I was hearing voices and sometimes I couldn't remember whole days.'

'Holy crap,' I said.

'Yeah,' Brendan said. 'It's not really a big deal and it wouldn't have been bad except for the fact that my father does not really believe in mental illness.'

I felt lucky that he didn't ask me if I knew what either of those things are. I mean, I guess I do know what bipolar disorder is and what schizophrenia is because I took Human Behavior my sophomore year, but I'm not an expert on them or anything, and I didn't want to feel dumb some more. There are probably a ton of different types of those things and stuff. Anyway, it sounded like a big deal to me. It sounded like an even bigger deal that his dad wouldn't believe anything was wrong with him. I said, 'Wow.'

'Yeah,' Brendan said again. 'And I'm not stupid and I knew something was really wrong with me, but he just told me to go confess my sins and crap. He was always screaming at me. There's a lot I still don't remember which sucks. Eventually it got so bad that the police picked me up one night when I was out and then I stayed in a psychiatric facility for almost three months.'

I was really shocked by that, I guess because of the police thing, and ... three months is a really long time. And it just really wasn't what I had expected at all when I'd thought of Brendan being 'sick,' you know? For a moment I was quiet, trying to think of something to say, but all I could come up with was, 'Holy crap, dude.'

Brendan said that it was that long mostly because he didn't want to go home. He said that he missed a lot of school, and anyway he was failing already so he had to make up the tenth grade. He said that's why he was 21 now and only a sophomore at UC.

'Wow,' I said. 'So are you okay now, though?'

'Yeah,' Brendan said. 'I take medication and there hasn't really been a problem. Sometimes I feel sort of weird but I guess I can control myself, you know?'

'Sort of,' I said slowly.

Brendan thought for a minute. 'It's like,' he said, then was quiet again. 'It's like, you know how sometimes you think everything in the world really sucks, but you just keep on doing what you're doing because you know that you're probably overreacting?'

'Yeah,' I said, because I feel like that all the time. 'Story of my life.'

Brendan grinned at me and he said, 'Yeah,' too. He said, 'So that's what I have to do sometimes, but at first it was hard because I felt like I didn't know what was what. So anyway, my dad hates that, and I think he feels like I'm faking the whole thing to piss him off. My meds are expensive and he stopped paying for them when I was 19, which is why I have to work at BaT like all the time.'

'Wow,' I said again. And yeah, I know, I'm like the king of expression or something, but just ... wow.

Brendan said yeah. He said it wasn't a big deal, though, because he likes working there and that Jose is way cooler than his dad anyway. I sort of wanted to ask some more stuff about his dad and his family and why they were so weird, but I didn't.

Brendan asked me if I still wanted to get food and I said of course. I think he looked sort of relieved but I'm not sure.

Was he worried that I'd think he's weird or something? Everyone's weird, Emily.

Oh yeah, and Tori told me that 'hijo' means something like 'my son' in Spanish. I guess if Jose calls me that then I can start calling him Jose then.


	21. Chapter 21

**Jan 29**

I think that, in trying to be a good friend, I have, in typical Beck fashion, once again ruined Robbie's dating life for the foreseeable future.

(We are experimenting with complex sentence structure in my English class. Think that's too much?)

Friday when school was ending I was at my locker talking to Andre and Cat. Andre was asking me what my weekend plans were because he wants my feedback on the music he's writing for the Full Moon (for some reason. Not sure why because obviously I have no musical talent). He asked if I was busy Saturday and I told him I had to work all night. I said, 'We can try to hang out later on Sunday if you want, though.' I said, 'I'll probably be out late because Robbie and I usually go to the movies with our friends Serena and JJ on the weekend.'

Andre said, 'Oh, your coworkers from BaT, right?'

'Yeah,' I said. Cat was still lingering and I guess I felt like sort of being a jerk to her because of the whole thing with Robbie, so I pointedly added, 'I mean, JJ is sort of my friend, but she really likes Robbie, you know.'

Cat did exactly what I figured she'd do, which was to linger even harder.

Emily, in my head you are a girl, so you probably could have told me I was very stupid. However, there's that whole fictional aspect of our relationship (and the fact that you are an inanimate object), and even though you were safe in my bookbag, you could not scream out at me, 'Shut up, Beck!'

'Oh yeah?' Andre said, and looked happy. He said, 'Four for you, Robbie.' I don't know what that means and Robbie wasn't even there but all right.

'Yeah,' I said, still being pointed. I said, pointedly pointed, 'I'm really glad that Robbie has found a girl that is nice and interested in him.'

Cat lingered even more. I felt like the damage had been done so I happily said, 'Well, got to go and study with Meredith! I do love me some triangles, you know. Later, Andre. Later, Cat.'

'See you,' they said.

Okay, so, the next day at work, Robbie's phone kept going off nonstop. I glared at it because JJ was working too so she wouldn't be texting him, and who texts Robbie that much that isn't me or JJ with Harry Potter innuendo? Eventually Robbie said, 'Hey, Cat is texting me like crazy and she wants to know if she can come to the movies with us. Did you tell her about that, Beck?'

I said 'Ye-eeees,' because I had, but I hadn't expected Cat to try and invite herself, and I felt like this could potentially be a bad thing.

Robbie said, 'I feel like I should invite her along. I'd feel weird telling her she can't come.'

I still wasn't entirely sure what Cat was playing at, Emily, but I didn't think it would have been very nice of me to abandon the customer I was with to leap across the desk and shriek in Robbie's face, 'DON'T INVITE HER!'

I just said, 'Well, man, I mean, it's up to you.'

Robbie looked at his phone some more and said, 'Okay, I guess I will.'

Fudgenuts and flapjacks.

So the night wore on, and when we were closing Robbie told the girls that our friend Cat was going to come along too and that he was going to go pick her up (he's been using his mom's car more and more – I think she is going to give it to him. So I hadn't picked him up and couldn't deny him from getting Cat).

Serena looked bored and JJ sort of frowned and said, 'Oh, okay. So we'll just meet you there I guess?'

Robbie left to go get Cat and I took JJ and Serena in my convertible to the Regal (JJ sat in the back, Robbie-less but still squished because the convertible is small). I tried not to act like the fact that Cat was coming was a big deal, but Serena poked at my face anyway and said, 'Why so serious?'

We had to wait forever for Cat and Robbie at the theater and we ended up missing The Possession which is what I think the girls wanted to see. We watched some teen comedy instead. The main girl sort of looked like Tori, which is funny to me because Tori says she doesn't really want to be an actress. But I mean, it wasn't that funny, because the whole night was sort of weird and uncomfortable, definitely unfunny. The night was, to quote Robbie because I want to quote Robbie, pretty bad news bears.

Cat was wearing her pinkest outfit and she had her arm hooked through Robbie's. Robbie looked sort of confused and overwhelmed, because I think he's wanted his arm hooked through Cat's for forever, and he gave us a bright smile as he hurried across the lobby towards us.

Serena continued to look bored and she cracked her gum loudly whenever Cat would speak, and Cat sort of speaks a lot, so there was a lot of Cat-chatter and gum-cracking for a while.

'Do you want Now and Laters?' Robbie asked JJ, still hooked up to Cat.

'No thanks,' said JJ. She looked really depressed and kept glancing at Cat, who just smiled brightly at her. I sighed loudly, but no one paid attention to me, as usual.

'Do you want a soda?' Robbie asked JJ.

'No thank you,' said JJ.

Robbie asked, 'Do you want popcorn?'

JJ said, 'No thank you.'

Cat said, 'Robbie, I want popcorn.'

Robbie said, 'Oh, okay.'

Sigh.

Serena cracked her gum loudly and I sighed again. If I still had long hair I would have ran my hands through it hard and put it across my face. Everything was just really awkward and I'm dumb and my mouth is big. I wished Robbie would have unlinked his arm from Cat's, but he just continued to look sort of overwhelmed.

When we got into the theater, Robbie went and sat at the end of the row like he normally did and Cat sat down next to him. JJ sort of stood there for a minute and then Serena shoved her so she was forced to sit next to Cat. Serena and I sat down too and I leaned over her to darkly inspect Cat and Robbie. JJ looked pretty unhappy, because I guess these are the times when she and Robbie are free to be really dorky together and talk about Harry Potter and Jane Eyre and Adidas and stuff during the movie previews, but now there was a Cat in between them.

Also, why would she not want Now and Laters? I'd have wanted them. Robbie never thinks of me.

Serena leaned across me too, and since I was leaning as well that meant we were very close together. She whispered, 'What is your pink friend doing here, Taylor?'

I whispered back, 'I think it is my fault because I am an idiot.'

Serena cracked her gum and said, 'Okay, so I blame you for ruining my night.' She sighed and I felt bad. She had had her heart set on that movie about Jewish demons and now we were watching a girl that looked like Tori run around on Halloween night. Cat was giggling and talking a lot and Serena said loudly, 'I'm going to be sick,' and she put her head down on my shoulder. JJ didn't say anything.

It was a really long movie, even though Serena's hair smelled good. I'm a night-ruiner.

Afterwards we all stood around in the lobby again and it was just weird and not good, not at all like when Robbie and I usually hang out with the girls in the lobby. Cat had immediately linked up with Robbie again once we'd left the theater – I guess that felt weird to me, too, because I'm usually the one linked up and not Robbie. Also, even I could see what Cat was doing and I have been called not exactly observant before.

Robbie asked me and the girls if we wanted to get anything to eat at the dinner like usual.

Serena said, 'I'm bored' and JJ said, 'No thank you.'

Cat did that weird hair flip that girls do and she told Robbie they could get something to eat. Obviously I couldn't go with them because I had to take the girls back to BaT and Serena's car.

Robbie said, 'Um, okay.' He looked at me and then he looked at JJ but she and Serena were already leaving to head out to my car. I stared back and him and then I stared at Cat and I said, 'Okay, well. Have fun I guess.' I also felt like saying, 'Good luck,' but I didn't.

Robbie was sort of frowning, and he looked again towards where Serena and JJ had disappeared out the door, but then Cat pulled on his sleeve and he turned back to her.

When I drove home I tried to talk about the movie but JJ was still being really quiet and Serena was being Serena, and anyway the movie really hadn't been very good. Once we got back to BaT Serena cracked her gum a final time and said, 'Later, Taylor' before getting out.

JJ started to get out too but I told her to wait. She stopped struggling with her seatbelt and looked at me. I could see her in the rear-view mirror and I twisted around to look at her properly. She still looked pretty sad and I didn't know what to say. I said, 'Um. So. Look. It's sort of my fault that Cat was here tonight.'

JJ frowned at me I confusion so I continued, 'I mean, Robbie sort of has. Well he used to have a thing for Cat. I told her that we all hung out a lot and that he liked you. I guess she got jealous.'

I waited for JJ to say something. She brushed her bangs away from her face really slowly and finally she said, 'Yeah, Beck, I don't think Robbie likes me.'

I said sure he does. JJ made a face and she said, 'Beck, that girl was so pretty. Why would anyone like me when a girl like that would even talk to them?'

Man, I felt really bad. I explained to JJ about the song Robbie had wrote for Cat last year and the Cow Wow dance, and as I talked, I realized that I really was not helping things at all. I cut myself short and restrained myself from telling her how Robbie always gives Cat his pudding cups. I said, 'Anyway, the bottom line is that Cat doesn't like him.'

JJ started struggling with her seatbelt and not-looking at me again and she said, 'That's not really the point. The point is that he still likes her.'

I started to say that wasn't true but she stopped me. She got out and came around to the door of my car. She said, 'It's okay, Beck. It doesn't matter.' She still looked depressed and she said again, 'I know I'm not very pretty.' She said, 'I don't want to compete with a girl like that, okay? Don't worry about it.'

Emily, I felt so bad and all of this was my fault. If I kept my mouth shut there would've been no Cat and we probably could've seen that Possession movie and maybe JJ would have hid her face in Robbie's shoulder if it was scary (or vice versa). I just felt really bad and I said, 'I'm sorry.'

JJ said it was okay again and she went and got into Serena's car and they screeched off into the night. I drove home too and now I'm just feeling bummed out again. Depressed in the RV: The Life and Times of Beck Oliver.

Think that annoying cricket is back too. Ugh. I need a sandwich.

**Jan 31**

Robbie is an evil demon. How did he get his hands on my Hollywood Arts audition? I didn't even know it had been videotaped, but I feel as though I should blame Sikowitz, so I shall.

Anyway, so now the performance of disturbingly short me playing the cello is streaming up on The Slap. I unslapped myself from it immediately but a bunch of people in Improv have already starred it, and stupid Tori and Andre re-slapped it on their pages too because they are horrible.

Tori's re-slap said 'LOOK AT BECK PLAYING THE GIANT VIOLIN ! ! ! :D'

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. Also, how dare she say it is a giant violin.

I found Robbie before homeroom and hollered and threatened him with his swimsuit pictures, but he didn't even care! He said, 'Post them if you want! There is already a picture of me up in Trina's bikini top! How can my life get worse?' He said that I am not talentless and he uploaded the video to show me that. I said that he did not show me anything, but in fact showed the general populace of HA that I was a nerd.

God, now everyone knows that I am a dorky old cello player. I need to hack into Robbie's account and delete it, and possibly also post some mean and untrue homosexual statuses. I wonder if his password is still 'ILoveSplat2010.'

Speaking of Splat, or Cat as he obviously means, that's going lovely.

She sat very close to Robbie at lunch on Monday but by Wednesday, yesterday, she was migrating back and forth to the table where Jade was sitting with the rest of the Dead Poet's Society (hold the applause, Emily – I know I am hilarious). She spent a lot of time animatedly talking to John Steinbeck's friend – I shall call him Curly because that was a character that I really didn't like in Of Mice and Men. Anyway, Curly is a junior I think, and he played drums last year on Jade's song at the Full Moon.

On Monday and Tuesday Robbie and I worked at BaT and Tuesday JJ was there. Robbie kept going up to her and talking and smiling and doing the giggle-chin like he usually does.

(I still don't see anything good or appealing about the giggle-chin, but to each his own).

I didn't notice her act particularly cold to him or anything but Tuesday night when I drove us home Robbie was frowning and he said, 'I think JJ is mad at me or something. She wasn't talking to me very much and she never responded to my Hufflepuff joke on Sunday night. Now I feel weird and should I just text her something else?'

I said 'I don't know' because I'm not sure what (or who?) Hufflepuff is. I'm assuming something / someone to do with Harry Potter – is that who Robert Pattinson played?

Robbie sighed. He looked very down, which of course made me feel terrible because of my big fat mouth, the fattest mouth. He said, 'I don't know what I am doing wrong.'

I felt so bad, diary, and I told him about my pointed-ness towards Cat on Friday. I told him that I think she had gotten jealous and that that was probably why she had invited herself along. I didn't want to tell him about all the stuff JJ had said to me – I mean that's private, and anyway before she had made me promise not to tell Robbie she liked him – so I said, 'Maybe JJ feels bad or something because of Cat.'

Robbie frowned and he said, 'But why?' He said, 'I don't like Cat anymore.'

I said, 'Are you sure?'

Robbie frowned some more. 'I think so,' he said.

'Figure it out,' I told him. Robbie looked overwhelmed, which is just pretty much his usual look anyway.

Anyway. Back to the ruination of my social life. Tori and Andre cornered me before Trig today to discuss the video on The Slap. Tori came bouncing at me with her biggest and gooniest Tori Smile and I knew right away she was going to start hollering about the giant violin. I pretended to be studying my Chemistry notes very hard.

Andre got to me first and he pulled my folder away and said, 'Beck! Why didn't you tell us you were a secret fiddler!'

I said, 'I am not a fiddler!'

Tori said, 'Dude (it's so sad when Tori tries to call anyone dude), I thought you could only play guitar! This is so cool! How have I never seen that video before?'

Ha ha, she thinks I can play more than four chords on the guitar. I said darkly, "I blame Sikowitz and let's stop talking about this.'

Tori said, 'Oh my god, are you embarrassed or something? WHY? This is so cool, Beck. I didn't know you could play the cello! You should play something for the Full Moon!'

'No,' I said.

Tori gave out a big Tori pout. Andre said, 'Yeah, man, why didn't you tell us you could play? Hey! You should come over to Tori's sometime with it. We can jam out.'

'No,' I said. I did not feel it necessary to add that one does not generally 'jam out' on the cello.

Tori said, 'Andre, that's a cool idea!' She said, 'Beck, we really need, like, something extra for the song we're working on. Since you are a secret fiddle player - '

I may have screamed softly in despair. Then I said, 'Tori, it is not a fiddle!'

Tori made another goony face and laughed at me. 'I'm just teasing you,' she said. 'Beck, this is really cool, you should have told us you played – '

'I don't play anything!' I yelped, and then ran away from them because they wouldn't stop talking about the cello. I didn't want to go back to the gym because apparently there are rumors that I lie there with Robbie now (thanks Andre) so I crept into the library. The first people I saw there were Jade and Cat and dear god did Jade see me playing the cello? I ducked quickly behind the encyclopedias.

After a while I felt brave enough to peep out from behind the shelf. Jade and Cat were sitting with John Steinbeck and Curly, which filled me with incomprehensible rage, and I may have made another undignified noise.

Also, Cat was eating in the library, which is against the rules!

I guess Jade must have seen me or recognized my squeak because a moment later she was getting up and stomping over. I don't think the stomp meant anything other than the fact that she was wearing her heavy Doc Martens, but she may have thought I was spying on her and been annoyed. A moment later her head appeared around the corner and she asked me what the flap I was doing there.

I ripped an encyclopedia off the shelf and buried my nose in it. I said, 'I am reading up on the Thylacine. What the flap are you doing here?'

Jade glared at me. This was the first real interaction we've had since the incident before Christmas – Jimmy Eat World doesn't count. She said that she was being annoyed to death by Cat and Curly. She also tried to pull the encyclopedia away from me but I held fast. I told her not to disrupt my reading and I asked her didn't she have anything better to do than to bother me?

Jade glared at me some more and said no, she doesn't! Then she must have realized that that wasn't a very good insult because she sort of stomped one foot and said, 'Beck, you are freaking weird.' She stomped off back to her table to grab Cat. That was when I noticed that Cat was sharing a pudding cup with Curly and I made another sound of rage.

She thinks she can just eat pudding with any guy? Wait until I tell Robbie about this.

Jade grabbed Cat by the end of her ponytail and dragged her out of the library. I stayed hid by the encyclopedias for the rest of the period just to be safe.

I finished that article on the Thylacine, too. Really, you learn something new every day, I guess.


	22. Chapter 22

**I'm weird and get twitchy when I look at my profile and see nothing's been updated for a month.**

**Okay … so this story has been taking way longer than I expected, mostly because I've had no time to write. Since it will probably take another month + to complete, I decided to post another chapter for you guys … maybe two...maybe three! Just to get us rolling. I've calculated what I've written and what I need to write, and this story will probably round out at a little over 100k, which means we are pretty much at the halfway point now.**

**Feb 3**

I hung out with Tori earlier today because I haven't done that in a long time. She called me sort of early (early for me, at any rate, which is any time before noon on the weekend) this morning and asked if I wanted to come over later.

Even though I worked all yesterday (Saturday) and I wanted some quality time with my bed and the book I'm reading, I said sure. I felt bad for not seeing her for a while, I guess. We have the same English teacher, but for a different period, so we talked about the paper we are supposed to be writing on the Transcendentalists (I haven't even started yet, hence the 'supposed to be'). Then we just talked about other silly school stuff for a while and Tori squawked some more about me playing the cello and asked why do I keep secrets about cool things?

I told her – nicely, I hope – to quit bugging me about it. I told her that it wasn't a secret anyway (it totally was a secret, EE), I just didn't tell anyone about it. I said, 'Anyway, Andre and Robbie tell me you're being Little Miss Secretive about your song for the Full Moon, what's that about?'

Tori made an Abashed Tori Face at me and said, 'Oh, well, you know.' Obviously I didn't know so I just made a face back at her. She said that she has been working on lyrics for a song but it's very private to her. She said that anyway, Andre almost always helps her with the lyrics but this time he hasn't, so she is worried that it isn't good anyway.

'Everything you do is good,' I told her. 'You know that.' We were sitting on her couch and that made me feel sort of uncomfortable, since the last time I'd given her a pep talk about her talents was last year when I'd tried to kiss her. Maybe she remembered it too because she gave me a weird little smile.

Anyway, I guess it reminded me of that somehow and I just felt kind of bad about it. Everything I say to Tori about her being talented and awesome is true, but last year I was just saying it because I was thinking about myself and how her hair is pretty. I jumped up off the couch and said, 'So let me hear it.'

Tori made a Surprised Tori Face and said, 'What? No! No way!'

I told her that she'd gotten to see me play the giant violin, and as a pre-freshman nonetheless, so there was the whole shortness factor involved. Tori grinned and agreed yeah, you were pretty short, huh?

I said, 'We are not even talking about me right now. Play your song, Tori.'

Tori said no because she couldn't play guitar. I asked her if she had the music with her and she said yes so I told her to play it on the piano then. She still looked sort of unsure and tried to say no again, because she can't play piano as good (sorry – as well, Emily) as Andre could.

I said, 'No one plays anything as good (well) as Andre. Don't stall.' I thought and then added, 'Come on, Vega,' which is what Jade says to make Tori do things she doesn't want to, like her math homework.

Tori sighed some more. She whined and made some more Tori Faces but eventually she went and sat at her piano and started tapping out at the keys.

Sometimes I forget how good Tori's voice actually is. The girls usually end up singing these fast-paced pop songs for class, but this one was a lot slower and I think it suited her much better. She only sang a little bit before she stopped.

She sang something like:

_Do you know what it does when you flash that smile_

_You're a mirror inside and I can't look through_

_Break it down and you could stay for a while_

_Smile over at me and I feel okay_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_Take the time for another lie_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_Take your pain for another day_

_And I feel okay_

Then she stopped and turned sort of red and said, 'No, Beck, I don't want to play anymore, it isn't good anyway.'

'It's really good,' I insisted, but she just made more Tori faces at me. She closed the piano and I followed her into the kitchen. She immediately began peeling potatoes which is her comfort food.

I'm pretty sure that the song is about her mom and all the crap that's happened with that. She didn't say so, and I guess it sounds like it just could be about a relationship, but not every relationship has to be romantic, you know. Plus the potatoes thing keyed me in.

A little while later Trina came bursting in. Brendan was with her and I guess I was surprised because I hadn't known they really hung out outside of work, Ginger Fox on Ice notwithstanding. Tori and I could hear them laughing out in the living room so we both peeped our heads out.

Tori made the biggest and gooniest Tori Face ever when she saw Brendan and she said, 'Why hello, Oh It's Just Brendan From Work!'

Trina made a nasty Trina Face back at her and Brendan said, 'Hi Tori.' He also said hey to me and I said Hey back. He looked surprised to see me too, and he gave me a stern look when Tori turned to say something to Trina (he probably remembered what I said at BaT about trying to kiss Tori again).

Tori continued being Tori and bounced out into the living room and said, 'So, what are you guys up to?'

'We just got frozen yogurt, Jesus!' Trina said. Then she slugged Brendan on the shoulder and said, 'Out of my house, pig,' and went upstairs.

(I tried not to feel jealous that Brendan got food with other coworkers. Does frozen yogurt really count as a food anyway?)

Anyway, then Brendan was just left standing kind of awkwardly in the Vega's living room and he looked around at us and sort of smiled. Tori bounced around the room some more. She asked him, 'Are you guys on a date?'

Brendan laughed like Tori had said something funny and said no. He asked if we were on a date and then Tori laughed like he had said something funny (thanks, Tori) and said no too.

Tori's mashed potatoes started boiling over and Brendan said he should probably head out. I'd been at Tori's for a while now and I figured I'd let her eat in peace so I asked him what he was up to. He said he'd worked earlier but now he was mostly killing time because his apartment at school was being fumigated. He sounded pretty bummed out about it. I asked if he wanted to hang out or something. I said, 'I don't have much money right now, but we can go and chill in my RV if you want.'

Brendan said, 'Sure, I've been curious about your star machine.' We stayed with Tori for a few minutes and annoyed her with comments on how much butter she was using in the mashed potatoes and then Brendan followed me in his car back to my house.

Brendan sat on my floor and we drank a whole pack of Capri-Suns together. I felt sort of dumb and said, 'Sorry, I don't have any alcohol or anything.' He said that it was cool. I didn't want to tell him that I've actually never drank ever, except if you count two glasses of really gross wine at Jade's aunt's wedding two years ago. I don't think it really counts because it was gross. But he didn't ask so that was okay.

I showed him my cello which he said was cool too and he looked through my collection of comic books and laughed, but not really in a mean way. He said that he didn't picture me as a graphic novel type guy. I told him I only really liked Hellboy and showed him the new issue Robbie had got me. Brendan told me that he has only read The Watchmen which I might like. He also looked through my records and he commented that I liked a lot of 90s stuff, and we talked about bands and the LA Rock Fest and Cuttlefish for a while. They are playing Coachella this year, which I didn't know.

Brendan said, 'Trina told me about it.'

I said, 'So weird,' and Brendan agreed.

I guess it was just really cool to talk to someone about this dumb stuff. I mean, I have Robbie and Andre, and sometimes Sinjin to talk to about drag racing, but Robbie and Andre and I already know everything about each other. It was just cool to talk about comics and music and stuff with someone that I haven't heard it from before, you know?

We talked about BaT too and Brendan asked me what was going on with Robbie and JJ. I guess he has also keyed onto the fact that the fraternization has halted. I immediately thought of Cat sharing Curly's pudding cup with him and felt depressed. I told Brendan all about last weekend at the Regal: how I'd told Cat we hung out there, and how she'd creeped on Robbie, and JJ feeling like she isn't pretty, how basically everything is my fault. (I know that JJ had told me the Robbie stuff and feeling ugly in confidence, but I also knew I didn't have to worry about Brendan saying anything to anybody about it.)

Anyway, Brendan said that it isn't my fault and reminded me that girls are weird. I argued that it feels like my fault and I said, 'I really just want Robbie to be happy. He's a good guy. I wish that girls could see that and not just the weirdness.'

Brendan told me the things that Cat does aren't my fault even if I open my mouth. He said that it will probably blow over anyway and if JJ really likes Robbie she'll get over feeling insecure. He also said that I shouldn't feel responsible for all of my friends.

'But I have to,' I said. I told him that for the first two months we'd known Tori, Robbie had just referred to her as 'Female!' right to her face. How is he supposed to get any help if not for me?

Brendan laughed and told me that I think too much, which I didn't know what to say to. I just looked at my cello because I felt weird and said, 'Isn't that what everyone does?'

Now that I'm by myself thinking and writing this, I realize that I'm pretty sure no one's ever said that to me. Anyway, Brendan just shrugged at me and he told me not to worry so much. He told me that I'm a very serious person, and no one's ever said that to me either.

Anyway, I guess that's not a bad thing, right? The seriousness thing, that is.

But anyhow, I think he's wrong, because if I was so serious, I'd probably seriously do my English paper, huh? Instead I'm just seriously thinking of driving myself to Inside Out Burger, even though it's past midnight now. Tastes great, open late.

Seriously.

**Feb 5**

Robbie flipped out at lunch today.

I was being sort of quiet because Jade was sitting with us to help Tori with her History paper and I didn't want to say anything that would sound desperate or stupid. Also didn't want to bring any attention to myself in case Tori or Andre decided to start screaming about my fiddle-playing again. Keeping a low profile, you know.

Cat was sitting next to Robbie and giggling at something Andre had said and then she turned back to Robbie and asked him for his pudding cup like she normally does.

Robbie stared at her with lettuce from his salad falling out of his mouth and then he swallowed and said, 'You – no!'

'Oh,' said Cat. She frowned - let it be known that never once in our four years at Hollywood Arts has Robbie denied her his pudding cup. She said, 'Why not?'

Robbie said, 'Because – because I don't want you to have it! You can't have my pudding cup, Cat Valentine!'

We all stared at him. Cat stared at him too and said slowly, 'Kay kay.'

Robbie clutched his lunch tray very hard and said, 'You think you can just – just take whatever you want! You're not entitled to my pudding cup, Cat! I'm not giving you my pudding anymore!' He said, 'It's gluten-free and I don't know why you want it anyway!'

Cat stared at him like he was an insane person, which is rich coming from her anyway, and she opened her mouth to respond but Robbie barreled on. He said, 'I don't know what you are doing. Sometimes I think you're my friend but sometimes you treat me like crap and I wrote that song for you and you know I liked you for forever and you never had a care about me! I don't even know why you're sitting next to me right now and you think I'm just going to – to give you my pudding cup every day! Well I'm not going to do it anymore! You got my friend really mad at me last weekend and I don't know why and I don't know what you're doing! But I'm not going to do it anymore, Cat! I'm not going to give you anything of mine anymore! Not my pudding or anything! Do you understand me?'

We were all staring at him with our mouths open now, even Jade, who is never shocked by anything. Andre had been eating a cheese steak and I made the mistake of looking over at him - I really wish I hadn't done that because he had melted cheese on his tongue. Anyway, Cat's mouth was open too, but then she blinked and she said, 'Um, okay, Robbie. I'm sorry?'

Robbie stood up abruptly and snatched his tray too. He said, 'No you aren't! You aren't even sorry! I don't understand you!' He made one of his most frustrated yelping sounds and he said, 'You can never have my pudding cup again, Cat Valentine! Never! Do you hear me?'

He stormed away before she could answer him. We all stared after him and then we stared at Cat who just looked confused. She said, 'I don't know what that was about.'

Jade rolled her eyes and said, 'Cat, you're an idiot.' Then she just bent back over Tori's history essay and scribbled out a whole paragraph. She said, 'Jesus, Tori, even in your writing you never shut the heck up.'

Robbie didn't come back to lunch for the rest of the period and I had a sneaking suspicion about where he would be so I went to the old gym and peered under the bleachers. Robbie was laying on the floor with his lunch tray beside him and his empty bookbag on his face. I said, 'Oh ho ho! Does someone have Post Traumatic Cat Disorder?'

Robbie said, 'Shut up, Beck!' He sighed heavily, which was muffled by the backpack. He said, 'I am stupid and I screwed everything up with JJ and I dropped my pudding on the floor just now anyway.'

I said, 'Man, you probably didn't really screw up anything with JJ.'

Robbie said, 'She has not sent me a single Harry Potter related text all week. My life is empty.' Then he said, 'Beck, will you lay down with me here?'

I said sure and that's what I did. I could hear the mice family scrabbling about and Robbie didn't even shriek.

After lunch I talked to Andre some more and he gave me the tape he has of him and Robbie playing the music for Tori's song. I don't know why they keep bugging me about this, but I said I'll take it home and listen to it. That's what I'm doing now and it's pretty good, but I'd get a better feel for it if Tori would actually sing her darn lyrics.

**Feb 8**

Life just gets weirder and weirder.

Today after school (I stayed late in the library studying with Meredith again – she made homemade banana pudding and I ate like the whole container of it in six minutes) I was at my locker debating the pros and cons of actually writing my English paper. I heard the door to the entryway slam and heard some stomping and I knew right away it was Jade without even turning around.

'Hello,' I said politely into my locker.

Jade's voice sounded annoyed and she said, 'Yeah, hi.' She said, 'So what did you do to Robbie this time?'

I said, 'What?' and turned around to look at her (I noted in dismay that she was wearing this really cute plaid skirt that I like). I said, 'I haven't done anything to Robbie.'

Jade said that she talked to Cat, who wouldn't stop squeaking about the movies last weekend, and she said, 'I'm not stupid, Beck. I know you told Cat that Robbie's in love with some chick from Northridge and I know Cat, who _is_ stupid.'

I said in great offense, 'Cat told you JJ is from Northridge?' Central and Northridge are in the complete opposite directions from each other. Leave it to Cat to make JJ and Serena sound like skunkbags!

Jade rolled her eyes. She said, 'Look, I don't really know everything that's going on, but I guess Cat screwed up Robbie's moves with this girl or something. All week he has been drooping all over our desk and using his inhaler and being all mopey and doing that annoying yelping thing that he does.'

I pondered, 'Our desk? You guys share a desk in Photo Lab?'

Jade looked enraged and said, 'Don't worry about what I do, Beck!' She poked hard at my shoulder and told me again to tell her what I did to Robbie.

I sighed and had to explain once more about the pointed pointedness last week and Cat and Robbie's being linked up at the movies and how Robbie and JJ always shared Now and Laters and how I saw Cat and Curly in the library and all that stuff which lead to his outburst earlier at lunch. Jade rolled her eyes at me and said, 'Good going, Beck. That kid is never going to get laid.'

I asked why the subject of Robbie's eternal virginity was my fault. Jade said, 'Because Robbie is an idiot! He doesn't know about girls. He can't be held accountable for what he does! He's like Austin Powers in the second movie where he loses his mojo, or something.'

I got slight PTJD because only Jade would be someone who'd appreciate a Canadian actor like Mike Myers but I fought it off. I said, 'So you don't think Cat likes him?'

Jade made another enraged face and said, 'Of course Cat doesn't like him! Cat likes being liked!'

I said, 'I don't get it.'

Jade said of course I didn't because I am an idiot boy too. She said that she's sick of all the drama and that if Robbie overdevelops their film again because he's too busy being depressed over his dating life she'll murder him. I told her that JJ had told me not to say anything to him, and what could I do that wouldn't cause more damage?

Jade growled and took my phone from me, right out of my pants pocket! She scrolled through my contacts and said, 'Okay, what is this chick's name? Is it really JJ? She works for the BAU or something?' (JJ is the name of my favorite hot lady on Criminal Minds. Probably part of why I like BaT JJ so much, actually.)

'Her name is Janet,' I said. I didn't think Jade would care about my Criminal Minds musings even though she had mentioned it.

Jade said 'Cool beans' and hit dial on my phone.

'Jade!' I said. 'What the heck are you doing?' I tried to grab my phone back.

JJ answered her phone then and Jade batted me furiously away while making a mean face and then she smiled brightly into the phone. 'Hi, is this Janet?' she asked brightly.

JJ's tinny voice answered something doubtfully – dubiously, even (I wish I'd known what all these cool words had meant last year when I took my SATs).

Jade continued smiling brightly like JJ could see her or something – I guess she was getting in character. She said, 'Yeah, so, hi. This is Jade West. I'm Beck's ex-girlfriend (my heart, diary!) and I'm friends with Robbie and also with Cat Valentine. … Cat. Yeah, the redhead from the movies. So Beck has told me that he's sort of an idiot?'

JJ's tinny voice said something else dubiously.

Jade said sweetly, 'Yeah, no, no, he definitely is an idiot. Don't be nice about it. No one else is.'

I made an offended noise, which Jade ignored. She said, 'Look, I want to tell you that Cat is a close friend of mine but she's also a total fruitcake and she has this sort of problem where she wants attention from boys all the time. She lead Robbie on for like two years and I can assure you that she actually has no interest in him outside of using his mom's credit card.' She paused and then said, 'No, look, I know. Yeah, I know.' She looked irritated and then said, 'Look, boys talk and Robbie definitely has a major nerd-boner for you. He rated you a 9 out of 10 on the guy's attractiveness scale so if you could forgive his ignorance with the whole Cat situation last week that would really be awesome.' She said, 'The boy really does have terrible self-esteem.'

I stared at Jade. JJ said something that sounded incredibly dubious. Jade rolled her eyes and said, slowly, 'No, I'm not pranking you. This is Beck's phone, kid. Do you want to talk to him or something?' After a minute she rolled her eyes again and pushed the phone up to my face.

'Hi JJ,' I said. 'Uh. Jade and I were just talking about you!'

Jade smirked at me and then put the phone back to her ear. 'I know. Yeah. He is so eloquent.'

What?!

Jade continued, 'What? Yeah, look, well Robbie's drooping all over the place and I have to work with him in class so I decided to help him out. He really likes you and he feels like crap. I think he tried to kill himself yesterday – he had a container of milk and ate like five packets of cheese. Are you cool now?'

JJ said something that sounded slightly less dubious now.

Jade said, 'All right, sweet.' She paused. 'Uh. Do you want to talk to Beck again?'

Eyeroll #53. Jade shoved the phone up at my face again.

JJ said, 'Beck?'

I said, 'Yupper.' (Jade rolled her eyes again like she was in pain.)

JJ said, 'I sort of feel bad now for calling Jade a huge bozo all those times.'

I grinned. I said, 'It's cool. Later, JJ.'

'Bye.'

JJ hung up and then Jade and I both stared at each other expectantly.

Jade said, 'Okay then. Well love is in the air again I guess.' She tapped at my phone to clear the screen and the only sound in the hall was the little beep that it made.

I looked at her. I said, 'Jade, why did you do that?'

Jade glared at me in a confused way so I had to explain myself. I said that Cat is her friend and isn't she supposed to support her no matter what, even if she's being terrible to someone else she knows?

Jade looked ultra-pissed off for some reason. Finally she said, 'Yeah, but it doesn't even matter. Cat will never go out with Robbie and I'm sick of this back and forth thing they always do. Plus he's been really depressed over it and I'm tired of him whining and bugging me. You two goons can't do anything right and it was just easier this way.'

I sort of started to understand what she was getting at and it made me start to grin really big. Jade saw the grin and she looked even more enraged. She said, 'Look, so I guess Robbie is sort of my friend too or something, but don't you dare tell him that.'

'Okay, I won't,' I said, still grinning.

Jade sort of nodded at me and she realized she was still holding my phone so she shoved it out at me and I took it. Then we just stared at each other again.

Jade said, 'All right, so, well, I guess I'll see you around or whatever.'

I said all right too. She started to turn around, and I stopped her without really thinking and I blurted out, 'Hey, do you need a ride home or something?'

Jade paused and she looked at me. She said, 'No … I'm okay.' She started to walk away but stopped again, even though she didn't turn around. She said, 'Thanks, though.'

'Yeah,' I said.

So that was okay. Weird and okay. I don't even feel that bummed about seeing her even though she looked really cute. She's always surprising me.


	23. Chapter 23

**Feb 11**

Today's Monday and Meredith brought red velvet cupcakes in celebration of Valentine's Day. She said she is going to bring a pink treat to school every day this week because of the holiday (I am completely fine with that). Robbie and I are still hiding out at lunch under the bleachers to avoid Cat, so Meredith had to perform a very covert operation in order to bring me the cupcakes.

Okay, not really, she just had to walk down to the end of the sophomore hall and meet me. Anyway, she did have to go out of her way. She put on these huge sunglasses and kept looking around all crazy which made us both laugh. Apparently I'm not the only person in the universe who likes to pretend he (or she) is a super-spy in an action film.

Robbie seemed happier over the weekend and we went to the Regal with the girls without a hitch (and without Cat). He hasn't really talked very much about the whole JJ thing, but as long as I guess things are good, I won't ask much about it either. I think that if he knew the whole story about my big mouth and also Jade's involvement, he'd have been screaming hysterically at me already, and he hasn't done that in like a month practically!

We went to see that possession movie the girls had wanted to see last time. At the movies and after at the diner we laughed a lot and messed around and wouldn't shut up like we usually do. Robbie told a joke about a gay deer that made soda come out of my nose, even though the girls hardly thought it was that funny. But they thought the soda coming out of my nose part was funny – Serena laughed a lot, and I felt glad that I could do that, even though my throat burned for like an hour after. It just doesn't seem like she laughs like that a lot, so I felt good, even though she was sort of laughing at me. But it made me laugh some more too, so I dunno. Guess it was all right.

I put my arm around Serena at one point and she let me. I still don't really get how she feels about me, and I'm not really sure what I feel about her, either, but it's nice to put your arm around someone, you know? So I did that, and she leaned in a little, then we looked at Robbie and JJ, who both turned red and then Robbie very romantically patted JJ on the shoulder four times.

I guess that's something.

Anyway, even though things are cool between him and JJ, I guess Robbie doesn't really want to see Cat that much, and I don't blame him. I don't mind hanging out under the bleachers at lunch if that's what Robbie wants to do, because he's my best friend.

So, yeah, movies was Friday, and that was all right. On Saturday Dad and I were supposed to go out to dinner together and I was excited because I've had these BF Wang's gift cards since Christmas. I was even going to wear my new fedora that Andre makes fun of me for and I've been daydreaming about the flaming banana souffle for a week. We had talked about watching the hockey game afterwards, too.

During the afternoon I asked Dad what time he wanted to go. He was in his bedroom holding up two ties in his mirror and he stared blankly at me holding the coupons. Turns out he completely forgot we had plans. Surprise, surprise, I know. I felt really bummed out and angry, but I tried not to show it. I'm too tired to have something like another Pot Roast Incident go down and all, so I figured it would be easier to just let it go.

I politely asked him what he was ditching me for and he looked guilty and said that he was taking his coworker out to dinner. I asked him if it was a date and he said he wasn't sure. He tried to backpedal and say that he would cancel on her if I still really wanted to go but I just told him to forget it.

I didn't say this part, but it doesn't really matter that much if I want to go – it's like, he doesn't want to spend any time with me?

I know he has like three day-planners for his work stuff and a big calender in the kitchen. He can't remember to pencil me in for one night?

So I slunk back to the RV and didn't bother answering the door when he knocked to say he was leaving. I felt sort of low all night and I listened to Andre's music tape for a while. It's good, but Tori is right, it needs something. Started fiddling (ugh, there's that stupid word again) around and playing a little backing line on the cello for it, but it probably isn't very good anyway – I'm totally not going to be jamming out with him and Tori any time soon.

Anyway, that's all I did all night, Saturday night. The other day when we were leaving school I high-fived someone and Tori said I was pretty popular. Yep, I'm so popular that I'm by myself all the time.

**Feb 13**

Robbie, Meredith, and I were in the senior hallway at school today and Jade chose to walk by us at the exact moment that I shoved four pink icing sugar cookies in my mouth (let it be known that I was only doing this because Meredith had said she didn't think the cookies turned out very well so I was being sort of silly to show her they were great. Normally I'd only have eaten two at a time, three at the max).

Jade stared at me and smirked as she walked past. She said, 'Wow. So sexy.'

I tried to say something back and got cookie crumbs and icing all over Robbie's brand new sweater vest (it's yellow, by the way). Now he's mad at me and I'll probably get screamed hysterically at later. With the pink spots he looks sort of like an Easter egg or something now.

Anyhow, I am fairly certain Jade was being sarcastic, and I hate my life.

There was more interaction later today, though. I ended up with the girls in the lunch line, even though Robbie and I are still convalescing under the bleachers. Tori said hey to me first and looked happy to see me and then Cat and Jade said hi too.

Tori asked me where Robbie was and I told her the nurse's office because he is always in the nurse's office now (his nose has been bleeding more and more since Valentine's is coming up. I didn't tell Tori about the nosebleed). She artfully didn't ask me when Robbie and I were going to stop hiding in the gym and start sitting out in the open again.

Cat asked if I had a Valentine this year and I said, 'What, aside from Robbie?' which made Tori laugh and Jade rolled her eyes and did that thing where she tries not to smile but it doesn't quite work.

Cat didn't laugh and she only looked contemplative, like she was wondering if her nastiness had put Robbie off girls for forever.

We reached the end of the lunch line and Jade leaned against the closest empty table and said, 'Tori, do you got my notes or what?'

'Oh!' said Tori (she was already eating a french fry). She put her tray down and rooted in her bookbag until she pulled out a bunch of papers and handed then to Jade. Jade said, 'Cool. Later, guys.' Then she said special, 'Later, Beck.' She didn't mention me spitting pink sugar anywhere, which was very nice. She added, 'By the way, I saw Robbie gush blood all over a freshman today. He's not going to get any dates that way.'

'He's nervous,' I said in explanation.

Jade snorted and said later again before heading off. Tori beamed her Tori Smile after her and said, 'Later! Thanks Jade!'

I asked, 'Why are you thanking Jade for taking your notes?'

Tori said, 'They aren't my notes. They're hers! I missed History on Friday so she let me borrow them. Thank God because we have a test next week. Everything about the - ' there she went on for like three minutes about United Nations and I fell briefly into waking unconsciousness. Then she paused and said, 'Wait, why is Robbie gushing blood on freshman?'

Cat was still there too, obviously, and I didn't want to tell her Robbie was bleeding all over freshmen because he was considering giving JJ a Valentine. I've learned my lesson. So I just said, 'Oh, you know, guy stuff.' Tori made a big Tori Face but didn't question me further.

The girls gathered their food up again and I took my stuff and headed off to go find Robbie.

I guess I felt sort of weird – it's weird to think of Jade, you know, actually being nice and helping Tori with her homework and stuff. Weird weird. I realized that she must be in the same History period with Meredith too, and I wonder how that goes. I mean, if she cares about Meredith at all. Why would she, I guess?

Robbie was hard at work at lunch on creating the most perfect Valentine for JJ, like we're little kids in elementary. I suggested a macaroni card and he looked at me very darkly. He covered his papers when I came close and wouldn't show me what he was working on. I busied myself in the corner, breaking off part of my sandwich crusts for the mice family.

This will be the second Valentine's Day in a row I've spent without Jade, since we didn't get back together until May last year. I guess when I think about it we've only had two together, really. But last year I got cards for all the girls – you know, Tori and Cat, and I got one for Jade, special, too. This year I've been so busy with work and school and stuff I haven't even been thinking of it.

I should probably pick up something for all of them, but it's tomorrow, coming up quick, so hopefully I can get something good. I've been thinking of Serena – something to get her too, I don't know. I don't know if I should, but I sort of want to. I know she'll like something weird, and I've got a few ideas. It's still pretty early today, and I'm getting ready to go out and peruse the city and find something. I have sort of an idea – hopefully I can get what I want.

By the way, after school today I went to Inside Out Burger with Tori and Andre. Will no one ever stop talking about Sikowitz's retarded play? Blech. Anyway, we talked about the Full Moon, too – I told them I listened to their song and I liked it. I finally caved and said I'd help out and play the cello for it, if they really wanted me to.

Tori was really happy and hugged me over the table and got mustard on her sleeve. She gave me a copy of her lyrics from one of her notebooks – I'll put 'em in here.

_Do you know what it does when you flash that smile_

_You're a mirror inside and I can't see through_

_Break it down and you could stay for a while_

_And I feel okay_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_Take the time for another lie_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_Take your pain for another day_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_And I feel okay_

_I thought things were different_

_You were the one who wouldn't go away_

_I don't understand you_

_You took everything you had and _

_You threw it all away_

_Away, away_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_Take the time for another day_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_I'm not thinking of anything_

_And I feel okay_

_Alone now and I sit in my room_

_The light's off and I've taken your pictures down_

_I'm not the only one you've hurt_

_Everytime you come around you make it worse_

_Maybe one day I'll get over you_

_Maybe one day I'll forget what you said_

_The light is off and I've taken it down_

_You're not here but I'm still around_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_Take the pain for another day_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_You took what you had and you threw it away_

_Stay with me, don't stay with me_

_I'm not okay_

_I'm not okay_

Depressing. I guess I didn't think Tori could write something like that.

**Feb 18**

Sorry I missed writing in here on V Day – happy hearts day, you lovely, understanding and beautiful Victorian princess! Maybe one day I'll fill this notebook up too and then you can have a Mead notebook partner of your own, to love and to hold, or sit next to on my shelf, you know, whatever it is that notebooks do together.

That paragraph makes absolutely no sense. Negative sense, really. I've been pretty happy, and I get sort of nonsensical when that happens, I guess.

I don't know if I should be happy or not, but I am. Mostly, I think. Yeah.

It's weird. A lot has been going on.

Obviously (Catherine Obviously), Thursday was Valentine's Day. I got holographic dinosaur cards to give to the girls – Meredith, Tori, and Cat. I had one for Jade, too, but it's hard to get her alone, and I felt sort of dumb with it anyway, so I just kept it in my locker. I glued lollipops to the cards and Tori and Cat were happy; Meredith made a big display of taping her card up in her locker, which was nice. Robbie didn't give out any Valentines at school – I guess it's an awkward situation because he and Cat are still kind of not really talking and all.

I had to work at five and before that, Robbie panicked a lot in my RV because he was going to JJ's house to surprise her. Well, not really surprise – they had plans but I guess he hadn't told her he was creating Epic Valentine for her and all.

Robbie showed me what he made her and it's a giant red heart made out of heavy cardboard that he painted. He has photos cut up on it that he says remind him of JJ – I spied some Harry Potter stuff, and a picture he'd took of JJ's red-painted Converse, and he wrote some quote from Jane Eyre on it. It looks really cool. I told him that all this might get him to second base and he turned redder than the card and told me to shut my mouth.

I asked him about the picture of her shoes and he kept blushing and he said remember how he picked Cat as his photo project for class?

'Yeah,' I said even though I'd totally forgotten about those projects. I asked, 'How's that going anyway?'

Robbie said, 'Well, I changed it. I mean I haven't told Cat I changed it but I haven't hung out to take pictures of her since October.' He told me he changed his subject to the color red, so he can still use a picture or two of Cat, because of her hair.

I said, 'Ah. Hence JJ's shoes.'

Robbie looked whimsical and said, 'Yes. Also her red glasses. Also she uses a red pen and has worn a red hat. Also she wore a sweater that was red before.' Wow. He looked very dreamy about the sweater. JJ's boobs are in the sweater, you know, so I'd probably look dreamy too if she was my valentine, but I wisely kept my mouth shut on that topic. I just wished him good luck and sent him on his way – I even let him borrow my lucky plaid shirt to wear!

Later was work. I knew Serena would be there too, but we were pretty busy and Trina was forever talking to her for some reason, so I didn't really get a chance to be alone with her until the end of the night. When I was gift-picking yesterday, I thought about it a lot, and I think I got her something really good.

I'd decided that I would ask her out, just to see. I mean, nothing has happened between us for the past month, but she did kiss me at New Year's, and even though it was only for New Year's – just, I don't think a girl like Serena would kiss you if she didn't want to, you know?

I finally got her alone in the back room where we do inventory and take our breaks. She had just clocked out, but I was staying until closing, another half hour. She gave me an actual smile as she took her coat and came over. She said, 'Hey Taylor.'

I said hey back. I said, 'Happy Valentine's Day.' I was going to say it in a silly voice but I changed my mind at the last minute because I wanted her to know I was serious.

'Thanks,' she said.

I told her I had gotten her something and she started to do the thing that girls do where they protest and go, 'Oh, no, I don't need anything,' but she shut up when I pulled out the box.

Don't worry, Emily – it wasn't an engagement ring or anything. I'm not actually insane. But it was a necklace – I found it in one of those sidestores in West LA, one of those weird tiny new-age ones that sell incense and candles and books on reorganizing your chi.

It was a little geode rock that was cut open to show what was inside, with a brass chain going through it. It was one of the smaller ones, but still pretty big because, you know, geode. Big formation of minerals and rock ash and all. The outside crust had been rubbed smooth and painted with some sort of hardener so it wouldn't break, but inside were bright purple and blue crystals. It made me think of her when I saw it – not just because of her colored hair. It was all dark and hard on the outside, but when you open it up, you could be surprised, find something special. Find something you don't know.

I'm still finding out, but there's already more to Serena that I thought. I mean, I wrote about that stuff with her ex-boyfriend, which you wouldn't think of, and what she'd told me about her tattoos and her grandmother. All the weird books she reads and tells me about like she thinks I should be interested. And JJ says Serena really is one of her closest friends, so I know there's good stuff in her.

When I gave her the necklace I spouted some of that crap that I just wrote, you know, the hard outside, finding out stuff, and told her that anyway, it had made me think of her.

Serena held it and looked down at it for a minute. She sort of smiled again and said, 'Thanks.' She said that she thinks Valentine's is stupid, but she'll wear it because it's a necklace and she's a girl. That made me smile - she just has this really dry way of saying stuff. She said, 'This is really cool.' She looked up at me again. Then she said, 'Beck, I'm not going to go out with you.'

'Oh,' I said.

I've never really been turned down by a girl before, aside from Jade. Definitely never so bluntly.

Serena said, 'No, I like you – I mean, you're cool and all. But you aren't really the sort of person I want to go out with.'

'Oh,' I said again. I felt really awkward and dumb, and didn't know what to say to her as usual. I said, 'Well. Thank you for your honesty.'

Serena made a sort of frustrated face and she took hold of my sleeve to keep me from walking away. She said that that wasn't what she had meant. She said, 'I mean, I don't want to date anyone right now. And you're so … you're weird.'

(I'm weird?)

Serena said that she doesn't know where she stands with me. I said, 'You can stand wherever you want,' and she grinned. She said that she doesn't want to deal with the pressures of dating someone. She said that I'm cool, but she doesn't want to feel obligated to get to know me, which is what happens when you decide to go out with someone.

I didn't know what to say to that. I think I said 'oh' again or okay or something because I'm so eloquent.

Serena held the necklace in one hand and she lifted her other up and sort of rubbed at her jaw, looking away from me. After a minute, she said, 'I'm not ready to date anyone again.' She said that Justin was her only serious boyfriend and look at how well that had ended. That made me feel terrible, of course, and maybe she saw something in my face, because she quickly took her hand away from her jaw. She said, 'It's not you, really. I mean, I don't know. I have a wire in my jaw from my last boyfriend, I figure I should at least get that out before I start dating again.'

'Right,' I said. 'I'm sorry. That's fine.'

Serena said okay then. We stood there kind of awkwardly for a minute and then she put the necklace on and smiled down at it. She said thanks again. I said you're welcome.

She looked at me in sort of a weird way, and then she took hold of my jacket again. She said, 'You know, though, you're really cute. Especially with your hair growing out and all.'

'Thank you,' I said.

Serena kept looking at me. She said, 'We can hook up if you want.'

'Um,' I said, because that's totally not where I had been expecting her to go with the jacket-grabbing. Maybe some little speech about my virtues to let me down easy. 'What? Um. Here?'

She let go of my jacket and went and sat down on the empty inventory table. She said, very exaggeratedly, 'Well, for the time being.'

I just stared at her too. Then I said, 'No … no. I mean, Serena, I don't want to just, like, hook up with you. I mean, I'm not that sort of guy.'

Am I?

Serena rolled her eyes but she was still sitting and looking at me. She said, 'Dude, it's just kissing.'

'Well,' I said.

She leaned forward a little bit, putting her hands on her knees – I should mention here that she is always wearing low-cut shirts, so yeah, there's that. She said, 'And stuff.'

And stuff.

'Oh. I don't know,' I said. I told her that I didn't want her to think I was using her, which she apparently thought was really hilarious.

After she finished laughing at me, she said, 'Beck, I like you.' That's probably, like, the biggest admittance of affection I'll ever get out of her, so I felt pretty swayed. Anyway, I hesitated some more, and then she leaned some more.

She looked really pretty. She looked really pretty and like a girl who'd just said she wanted to hook up with me, and she was still leaning. She said, 'Trina can close the register without you.'

I looked at my watch. I said, 'I gotta clock out in twenty minutes.' She smiled.

Yeah. So. There's that.

Serena told me I'm a really good kisser. She also left a mark on my collarbone.

I don't know what Gods were watching over us that prevented Trina from barging in as she normally would, but I thank them greatly (when I left, Trina was on the phone with Brendan, arguing about which song was Cuttlefish's first single).

When I kissed Serena I put her face in my hands really gently and I guess she liked that a lot. She's really short and even though she was sitting on the table I had to keep bending awkwardly and we sort of stopped twice and laughed. Her jaw kept clicking – I could feel it in my palms – and she pulled back for a minute and said, 'Yeah, that happens.'

'I'm really sorry,' I said. I felt really bad. She's just so tiny and small and I can't picture anyone ever hitting her – I'm surprised she didn't just shatter. Serena rolled her eyes at me, and I guess she wanted me to shut up which is how the collarbone thing happened.

Anyway, I don't know what's going to go on with that. Last night we went to the movies with Robbie and JJ and she pulled me into the girl's bathroom for eight minutes. She has a lot of piercings in a lot of places.

Am I a bad person? Serena still confuses the heck out of me and we can't share a box of candy like Robbie and JJ do because we don't like anything that's the same. I don't know if I'm a bad person or not but I know I like being around her, kissing her. I feel kind of weird because she said she didn't want to date me, but I'm happy about the kissing part (and stuff!), and she's been wearing that necklace I got her.

Thinking about kissing her and her blue hair and her piercings keep me from thinking about Jade most of the time, but not always, which is also why I feel like I'm a crap person. If I've got someone like Serena to kiss, why do I still feel bad when I see Jade in the hallways at school, walking with some guy that isn't me?

I don't know. Mostly I just like kissing, and I've been leaving it at that. I'm pretty cool with kissing. I enjoy the kissing. Tonight I'm working with her again, and I'm looking forward to it.

Oh yeah, I guess Robbie's Valentine's Day Extravaganza went pretty well. He called me Thursday at eleven saying he'd just gotten in.

I said, 'Past curfew! You dog!'

Robbie yelped a little. He said JJ liked her card and her older sister made lamb stew. He told me that he and JJ had watched Chimpanzee in her room and that – there was a pause and some clicking / choking as he used his inhaler – she had kissed him on the nose.

'Four for you, Robbie!' I said, even though I still don't know what that means.

Robbie asked me how it felt to be in love. Did I want to listen to Madonna all the time and pick flowers when I first started going out with Jade?

'I think maybe you want to ask Andre about this stuff,' I told him.

**AN: This is the joke that Robbie told in the diner: 'What did the gay deer say to his friend after they left the bar? Man, I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there!'**

**Sorry, not sorry.**

**Also, in my personal head-canon, Robbie and Beck totally share clothes, like belts and t-shirts. So whenever Robbie's worn a shirt on the show that wasn't a dorky polo, just imagine that it was Beck's! :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**Feb 22**

Busy day yesterday. I mean, a lot of stuff. First I was happy, then not-so-much, then cool again.

We got our third-semester report cards today, I'll start with that. C in Chemistry: all right, I'll take that. Sikowitz gave me an A for Improv which is a joke but whatever, I'll take that too.

I made a B in Trig! That was the biggest thing, the coolest. I've pulled Cs for the other two semesters, but even though Meredith's been helping so much, I wasn't even sure I'd manage that this time. My first test right after Christmas was so bad – don't tell my dad. Anyway, I was super pumped about that. They passed them out the last period and I think I just grinned for like forty minutes.

After classes ended I rushed down the hall and found Meredith at her locker. I came up behind her and swooped her up in a hug, spinning her around in a big circle. She screamed a little and flailed and then laughed when she saw it was me. She hit me and told me to her put down. She said, 'What on earth is wrong with you? Have you gone crazy?' But she was still laughing.

I let her down and wagged my eyebrows at her. I waited for a dramatic pause, and then I took my report card out of my jacket pocket and waved it in her face. I told her to look at the fifth down, Trig.

Meredith shook her head at me and scanned the paper, then her face lit up and she screamed and clapped. She seemed really happy for me, which made me happier, too. She threw her hands up and screamed some more, then gave me a big hug. She said, 'Oh my God, Beck! You got such a good grade! I knew you could do it!'

'I didn't,' I said. Meredith beamed some more, and I just felt really good that she was happy, you know, happy for me. That pretty smile of hers was really a real one this time, big and bright.

I told her that it was all her doing and I was really grateful to her. I told her thanks for tutoring me, and she said it was no problem - she said I'm fun and she likes spending time with me. I felt like celebrating, so I asked if she wanted to go out to eat with me. She said she would, but she had a cooking class at the community center so it would have to be later.

When I was leaving school I bumped into Tori and I gave her a ride home. She looked sort of bummed as she usually does at school (I don't blame her, because it is school), so I told her about dinner with Meredith and asked if she wanted to come too.

Tori said, 'Well, sure, if it isn't a date or something. I don't want to impose.'

I probably stared at her for a minute because I hadn't thought about it being a date and I hoped that Meredith didn't think of it as that way.

As usual, I don't really know how I feel about her, but I definitely don't need to be thinking of dating her since I'm doing this not-dating thing with Serena, and the Jade thing, and she's Brendan's sister. Anyway, told Tori it wasn't a problem. I asked Meredith if she could come too and Meredith gave back a happy standard Meredith text that said, 'The more the Merrier! =)' She's cute.

We ended up going to Nozu because – well, I guess we almost always end up going to Nozu. I definitely could have gone for an Inside Out burger or two or five, but Above Average Grades in Trigonometry call for a bit of fanciness, I think.

Tori and Meredith split the Friendly Pufferfish Sushi Platter (there is not actually pufferfish in it, just so you know) and I ate a grilled salmon sandwich. I bought Bubble Tea for both girls, which is expensive, but I have the money so it's cool. All I ever do is eat fast food with Robbie, which is cheap, or spend five bucks at the Regal, which is cheap too, even when I buy Serena's ticket.

Meredith made these really fancy spinach, cheese, and chicken croquettes in her cooking class and she had separated some for both me and Tori to take home. She really is like the nicest girl ever, and I told her I would eat them as my second dinner.

(The girls laughed like I was joking. Okay?)

Anyway, we were having a pretty good time at Nozu, laughing at Mrs. Lee's new haircut, and Meredith wasn't saying anything super weird and Tori was keeping her Tori Faces to a minimum.

Then of course the girls spotted Jade and Cat over in the far corner with what I guess were their dates.

I was sitting with my back to Jade and Cat, and I probably would have continued being happy and oblivious, except that I guess Tori and Meredith noticed them at the same time. They both made twin weird faces, little 'o's of surprise, and then Tori started quickly and loudly talking about Sinjin playing the trumpet (?). Meredith immediately looked like it was totally fascinating and was nodding all exaggeratedly. I knew something was up so of course I turned around to see what they were trying to pretend wasn't existing.

Jade was with John Steinbeck - when I saw that, my heart sank all the way through my shoes.

Maybe it's not right or fair for me to have felt that way … I mean, I had told her I hadn't wanted to get back with her and all that chizz, hadn't given her the dinosaur Valentine, and I have this sort of thing going on with Serena, I guess. You know all this chizz, Emily. But my heart sank anyway and I can't help that.

I guess the surprise of it – how bad it made me feel – that hurt too, and I got really depressed over it.

Meredith looked at my face and she looked really crushed for me, which of course just made me feel worse too. 'I'm sorry, Beck,' she said. She said, 'I guess you still like Jade, huh?'

I bluffed and told the girls it was cool. They didn't have any idea of what a hypocrite I was being, what with the Serena thing, with everything. I guess I could have told them I sort of have a new girl, but I didn't want to. That's, like. I don't know. I feel like that's really private. Anyway, who knows what's going on with that either.

Tori tried to be helpful and said, 'She probably isn't even on a date anyway! I mean, look at you! Me and Meredith are here, and this totally isn't a date, right?'

Meredith said, 'Right!' encouragingly (I guess that solved my worry about if she wanted it to be a date). I sneaked another glance at Cat and Jade and became even more disheartened because Jade was wearing a different outfit than she had worn to school today. Definitely a date, I told the girls.

Meredith said, 'No! Maybe she spilled something on her pants!'

Tori said, 'Yeah, you don't know! Maybe she ripped them!'

I said, 'She is wearing more makeup too and Cat has her hair curled. They're on a double date, you guys.'

The girls leaned to look critically. They both said 'Hmm' and then they just started talking about how much they liked Cat's curls and how vivacious her hair was and crap, because they're horrible and heartless and girls. Tori said, 'Who is that guy she's with anyway? Is he an underclassmen?'

I said loudly, 'Who, Curly? Who cares, he's friends with John Steinbeck, and I hate them both.'

Tori and Meredith stared at me and said, 'Who? What?'

I said, 'Haha. Nothing.'

Tori patted me consolingly and Meredith said, 'Beck, you can tell everyone you are on a threeway date with us if you want. I would consider us very lucky.'

I said, 'Gee, isn't that against your religion?' I wasn't thinking when I said it and I cringed immediately - I thought she'd get really mad. But instead she just blinked at me and then laughed a lot. She rolled her eyes and laughed and said, 'God forgives,' which made me laugh, and Tori grinned at me too.

That made me feel the tiniest bit better – I mean, I don't know. Just the fact that Meredith has a sense of humor that I like and Tori likes too – I'm glad they're becoming friends and stuff. Meredith needs friends, I think, and Tori needs more female friends that aren't Cat – you know, a girl who has more than seven brain cells (sorry, not sorry). So the girls came around to squish together on my side of the booth and they laughed loudly a lot and flipped their hair everywhere all flirty-like, which kept making me laugh even though I was set on being depressed.

When I got up to get more tea for them I had to walk past Cat and Jade's table. I ducked by head, but they didn't even notice me anyway. Cat was giggling a lot and Jade and John Steinbeck were bent over what looked like some scrapbook or something – maybe schoolwork? I don't know. Anyway, they were sitting really close together, and John Steinbeck sort of put his arm on her shoulder for a minute. Jade looked up at him real quick, and she sort of smiled before looking down again, and that really killed me.

Jade doesn't smile like that at other boys.

I mean, I hadn't thought so. What do I know?

We were at Nozu for a long time – a while after Jade and Cat and the Of Mice and Men boys left. The Happy Pufferfish Platter is all-you-can-eat, you know, and apparently Tori and Meredith can eat a lot. But don't tell them I said that, EE.

I was still really sad about Jade but I didn't want to bum out the girls – I mean, I was having a good time with them and all. But it wasn't enough somehow. But they don't need to know that.

After I dropped Tori and Meredith off I didn't really have anything to do but go back to the RV. I felt the strong urge to lay on the floor, so I called Robbie, but he sounded apologetic and told me he was having dinner at JJ's house again. That bummed me out too, even though I was happy for him at the same time of course. I told him that was really cool and hung up.

I guess I'm not used to Robbie not automatically being around and available for me to hang out with constantly. This is probably how he felt when I used to blow him off for Jade all the time. And I never really had the decency to sound apologetic like he did, either.

I laid on my floor for a few minutes and I skimmed through The Perks of Being a Wallfower again (I finished it last weekend). I'm still not sure how much I like it. Not sure if I like this Charlie that much, which doesn't say much. Plus, he referenced music I don't know about, like, all the time.

After a while I pulled out my PearPhone again and texted Brendan. Andre told me that his grandmother hides his cell phone after 6 o clock, and there really wasn't anyone else for me to talk to.

I didn't even know if Brendan would respond – I mean we've hung out before, and I have his number because of work and stuff, but I dunno. He's in college and all, what's he want to hang out with a kid like me for? Anyway, he did text back, and we traded the standard texts back and forth for a while. Then he asked me 'how are you?' which is like – I don't know, it caught me off guard, because only Robbie ever texts me that. I told him I was sort of bummed and lying on the floor. He didn't respond for a few minutes, but right after I gave up and decided to pick Perks up again, my phone rang and it was him calling me.

B: 'I'm pretty sure the floor in your RV is really bad for your posture. You're going to get a slipped disc. Did you know you can actually get shorter that way?'

Me: 'Oh yeah? Did you learn that in one of your college classes?'

B: laughs. 'No. I used to work at a warehouse. There was a guy with a metal plate wired into his spine.'

Me: 'Oh jeez.'

B: 'You are probably all right though. What's up with you, did something happen?'

Me: 'No. I am just stupid.'

B: 'So you keep saying.'

I felt pretty dumb, but I told him about seeing Jade anyway. I told him about Mr. John Steinbeck and Jade's additional makeup and the wardrobe change. I told him that I shouldn't feel bad about it but I did anyway, and Robbie was out with JJ so I had no other options but to lie here on the floor.

B: 'Hmm. I see. Or you can come to the hippest most off the wall college party that's ever been partied, currently taking place at my apartment.' He said that his two roommates don't have Friday classes and they take advantage of this every week. He said that there was already a drunk girl passed out in the bathroom.

Me: 'Wow, that actually sounds so appealing.'

B: 'I am truly desperate and begging you to come over. Luke and Brian are studying [I don't know who they are, I guess his other friends from school?] and I don't feel like hanging out in a diner or something by myself. Right now I can hear T Pain playing. Please, Beck. Please. Come over and be depressed here and lie on my floor. It will be better for your back.'

I've been to parties and things where people were drinking before. You know, with Jade and with Andre, once with Robbie but we left right away, but never a college party, really. That stuff kind of isn't really my thing, but I figured, why not, you know? I told Brendan sure and he gave me directions to his apartment. I used my nice blue brush on my hair (it is starting to get a tiny bit long again – can't really run my hands through it or anything yet, but it does flop a bit) and checked myself out to make sure my shirt wasn't too wrinkled from the floor. You never know who you might meet. Also brushed my teeth because of the salmon sandwich earlier and the one spinach croquette I had eaten (delicious and amazing).

Brendan's apartment is technically student housing on UC's property but it is still an apartment and it's pretty huge. It's on the third floor and there are three bedrooms. There were a lot of people there and a lot of cigarette smoke blew in my face when the door opened and someone let me in. I sort of looked around in horror because I didn't know anyone and felt like a little kid, lost or something, but then luckily Brendan appeared and slugged my shoulder and said, 'Hey Beck!'

I said hey. I commented on the amount of smoke in the apartment and Brendan made a face and said he knows. He said he will totally not be getting his security deposit back and sighed.

We went into the kitchen and hung out for a couple minutes The kitchen was pretty small but there weren't too many people in there, they mostly stayed in the living room. Brendan asked me if I wanted a beer. I didn't, but I was worried he'd make fun of me. But then he said, 'We also have that blue Mountain Dew' which I love. Brendan looked happy when I picked that and he said, 'That is my roommate's,' and gave me the whole bottle. He said I could drink the whole thing because his roommate ate both frozen pizzas that he'd bought earlier.

Brendan drank two beers and introduced me to a few people. I felt all right even though Katy Perry was playing loudly and I wasn't getting drunk. Brendan kept sort of subtly making fun of the people that were passing through the kitchen and making me laugh. After a while he said he wanted to try and hijack and stereo, and we headed to his room to get his CDs.

There were a bunch of people smoking pot in Brendan's room when we went in. I really felt like I was in some sort of teen comedy movie or something. I know everyone talks about weed and smoking it and drinking but I've never really hung around people who did it. Is this something that just automatically starts once you get to college? I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared for that yet.

Anyway, Brendan yelled at them a lot but they all just sort of stared at him and smiled, I guess because they were stoned. After a minute Brendan dragged one guy up by the sleeve of his jacket and shoved him out – not really meanly or violently, but definitely firmly. There was one more guy and three girls and they sort of floated on out after him, looking around at everything all slow.

Brendan sighed and he said, 'Christ. Jesus Christ. My whole room smells like pot. All my stuff smells like pot.' He exclaimed, 'My Engineering textbook smells like pot!' which made me laugh.

Brendan grinned and he put his book down. He said, 'Sorry. You'll probably think I am weird, but I don't really like drugs. I mean I don't like marijuana at all and most people say that is hardly a drug.'

I said, 'It's cool, man.' I've never even tried smoking pot and I told him that. I felt it was okay to tell him that since he'd told me he didn't like it.

B: 'Really? Good for you.'

Me: 'I guess so. My friends just don't really do that stuff. I mean, you've met Robbie. I think that stuff might kill him.'

B: 'I have done it a few times. Mostly when I was younger. Your age, maybe. Didn't like it.'

Me: 'Really?' Cat's brother smokes a lot of weed, I know – I guess he loves it. Cat says that her brother actually has a like prescription card for it or something (I thought that was only for people with cancer).

B: 'Yeah, I am the only person in the universe who doesn't like it. Everyone says it calms them down. I don't know what it does to me but it's nothing good. I just get really spastic and can't breathe right. Then I say really awesome and deep things like My heart is beating.'

That made me laugh too and then I looked down at his bed and said, 'Holy crap, they forgot their stash.' It looked like literally a pound of weed in two plastic baggies, just sitting out. I said that and Brendan smiled. He said, no, maybe a few ounces, but he didn't make me feel dumb for it. He said that the weed was probably really cheap, but it was still a lot to have on a person.

Me: 'Should we, like, give it back? They should be more careful.'

B: 'Yeah. You know, I could get expelled so fast for this. I can't believe they'd just leave it in my room. It's not a drug den.'

I started grinning and I said, 'It would be a shame if something happened to it.'

Brendan looked at me. I said, 'You know, this isn't a coat room with tags and stuff. It would be a shame if they broke in again and couldn't find it or something. You know.'

Brendan said, 'Taylor Launter! Are you saying I should hide someone's drugs?'

I shrugged. I said his room, his rules. Brendan laughed and said he didn't want to stick it in his roommates rooms, though. I thought about it and said that communal areas were free-for-alls, though, the living room, kitchen, and the bathroom.

Brendan started grinning and he picked up the two Ziploc bags and put them under his shirt. We went into the bathroom – the drunk girl was gone, but there was a short dude sleeping right outside the door – and we hid the bags in the toilet (they were sealed, so the stuff probably wouldn't get wet). I said, 'Hope someone looks before they go number two.'

Brendan laughed a lot and we went back into his room – he expressed surprise that the kids weren't back yet for their stash. He said, 'I don't even know those guys. I am probably going to get my ass kicked tonight, Beck.'

I said, 'So don't stay here. You got your car, right?'

Brendan said yeah.

I said, 'You probably have class in the morning and I don't think Katy Perry is going to stop. You can sleep in the RV if you want. I have to get up around seven for school but I don't mind.'

Brendan just looked at me for a couple minutes and I started feeling weird – maybe he thought it was strange or something that I was basically asking him to have a sleepover. I mean, Robbie sleeps over a lot during the summer, but we've been doing that since we were kids. Sometimes we still build forts and yeah, he probably doesn't need to know that either.

But then Brendan said, 'That would actually be really cool. I mean I don't want to burden you. So if you're sure.'

I said it was totally fine. Brendan looked really happy and he said let's get the hell out of here then. We left to go to the parking lot – I grabbed the Mountain Dew Code Blue on the way out – and I asked if he remembered how to get to my house (yeah). I also remembered the two beers he'd drank and told him to be really careful driving, and he grinned like I said something funny and said okay.

It was ten-something when we got back to the RV – I hadn't realized I'd been out for so long. And I'd been out all day, so I was pretty tired, too. I didn't even eat the spinach and chicken croquettes Meredith made! I gave Brendan two sleeping bags and a pillow and he made a bed for himself on the floor.

We talked for a while even though I was tired – does Mountain Dew even have any caffeine in it?

I've decided I really like talking to Brendan and that he's really smart. I made a joke about the floor being bad for his back and somehow that brought up the topic of that guy he'd mentioned earlier, with the metal plate in his back.

Brendan said, 'He always had so many pains and sometimes I'd look at him walk and just cringe. But he was probably the happiest person I've ever met. Isn't that weird?'

Me: 'Yeah. I guess some people just don't let themselves get down. I don't know how to do that.'

B: 'I hear you. His job was hard, too, and he'd been at it for a long time, but he really liked it – he said everyone had their place. And he was all short and shriveled up. But his wife was really hot.'

Me: 'Well, there's that.'

Brendan: laughs. 'Yeah. Well. I wish I could be like him. Sometimes I still call him.' Brendan said that because of his injuries the guy couldn't really drive and he would force himself to walk the four blocks to work every day – the guy said he kept his strength up. Brendan said that once he'd been riding his bike home and he saw some kids throwing wadded up paper at the guy and calling him Gimpy. Brendan said he felt really bad for not doing anything.

That made me feel really bad, too. I get real deep and introspective when I'm sleepy, you know, and I pondered aloud, 'Dude, why are people so mean?'

Brendan said, 'I do not know.' Then he said, 'I feel like I have a secondhand high. I am talking so much. Also I feel like the floor is uneven and something is poking my back.'

He shifted around and pulled out Perks from under him. He laughed and said nevermind, probably not high, then. He asked me if I had read the book and I said yes. I said that it was all right, but when it ended, I didn't know how to feel. I said, 'It also made me feel like I should listen to The Smiths so I tried to do that but I didn't really like them. It seems like everyone likes them. Is something wrong with me?'

Brendan found that really funny I guess. He said no, there is nothing wrong with me. I told him about all the other books I've read lately and I said I'd just once like to read one with a real true happy ending, one that didn't make me question it anyway. I told him that if I wrote a book I'd be sure to do that.

Brendan said, 'I think you should totally do that, man. I see you with that giant ass notebook. You got your thoughts.'

I told him nah and that I couldn't even spell very well. I had thoughts, but they were just stupid thoughts.

Brendan said they probably weren't stupid. He said, 'You know, you're really down on yourself. I think you could do a lot, man.'

'Thanks,' I said. I told him a little bit about you – my journal, and Depressed in the RV: the Life and Times of Beck Oliver. Brendan laughed. Somehow we started coming up with stupid book names: The Perks of Being a Trash Compactor. The Perks of Being a Breadbox.

Would you believe that I wrote all of this in Modern Lit? We're watching a John Malkovich movie so no one is paying attention to anyone or anything. I've been sneakily eating Meredith's croquettes, too, and they taste good, even though they're a little soggy now. So somehow I feel okay, even though Jade had a date and I didn't do any drugs.

**AN: I like this chapter a lot and I also hate it. It's way too long and I feel that makes it unrealistic, because this is supposed to be a handwritten journal entry. I've tried and tried to find ways to cut out some of it, but a lot of it is referenced later and I just can't. Anyway, let's just pretend Beck simply writes incredibly fast and has teeny tiny handwriting!**


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